A confused man asks for advice:
I need help because I am beyond confused and do not know what to do or how to approach the issue. I have been married for about 2 months now and have dated my wife for about 3 years. I’ve known for a long time that she has a fairly short fuse but it wasn’t often that she was angry with me prior to getting married. But since getting married it seems she gets very irritated with me 3-4 times per week. 90% of the time I don’t know why she’s mad and many times she gets mad over the most miniscule of things. On our honeymoon, I was driving and she wanted my to pull over to take a picture of something but there were about ten cars behind me and no shoulder on the side of the road so I just kept going. She was upset with me for for several hours after that. Later on that drive, I accidentally hit a bump in the road while she was trying to snap a picture and she got upset by that. Everything has to be perfect. I try to help her with things but if I’m not doing something exactly the way she wants then she gets upset and tells me to stop and she’ll do it herself. I know I have my faults but I treat her right, I can’t recall ever raising my voice in anger or talking down to her. I have a tough time expressing my feelings and don’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her how I feel. I am extremely scared that we won’t make it because I love her with every fiber of my being but lately I feel that she doesn’t even like me or that I’m just in the way. I didn’t have a very loving childhood. Nothing was ever good enough and was always getting yelled at. I was a damn good kid, stayed out of trouble, made good grades. If I made a 95 on a test I never heard “I’m proud of you or good job,” all I heard was “why didn’t you make a higher grade.” My initial reaction is to shut down and not want to talk because I don’t like confrontation and conflict. I know there is no way around it but to tell her how this makes me feel but I don’t know exactly how to approach it because I don’t want to hurt her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Women will be women. You really don’t have any direct control over her emotions.
One of the worst things you can do in a situation like this is to assume that it is your fault. If you think it’s your fault, you’ll naturally adopt an apologetic posture. And there’s few things more repulsive to a woman than a man who’s always screwing up and apologizing.
Unless you’re refusing to work, getting drunk off your ass, or refusing to have sex with her… there’s probably never a good reason to apologize to your wife. (Well, maybe if you accidentally step on her foot or something.)
You need to get some perspective on the situation:
If a woman (or anyone) is getting angry over miniscule things she is, by biblical definition, being a fool:
Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.
The Bible gives provides a strategy for dealing with foolish people:
Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
Or you will also be like him.
Answer a fool as his folly deserves,
That he not be wise in his own eyes.
So if your wife is being petulant, you do not want to play by her rules. This will only validate her foolish behavior in her eyes. She will simply suck you into her drama until you start acting like a fool as well.
It’s like the old saying:
Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty, but the pig likes it.
Instead, you want to answer her “as her folly deserves.”
This is where you have to make a judgment call. What is the appropriate response? It will depend upon the situation.
Perhaps you just ignore her and walk away. Perhaps you take the High Ground Maneuver. Perhaps you use ridiculous exaggeration to help her see how foolish she’s being.
But whatever tactic you use, you never want to leave her feeling “wise in her own eyes.”
If you apologize to her, you’re validating her frame.
If she apologizes to you, you have won the frame.
If neither of you apologizes, you’re locked in a stalemate and you may need to rethink your strategy.
See this as an opportunity to teach her to grow up. Behind every tantrum is a frightened and hurt little girl secretly longing for a strong man / “daddy” figure to guide her.
Be that strong man. God gave you balls for a reason.
God is on the side of the righteous man. Never be afraid to lose your wife on account of obeying God.
If you focus on “saving the marriage” you might lose your wife. If you focus on obeying God, you’ll probably never lose her.
Disclaimer for the Dimwitted: I’m not saying women are pigs. I’m only saying arguing with a woman bears some resemblance to pig wrestling.