If you don’t mind comparing your marriage to horse training, here’s a lesson I found while reading Ryan Holiday’s The Obstacle is the Way:
As a young man, Alexander the Great trained his famous horse, Bucephalus.
No one had been able to train this horse prior to Alexander. Even his father, King Philip II, could not break the horse in. They tried whips and ropes and every kind of force they could muster. But still, the horse would only buck off the riders.
But Alexander had a different approach.
He would lightly mount the horse and simply hang on until the horse was calm. The harder Bucephalus tried to buck Alexander off, they more quickly he tired out. The horse had no choice but to submit to his rider’s influence.
Alexander used the horse’s own force against itself.
It’s a similar situation with high-strung wives…
Sometimes the best approach is simply to remain calm. Ask her a series of fact-based questions to get more data on the situation (who, what, where, when, why, how). The more emotional she is, the more she’ll exhaust herself trying to address your simple questions.
Soon enough, she’ll have no fight left in her and, being too exhausted, she’ll turn to you for guidance.