Why Aren’t We Having More Sex?

Blackdragon describes an alternate view on the problem of porn:

As I’ve spoken about many times before, we live in a society overloaded with sexual imagery, but not a lot of people actually having sex. Married couples have far less sex today than in the 1940s. Millennials are having far less sex than any other prior generation. Night game, daygame, and online dating have all become more difficult as women simultaneously become more masculine, bitchy, and picky. This, plus weaker economies and enticing distractions like porn and sexy video games are inducing many men to opt out of the sexual marketplace altogether.

And so on. I listed all the stats about how much fewer people are having sex than before right here, but the point is people aren’t getting laid. You just think people are getting laid because of all the false Societal Programming in Hollywood, porn, dating apps like Tinder, sexy pictures of Instagram models everywhere, and so on.

This sexual imagery overload, which I agree is sort of stupid, has led to a new movement of people (some traditional right-wing conservatives and delusional unicorn seekers), men (MGTOWs, incels, and others) and women (exasperated over-age-33 women who can’t find perfect husbands who don’t exist) who have come to the conclusion that sex just isn’t that important. Moreover, if you really like sex or have a lot of it, there’s something wrong with you.

One could speculate that, if there are a number of evil masterminds behind the industry, that there is an ulterior motive to the porn industry aside from making money. Perhaps the intention is to manipulate people to have less sex by overloading people with sexualized images.

The over-abundance of porn triggers feminists to think that sex “objectifies” women. It triggers church leaders to think that, all of the sudden, there is something wrong and sinful about the male’s fascination with nude women. It creates distractions for unmotivated men who might otherwise go out and get a wife.

In other words, we’ve all been tricked into thinking we’re a sex-obsessed culture. So we feel guilty about our sexual impulses. But hardly anyone is having much sex.

The Church’s Demotivational Campaign

One of the things I like to do on my blog is throw in a little humor and conspiracy theory to keep things fun.

I think one reason we like humor and conspiracies is because they point to important truths without requiring us to be too serious about it.

Case in point:

I’ve been thinking to myself, “why all the focus on struggling?” Everything is a “struggle” against lust or a “struggle” against porn. It’s “every man’s battle.”

I found this odd, because it seems that, with the vast majority of Christians already believing pornography is a sin, we all would all be quite aware of the “struggle” phase and would be moving on to the “solution” phase.

Plus, if you want to persuade someone to change a behavior, you don’t keep talking about the struggle. You expose a problem and provide a solution. Imagine if you went to a doctor and all he told you was to “keep struggling” against your disease. If he’s a good doctor, he’ll identify the root of the problem and tell you what you need to do to become healthy again.

But the Church provides no solutions to what is supposedly a “grave threat” to the spiritual health of the Church today. And we’re told it will be a “lifelong battle” for every man.

As I was pondering this, some dark and dusty corner of my brain retrieved an old meme. It’s my all-time favorite “demotivational” poster:

Perhaps as applied to the Church, this meme could read:

Pornography
If You’re Not Part of the Solution,
There’s Much Power to Be Had in Prolonging the Guilt.

 

How Not to Write About Pornography

One of my favorite Christian blogs to follow is Desiring God.

Not because I agree with their arguments (I rarely do), but because their blog serves as a perfect microcosm for the present worldview of most conservative Christians. Additionally, they do not shy away from covering sexual topics and other thorny issues so it’s always an interesting read.

And, in a case of perfect timing… or, to use the proper Calvinist rhetoric, an event that was pre-ordained by a Sovereign and Almighty God before the foundations of the earth were laid… Desiring God published an article over the weekend titled “How Not to Fight Pornography” just in time to fit into my series on the topic.

I’m going to do an analysis of the article here. Specifically, I’m going examine the assumptions behind the argument.

Testing assumptions is one of the most important parts of learning and spiritual growth. And since it’s easier (and more fun) to find flaws in the thinking of other people, I find article analysis to be a great way to indirectly examine my own assumptions.

So buckle up… here we go…

(The following are selected excerpts. I have bolded the untested assumptions. [Emphasis mine.])

…you first need to realize that your “struggle” [with porn] is no struggle at all. You need to admit that you are participating in blatant infidelity. You’re married, but you take off your ring for a moment and indulge yourself. You’ve been united to Christ, but you unite yourself to prostitutes.

The author is assuming that viewing pornography is equivalent to infidelity and having sex with prostitutes but provides no argument or evidence to establish this claim.

In 1 Thessalonians 4:1, Paul makes known to the church how she “ought to walk” or how it is necessary to live. This general statement becomes a specific command in 1 Thessalonians 4:3–4: “Abstain from sexual immorality,” knowing “how to control [your] own body in holiness and honor.” Apparently, some in the community were struggling to master their body or “vessel” (which may be a euphemism for genitalia). They acted out in lustful passion like the pagan Gentiles “who do not know God” (1 Thessalonians 4:5).

In many modern translations, ktaomaiis rendered as “to control.” But the older, more literal translations are consistent with the Greek. The word means to “acquire”, “win”, “purchase,” etc. Furthermore, the word eidó (know) conveys a deep understanding rather than just a superficial knowledge. It means to “see”, or, metaphorically, to “perceive” or “grasp reality.” If we go forward with the assumption that the “vessel” refers to one’s own body (or more pointedly, one’s own penis), then Paul is essentially saying, “Men, I want you to grasp reality and acquire a penis of your own.” Or, “I want you to perceive how to possess your own penis.” This sounds like some weird new age masturbation advice. But if you assume “vessel” is a metaphor for a wife, the command makes much more sense.

To “know God” is covenantal language. Acting as those who “do not know God” is to live as if you’re not in a covenant relationship with God. It is to live a life of infidelity, without the slightest concern for how your spouse will respond; in this case, the God who “called you out of darkness into his marvelous light” (1 Peter 2:9).

Here’s a little Friedan slip the author let out. Where does the Bible include not being concerned with how your spouse will respond with breaking a covenant relationship with God?

Pornography not only hurts you. It severely hurts others. It dehumanizes real people into images for one’s own sexual gratification, and it completely “destroys life-sustaining relationships” (Gabriele Kuby, The Global Sexual Revolution, 127).

Both of these assumptions are impossible to prove. “Dehumanize” is a rhetorical word with no precise meaning. “Destroys life-sustaining relationships” is also rhetoric. Depending on what one is looking for, there are cases of broken relationships where porn use was a factor and there are happy relationships where porn is used. It’s all about how you frame the issue and which studies you trust. Furthermore, the author is assuming that pornography, in and of itself, is the cause of the problem. He does not take into account the human factor. Ironically, this is arguably a “dehumanizing” way to make a claim.

You lose interest in your spouse. You emotionally distance yourself from your family. You lose your ability to love. You cause your spouse to leave you. You entertain a false view of sex no one can meet. You develop a degrading image of the opposite sex. You become a recluse who can’t wait to see pornography one more time.

All of these things could be true in some cases. But it is a HUGE leap in logic to assume that porn viewing is the cause of all these problems. Most likely, porn use is typically correlated with all the above problems and perhaps exacerbates the problems. Imagine a man who doesn’t work and lazes about and binge watches movies all day. We then discover that he is emotionally distant from his family, he’s reclusive, his wife leaves him, he’s developed a skewed view of reality, and he has no motivation. Would we say movies are the problem? No. He‘s the problem. Movie watching is just his chosen outlet for the expression of a poor character.

Is it surprising to hear that God is an avenger who will punish those in the church who persist in sexual immorality? It probably stunned the Thessalonians. Earlier, Paul mentioned that Jesus delivers the church “from the wrath to come” (1 Thessalonians 1:10) and he later speaks about God’s people not being “destined for wrath” (1 Thessalonians 5:9). But to demonstrate the seriousness of sin, the holiness of God, and the ultimate outcome of sexual sin, he declares that the Lord Jesus will punish those who unrepentantly “struggle” with pornography in the church.

This not only an untested assumption, this is a blatant lie about what the Scripture says. Paul never “declares” that the Lord Jesus will punish those who look at pornography. The assumption here is that continuously looking at pornography is equivalent to sexual immorality (porneia). This would be a difficult argument to make as porneia simply means “selling off one’s body” (as in prostitution.) It’s pretty obvious that most men consuming the porn are not having any sex with women (paid or not.) However, it is worth examining the cases of men paying women for “virtual entertainment” and how much responsibility a man has by viewing the photos and videos of an industry that openly engages in porneia. Would this be a “meats in the marketplace” type situation, or something else?

Sexual sin is such a grave threat to the church today, and it will not go down without a long, drawn-out fight, as if eternity were at stake — because it is.

Let’s just call a spade a spade. The author is claiming that men who look at pornography will burn for eternity in hell. Unless one is a Calvinist who is absolutely confident that he is one of the lucky few who are part of the elect, that’s a heavy burden for a sex-starved man to bear.

I also fail to see why sexual sin will not go down without a “long, drawn-out fight.” To me God’s instructions for avoiding sexual sin are clear: have sex with your wife and don’t have sex with anyone who is not your wife. Also, don’t have sex with animals. It’s not that complicated or difficult… well, provided that you don’t force yourself into years of involuntary celibacy by following Churchian marriage advice.

Porn and the Feminine Imperative

u/Whitfield puts forth a hypothesis worth investigating in response to a question I posted on the Red Pill Christian reddit:

I highly suspect the Feminine Imperative to be responsible for some, if not all of the anti-porn sentiment. The Christian world has a strong visceral reaction against visual erotica, as compared to “word” erotica, and we are not exempt from this. This is one of the less talked about issues in the Christian Manosphere, for pro-porn beliefs are often seen as “hamstering” (which is often the case too). More can be discussed about this. Not the issue of porn, but rather, the influence of the Feminine Imperative on Christian beliefs of porn/erotica.

Personally, I suspect there is something wrong with porn… namely, there is something wrong with the stereotypical scenario of the lonely sex-starved male wanking off to PornHub videos in the late hours of the night.

But I also suspect that the reason porn is a problem is not the same as the knee-jerk reaction of most Christians. If we’re going to exercise wisdom, we need to have a mature understanding of the issue instead of just echoing soundbites that earn us applause from fem-centered churchians.

Side note: I hope my site doesn’t get spammed with a bunch of porn bots as I delve into this topic. But that is a risk I’m willing to take. I have girded my loins and my quick finger is poised and readied to reject all incoming spam attacks with a click of my trusty mouse.

A Glossary of Sexual Sin

So… I’ve been thinking about porn lately.

More specifically I’m trying to get to the root of why it’s a problem. I feel this is a topic where there are a lot of soundbites and virtue signaling, but not much thinking. So this post will include some foundational concepts for my philosophical adventure through yet another inappropriate subject.

The first step is to define the relevant terms correctly. As Vox Day has pointed out, the earliest sign of a charlatan is that they use commonly understood words in unusual ways in order to fit their argument. This could also apply for people who have been infected by false teaching and haven’t yet done any thinking of their own. And I will have none of that boondoggling around here! So let’s start with a basic glossary…

(Links are included to relevant dictionary entries. I used the Greek words when it is a term found specifically in the Bible.)

Erotica – literature or art intended to arouse sexual desire

Art – the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination

Pornography – printed or visual material that contains explicit descriptions or display of sexual organs or activity

Sexual immorality (porneía) – a “selling off” of one’s body; promiscuity of any kind; illicit sexual intercourse. Derived from pórnosmeaning a male prostitute.

Lust (epithumeó)- a focused passion to do or possess something; a compound of epi (“upon”) and thymós (getting heated up; passion-driven behavior; intense emotions). Lust is an intense and growing obsession with an object.

Adultery (moicheuó) – sexual intercourse with another man’s wife. Jesus taught that the root of adultery is lusting for another man’s wife (see above.)

Tempt (peirazó) – to try or test. Often used in a negative sense but could be used in a positive sense. The context determines whether it’s positive or negative. James says that it is epithumea (“lust”, “passionate desire”) that creates our temptations.

Sin (hamartia)– derived from “not” and meros “a part, a share of”. Means to have no share or part of something due to missing the target. In the Biblical context, sin is that which causes one to lose his place or share in God’s kingdom because he did not reach the target (i.e. the end goal.)

So now that we’ve clarified the definitions, the next question is how do these terms relate to each other? Here’s a few starting observations:

The Song of Solomon is not pornography because it does not explicitly describe sexual organs or activity. Rather, it uses metaphors to indirectly refer to sexual functions.

Pornography is art because it is an application of creative skill and imagination. The question is whether it can be good art.

Viewing pornography is not the same as sexual immorality (porneia) because one can certainly look at porn without engaging in illicit sexual behavior. The right question is whether it inspires illicit sexual behavior. There are also other factors to consider… just because something is not a categorical sin doesn’t automatically mean it’s “good.” Nevertheless, the answer is probably not as black and white as we tend to make it.

The Song of Solomon is certainly erotica and it’s included in the Bible for all to read. Hence we cannot categorically condemn erotica as sinful.

Lust is not inherently sinful. Whether it’s sinful depends on whether or not one is able to lawfully possess what he desires. A man can (and should) lust after his wife. And a man looking for a wife could, arguably, legitimately lust after an unmarried woman. Though from a Red Pill perspective, lusting after an unmarried woman is unadvisable… akin to “oneitis.” It’s better to lust after wife rather than a particular woman.

Lust is not the same as the desire for sex. It’s not even the same as desiring to have sex with a particular woman. Lust occurs when there is a “focused passion” (i.e. an obsession) that continues to grow in intensity. But, as a matter of wisdom, it is best that a man avoid dwelling on any woman other than his wife; there is no need to create unnecessary temptation.

Sin is a distinct (but related) concept from “temptation” and “lust.” According to James 1:14, there is a progression that, when allowed to develop, ultimately leads to death:

Lust => Enticement => Temptation => Sin => Death

In regards to pornography, the question we need to pursue is twofold:

  1. Does intentionally viewing or reading sexually explicit material cause one to lose his place in God’s Kingdom? If so, why?
  2. If there is nothing inherently wrong with viewing or reading sexually explicit material, then what are the Biblical boundaries that need to be placed around it to prevent us from being tempted to sin?

 

 

What Is the Problem with Porn?

The vast majority of Christians and conservatives think porn is a problem.

But, due to the taboo nature of the topic, there’s not much open discussion of it among Christians. This has resulted in a lack of clarity on what the real problem is. The conversation is not as simple as it seems. Here’s some questions off the top of my head that are worth examining:

  • Is there a difference between porn and erotica? If so, what distinguishes them?
  • Since erotic poetry is included in the Bible, does that mean it’s ethical for Christians to publish and enjoy other erotica?
  • If the Bible includes verbal erotica that prompts images in the mind, is there any reason we can say it is wrong to create or enjoy other forms of erotica?
  • At what point (and why) in the following sequence does enjoying sexual imagery become immoral?
    • The Song of Solomon => Other Erotic Poetry => Erotic Stories => Artistic Renditions of Nudity => Artistic Renditions of Sexual Acts => Animated Videos of Sexual Acts => Photography of Nude Women => Photography of Sexual Acts => Videos of Sexual Acts
  • What is the difference between the erotica found in the Song of Solomon and the most frequented porn sites on the internet?
  • Is looking at porn equivalent to lusting after a woman? If so, why?
  • If a wife divorces her husband because he looks at porn, is that a legitimate divorce in God’s eyes?
  • Does viewing porn really cause a man to lose sexual interest in his own wife… or is this just unfounded rhetoric?
  • Does viewing porn cause single men to be less motivated to get a wife? Or would these men be unmotivated regardless of their porn viewing habits?
  • Does porn create unrealistic standards for women?
  • Is there any ethical way to consume porn? In other words, is porn inherently sinful or is it contextually sinful?

Fundamentally, we have a conceptual problem. The definition of erotica is “literature or art intended to arouse sexual desire.”

The Song of Solomon is erotica.

50 Shades of Gray is erotica.

PornHub is erotica.

And, arguably, this blog is erotica.

Yet looking at them together, we instinctively know there is a difference between them. Yet we have not yet developed the sophistication to distinguish good erotica from bad erotica. Perhaps we could say ethical erotica is simply “erotica” and unethical erotica is simply “porn.” But we are still unable to distinguish the two.

Why Christians Suck at Self-Improvement

So you still haven’t gotten around to improving your diet, eh? Still haven’t gotten yourself to the gym? Still haven’t been “digging into the Word” like you know you should?

It’s because you suck at self-discipline.

But don’t feel bad. We all suck at it. It’s because we approach it the wrong way.

I highly recommend taking a few minutes to read this recent “tweet storm” by Alexander J.A. Cortez on self-control. I give my take on it below as it relates to Christians.

Self-control or discipline is one of the fundamental spiritual virtues of mature Christians. There are two aspects of discipline:

  1. The “good” things you practice
  2. The “not good” things you avoid

Most people focus only on the second part. Christians, specifically, tend to focus on avoiding sin (or self-defined “sins”). Christian men think “I need to stop looking at porn… I need to quit masturbating… I need to quit lusting after women… I need to stop losing my temper with my wife… I need to quit being afraid of my wife…”

But what you avoid is only part of discipline. And it’s not the foundational part. How you want to live determines what you need to avoid.

To have self-control, Christians must be aware of the following four things (adapted from Cortez’s original list):

  1. Recognize what the blessed life looks like
  2. Recognize what robs you of that blessed life (i.e. sin, worldliness, immaturity)
  3. Be grateful for the blessings you have now
  4. Reframe self control as living the blessed life every day, as opposed to focusing on “what’s not allowed”

Once you can accept these paradigms, the application of self control becomes simple (not necessarily easy, but more effective). There are four questions that lead to results:

  1. What do I need to do or change to make my life more blessed? (i.e. behaviors, environment, learning)
  2. What do I need to stop doing? And why should I stop doing them? (the “why” question leads you to confront your underlying beliefs, many of which are incorrect)
  3. What am I sacrificing for? What’s the prize at the end of the struggle? (prompts you to address your identity and motivations)
  4. What will my life look like after I do these things? (prompts you to clarify your mission and vision for your life)

It does you no good to simply say “I need to be more disciplined.” There’s no why behind that. There’s only a what. Your motivation will be depleted before you make any progress.

Don’t tell yourself you need to “work out” or “eat better” or “read the Bible more.”

Those aren’t reasons. They’re just applaudable sound bites that we substitute for thinking and action.

You need a reason why.

You can go to the gym to “get in shape” …or you can go to the gym because you want to become a beast in the bedroom.

You can eat healthy foods because you “need to” …or because you want your sperm to be healthy so you can produce strong, beautiful offspring.

You can read the Bible because you’ve been “falling behind” in your spiritual life …or because you want to become a mighty prince in God’s eternal Kingdom.

Whatever works for you. Find your reason why and this will compel to do all those those things you “need” to do but haven’t gotten around to doing.

 

 

The Times They Are a-Changin’ (Again)

A recent Return of Kings article introduced me to a trend I was completely unaware of:

The rise of the “sugar daddy” market.

The author, George Swanson, explains the growing popularity of this once taboo arrangement:

Today, classic dating sites are slowly but surely dying while sugar baby sites are on the rise. Not only has their user base grown tremendously over the past few years but this kind of relationship has been more and more pushed as normal into the mainstream media. Even feminists found a way to support it. Owners of these sites are speaking freely on Oprah, CNN, and others, doing what they know best, marketing their websites.

Thanks to the unbalanced sexual marketplace and declining public morals, being a sugar baby is a new way to monetize your body as a woman.

(In case you’re not familiar with the term, a “sugar daddy” is an older male who pays a much younger woman a generous sum of money to keep him “company.”)

Apparently, this arrangement is rather popular and has only just recently (i.e. in the last few years) been leaking into the mainstream conversation in a positive light. Other than social proof, Swanson touches on three reasons this trend is on the rise:

  1. Why would young sexy women continue to extract tiny financial favors from their boyfriends once they realize they could earn several thousand a month for the same service?
  2. Most men are tired of the online dating game and those that can afford it will gladly switch to sugar daddy sites
  3. Two-thirds of college students/grads with student debt are women… hence the economic incentive to join the sugar daddy lifestyle

I checked the traffic estimation on SimilarWeb for the top sugar daddy site to see if this trend was legit. He wasn’t lying:

The site gets around 7.5 million visits a month.

Now, as a Christian, I don’t recommend anyone debase themselves by poking around with whores. But I see several probable cultural changes on the horizon that we should be prepared for:

First off, age-gap relationships will become socially acceptable. Expect to see 40+ year old men openly walking about with college-age women. Once the age-gap stigma is eliminated, most women will prefer to be in a relationship with older, more successful men. The young guys who haven’t got it figured out yet will be out of luck.

Unfortunately, as is always the case, most men will never achieve success. They will have no vision. They will be failures in their careers. They will become unmotivated and depressed. Their health and appearance will decline as they age. They will congregate online to gripe about what a bad hand they’ve been dealt in life.

In all likelihood, there will be more attractive young women than successful men. The sex robots will only serve to widen this gap. Many men who could have potentially been sexually successful will opt for the easier path.

The secular dating market, with it’s loose morals, will adapt to this trend seamlessly. But the Church will face an unavoidable crisis: where have all the good men gone? This question will probably trigger at least one of three responses in the Church:

  1. The Church will realize the error of her ways, embrace red pill truths, and equip more young men to be successful and masculine
  2. There will be a revival of Christian polygamy
  3. Most attractive women will leave the Church in favor of the “sugar daddy” lifestyle. The Church will (literally) become so ugly that it fails to reproduce itself.

It’ll be interesting to see what happens and how the Church responds. These are just a few ideas. Who knows how it’ll play out?

 

Imagine If Life Were a Bowl of Jelly Beans…

You dip your hand into the bowl hoping to get an orange one.

There are 9 other flavors… so you might not get an orange one when you first try. But the bowl is huge and you can dip your hand in as many times as you want (no penalty for “double dipping.”)

This is the essence of the abundance mindset.

Life is a big bowl of jelly beans and you can get whatever you want if you just keep plunging your greedy little hands into the bowl hoping for the right flavor.

There’s thousands of new insights and ideas you haven’t had yet.

There’s thousands of people that could give you money.

There’s thousands of women who might be willing to marry you.

There’s thousands of more opportunities to initiate sex with your wife.

But those thousands of perfect beans you’re looking for are mixed in with millions of beans of a different flavor. So keep digging. And don’t panic if you make a blunder and drop one of the good ones on the floor.

Hopefully this makes sense. I’m going to end this analogy before it gets out of hand.

 

Alpha vs. Beta: A Simple Test (and a Personal Story)

When it comes to women, it’s an all or nothing game. If you’re alpha, you get all the best from a woman in increasing quantities over time. If you’re beta, you get all the worst from a woman in increasing quantities over time.

When I was a single in college, I was an introvert who was completely clueless about women. I never had a girlfriend prior to my wife. My physical appearance was sub-optimal to say the least. But I had a vision for my life. This vision translated into a genuine “IDGAF” attitude and a single-minded devotion to my cause that she found intriguing. I also had a vision for her life (an underestimated quality in game theory IMO.)

So in spite of my flaws, I had enough of an alpha vibe going to bring an attractive woman into my life. I never had to “ask her out” and she even dumped her current boyfriend at the time so she could be with me. (Vision is powerful.)

(I had also earnestly prayed specifically for a beautiful wife since I was a teenager. Another underestimated strategy for wife-getting.)

So when I met my wife, I didn’t think of it as getting “lucky” nor did I understand why she was attracted to me. I just assumed it was destiny and told her we should probably get married.

But shortly after we got married I became a beta. I tried to make her the center of my life. I started believing people when they said how “lucky” I was to have such a lovely wife. I started thinking “I better not screw this up. I’m going to do everything I can to be a good husband.”

But, much to my confusion, the harder I tried to be a better husband the unhappier she got.

I had a meager sex life the first several years of marriage. I felt lucky if I got any kind of action once-a-week. And I certainly didn’t want to bug her or pressure he to do anything more than that.

That’s the beta side of sex.

But after discovering the truth about women’s sexual preferences thanks to the red pill movement, I managed to “crack the alpha code” and turn my marriage around. The differences of experience is astounding.

It wasn’t an instant transformation. But it was a transformation that led to accelerated returns. What started as simply me feeling a little more confident turned into her nagging me less… which turned into more action and a happier woman… which turned into her doing things on her own initiative that she previously said she’d never do… and the rewards just seem to keep coming.

The marriage experience as alpha vs. the marriage experience as a beta is night and day.

“Christian” marriage advice is a scam because it doesn’t teach men and women to be happy. Rather, it only teaches men and women to reframe their standards to accept smaller blessings and learn how to cope with another “sinner.”

But, because the differences are so extreme between the alpha marriage and the beta marriage, I feel it would be a crime to merely equip men with “coping tools”. I don’t want to give you a metaphorical aspirin for your marriage. I want to help you restore your health as a man at the deepest level.

Because of this vital distinction, I think it is important to have clear and practical indicators to know whether you’re truly on the alpha path or not. It does a man no good to merely imitate alpha behaviors while never truly reaping the alpha rewards.

 

Alpha vs. Beta: A Practical Distinction

There are two aspects to determining whether you’re on the alpha path: the internal feedback and the external feedback.

The external feedback comes from your wife. Does she actively try to please you or does she merely comply with your demands?

A brutal, but effective test for this is as follows:

Don’t initiate sex for a week and don’t drop any hints that you’re interested. Does she initiate sex?

As Rollo Tomassi has pointed out, women have sex with alphas for validation; sex with betas is transactional. In other words, a woman needs to have sex with an alpha and if she doesn’t get it for an extended period of time she become anxious and seeks it out to validate herself. To use an analogy, it’s like a woman posting something on Facebook and anxiously checking in to see if anyone “liked” it. This is how a woman feels in the presence of an alpha husband. Every sexual act, regardless of how “good” it was, is like another “thumbs up” that validates her. It’s not so much the quality of the sex that matters, it’s the validation.

But sex with a beta is done from a sense of (reluctant) obligation. This is why wives often worry about “mismatched libidos” or ask “how often should married couples have sex to maintain a healthy marriage?” These questions indicate she’s looking for the minimum acceptable dose to qualify as performing her “Christian duty.”

My guess is that very few Christian men experience a true alpha frame. At best, they experience a beta frame with some “game” tactics thrown in to give the illusion of progress.

But do not despair. Your future is not determined by her current response to you. If you are willing to set your ego aside, there is an internal feedback you can use to recognize whether you are on your way to being a true alpha or not.

I’ll say it again: your ego is what will prevent you from becoming a true alpha in your marriage. Everybody wants to identify as the alpha. But it’s more useful to accurately identify yourself as a beta so you can finally recognize the root of the problem.

The internal feedback you need to examine in yourself is this:

Do you play to win? Or do you play to not lose?

Every time you try something, your most likely outcome on the first attempt is no success.

For example, if you call a company to see if they need your skill set, they will most likely decline.

The first time you try a new move in the bedroom, it will most likely not work.

The first time you try to assert yourself, you will most likely not be taken seriously.

You get the idea.

Your response to these kind of scenarios is what determines whether you can become the true alpha. Alpha and beta is not just about your behavior in the sexual arena. It’s how you approach all of life.

Alphas play to win. They know that every time they try something, they have a chance of winning.

Betas play to not lose. They interpret “no success” as failure and play it “safe” to avoid pain.

The alpha will contact the company unsolicited because they might have work for him. The beta will avoid the call out of fear of rejection or making some blunder that will cost the sale.

The alpha will invest some of his money in a new business venture because he might be successful. The beta fears losing his money and so he “responsibly” keeps it all in a savings account.

The alpha will pay for information that might give him a personal advantage. The beta worries about getting “ripped off” and so doesn’t buy the eBook, course, membership, etc. saying it’s “too expensive.”

The alpha will try out a novel idea he learned from a stranger on the internet because it might work. The beta will disagree with the idea and rationalize how it won’t work in his situation… or else he’ll agree with it and tell himself he’ll try it when “the time is right.”

The alpha will speak his mind or publish his thoughts because he is probably right. The beta will remain silent because he might be wrong.

The alpha will prioritize his own interests above his employer’s because he’s playing to succeed in his mission. The beta will say “yes” to everything the boss says because he doesn’t want to lose his job.

The alpha will get his “skin in the game” right away so he gets immediate feedback. The beta will spend his time prepping and organizing but avoids making first contact, telling himself he only wants to put his “best foot forward.”

The alpha will try new approaches with his wife if what he’s currently doing isn’t working. The beta will continue to use the same approach because the new approach might offend her.

Alphas are unphased by a lack of success. They know there will always be another opportunity. They do everything they can to increase their chances of success and they keep trying.

Betas are devastated by a lack of success. They think they had only one chance and they blew it. They do everything they can to avoid failure and only try things once.

I know all this because I’ve been on both sides of the equation.

If you want to become the alpha that a woman needs to have sex with, tell yourself the following statement every time you face hesitation:

I’m the type of man who plays to win.