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Let’s talk about a woman’s “self-esteem.”

You’ll hear all the time about how women struggle with body image, face unrealistic standards of beauty, are pressured to “sexualize” their body, etc. etc.

But there is a more intriguing aspect of a woman’s self-esteem that is rarely discussed.

Erotic tension.

A woman who thinks she deserves better is repulsive. But a woman who doubts her beauty is primed and ready for an erotic adventure.

Consider Song of Solomon 1:6:

Do not stare at me because I am swarthy,
For the sun has burned me.
My mother’s sons were angry with me;
They made me caretaker of the vineyards,
But I have not taken care of my own vineyard.

“Vineyard” is a metaphor for her body. This is a woman who knows she’s not as beautiful as she could be.

She has just met the man of her dreams and she doubts that she is beautiful enough to be desirable to him. She got so busy working for others that she neglected to put in the work needed to present her beauty as well as she could have.

She knows that the man she desires is desirable to other women:

Your name is like purified oil;
Therefore the maidens love you. (1:3)

“Will he find me pleasing?” she thinks. “He could choose from so many other women. I’m not nearly beautiful enough for a man like that. Oh, if only I had better prepared for this moment!”

It is this perceived mismatch of value that is the beginning of erotic tension.

It is a good thing if your wife expresses doubts about her body. It is at that moment of doubt that she is yearning to please you and earn your approval.

And just as you affirmed her beauty and sent her heart a-flutter when you asked for her hand in marriage, so you will reaffirm your approval of her when you take her into the bedroom… again…and again…and again…

The more attractive you are to women in generalthe more your wife will doubt that she is pleasing enough for you. She will work hard to prove herself worthy of being your wife.

This is why you want to work on increasing your “sexual market value.” You want her to feel like she lucked out by the fact that you “settled” for her.

A woman who feels inferior and unworthy of her man’s approval is a woman who will dress sexy and yearn for frequent sex. She needs constant approval when she’s in the presence of a high quality man.

P.S. I’m putting the final touches on the SMV test for married men. I plan to have it up soon.