Christians are taught to interpret biblical sexual references through a restrictive filter.

We always assume the text is emphasizing a negative (something to be held back), when a common sense reading would indicate a positive (something to be released.) Here’s an example of such passage:

A garden enclosed
Is my sister, my spouse,
A spring shut up,
A fountain sealed.

-Song 4:12

This passage is traditionally interpreted as being a reference to the bride’s virginity. The “spring” and “fountain” would presumably be a metaphor for her sexual passion. She has “sealed” and “shut up” this passion for the sake of her wedding day.

While the Bible certainly advocates virginity, it’s doubtful this is what the passage is referring to.

Two reasons:

First, the context of the passage is describing lovemaking in the act. It’s not about anticipating the wedding day.

Second, the allusions in the Song of Songs refer to concrete sexual functions, not abstract concepts like “passion” or “sexuality.” There are a lot of references to fluids and the satisfaction of releasing said fluids.

So, with a bit of detective work and dirty thinking, I think we can easily decode this passage.

What is the “garden”? Perhaps this illustration will help:

Image Credit: Jacqueline Secor

Now, inside this garden is a spring, a fountain. It is sealed and shut up.

Knowing that Solomon had “wisdom and understanding beyond measure, and breadth of mind like the sand on the seashore” (i.e. nothing on the internet would be surprise him) …

I can find only one sensible conclusion:

The “spring shut up” and the “sealed fountain” is nothing less than the elusive g-spot and “squirting orgasm.”