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Forget everything you learned in English class. This is real-world communication 101.

Lesson #1: Without frame control, your opinion doesn’t matter

Frame control primarily means three things:

  1. Call out B.S.
  2. Get to the point and don’t let people waste your time
  3. Don’t be the dancing monkey*

 

Lesson #2: Right Frame + Right Proposition + Trust = Agreement

Right frame:

  • Do you have her attention?
  • Does she understand your jargon?
  • Is it directly relevant to her needs? (see Maslow’s hierarchy of needs)
  • Is she capable of understanding and using what you’re telling her?

Right proposition:

  • Does it easily to connect to what she already understands and believes?
  • Is the proposed change simple and easy to implement?

Trust:

  • Do you live consistently with your values?
  • Does she know your intentions are for her own good?
  • Have you shown yourself to be a capable man who can achieve his goals?

 

Lesson #3: Speak the unspoken

Guess what she’s thinking and say it before she does. This creates an instant mind-meld that allows you to direct her thoughts.

Lesson #4: Claims create objections

Our most automatic form of communication is a self-centered sequence: opinion > reason > evidence. Unless people already agree with you, they will almost certainly disagree with your claim.

But if you want someone to have the same epiphany as you, let them discover it themselves. Inverse the order: evidence > reason > suggestion.

This is not to say you should never lead with a claim. Claims expose people to new ideas. Just don’t expect anyone to agree with you if it’s a new idea. But repetitious exposure creates belief.

* The “dancing monkey” is a metaphor coined by freelance writer Bob Bly. It refers to the barrage of questions potential clients use to intimidate inexperienced freelancers into lowering their fees to barely livable wages: “have you worked in this industry before?” “what kind of results have you gotten?” “What makes you so sure you can do the job?” etc. etc.

Women do the same thing to their husbands when she demands explanations and “proof” to back up everything he says, bringing attention to his inadequacies and past failures in attempts to lower his confidence and force submission.

Further Reading: