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Perhaps you’ll find this useful…

This is how I conceptualize a woman’s levels of sexual awareness, ranked from least to most difficult in terms of access and required skill.


Level 1: Horny

Description: Sex is on her mind. She is warmed up and ready to go. She’s down for anything you want to do. All she needs is an excuse.

Strategy: Make a bold move.


Level 2: Active

Description: She knows she enjoys having sex with you, and her sexual preferences are aligned with what you want to do, but she doesn’t feel like she wants it now. Overall, the bulk of a man’s efforts will be spent dealing with this level.

Strategy: Give her a fresh reason to think about sex. Examples include: sharing a sex study, explaining a naughty bit from the Song of Solomon, making a clever innuendo, etc.


Level 3: Anxious

Description: She knows that she wants to perform a particular sexual activity, but she feels unable to do it. She may doubt the idea is feasible or permissible. She may feel inadequate. She may not know what to do or how to get started.

Strategy: Prove that the activity in question is both ethical and is commonly practiced by other couples. Show her that all she has to do is trust and follow your guidance.


Level 4: Frustrated

Description: She is aware of the problem(s) that could be resolved by your desired idea. But she doesn’t yet know the solution. For instance, she might be aware that your sex life has gotten stale and needs more variety. Or she might feel the need to be “closer” to you.

Strategy: Tell her you want to talk about the problem or have found a solution to the problem. Dramatize the problem (i.e. share a story) so she is aware of just how serious the problem is. Then present your idea as the inevitable solution.


Level 5: Ignorant

Description: She is not even aware of what she is missing or won’t honestly admit that she desires it. To broach the topic directly would be offensive or threatening.

Strategy: Frame her current situation in such a way that she feels like she’s missing out. Indirectly bring attention to what she lacks. Playfully tease her about secretly wanting certain “naughty” things.


Level 6: Repulsed

Description: She is consciously opposed to the idea you’d like to propose. Even mentioning the topic in a serious manner could cause her to hurl all kinds of accusations at you or feel like the relationship is in jeopardy.

Strategy: Expose her to stories, art and experiences that re-frame the desired activity in a positive way. The trick is you have to make these exposures indirectly. You don’t want to trip her defense system. So you need to place these exposures in a larger context (ideally something about exploring her needs and desires) so they feel “incidental” rather than loaded with an agenda. For example, if you want her to get into oral sex, don’t just read her the Song of Solomon passages about oral sex. Go through the entire book as a broader study of biblical sexuality so that it’s not threatening.

The effectiveness of your sexual strategy depends on her state. Match your approach to her awareness level and you might be surprised how well things “click.”