Desiring God delivers another fine specimen of effective anti-male propaganda:

“It is unkind to pressure your spouse for oral sex when he or she finds it unpleasant. Outdo each other in kindness.”

I almost find it admirable how clever these guilt-inducing statements are. It should be rather fun to dissect it.

First off, we have to realize who this message is addressed to.

Ask yourself this question:

How many married men in your local church do you know who is a true alpha male?

Can’t think of any?

Yeah, me neither.

Despite the stereotype of the high-testosterone domineering Christian husband, you’ll rarely find one.

What you’ll find instead is a multitude of “nice guys.” Men who have been trained since youth to seek the approval of women.

If you’ve ever read No More Mr. Nice Guy, you know that “nice guys” constantly worry about not being seen as “selfish.” So framing oral sex as selfish appeals perfectly to the Nice Guy’s insecurities.

Furthermore, the last thing a Nice Guy wants to do is “pressure” anybody to do anything. There’s an entire industry of training programs designed to help nice guys sell without using “sales pressure” and get dates without having to “be a jerk.” *

Nice Guys never want to rock the boat and live for the approval of others. A Nice Guy will have no trouble believing it’s selfish to “pressure” a woman into doing a sexual act.

DG then covers their tracks by adding the “he or she” statement. Always exaggerate the exceptions to make the problem appear egalitarian.

Finally, DG once again displays a complete ignorance of female sexuality.

According to a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, over 70% of women fantasize about performing oral sex on a man.

Furthermore, a woman can be sexually aroused by almost anything. If something is acceptable to her culture and/or if an alpha male is directing her, a woman will be down with just about anything. (This is probably why so much ancient wisdom warns husbands to keep a close watch over their wives.)

But this sexual “fluidity” is also good news for husbands. Just because she won’t do something today, doesn’t mean she won’t be thrilled to do it under the right conditions.

As far as I can tell, there are four reasons a wife would not want to perform oral:

  1. Stinky crotch or foul-tasting semen (due to poor hygiene or bad diet)
  2. No emotional meaning given to the act (she sees it just as something gross they do in porn)
  3. She associates it with “sin” due to her religious background or past sexual experiences
  4. Her man has not yet successfully passed her “shit tests” and thus she is not ready to submit to him sexually

Finally, DG closes with a classic use of pseudo-Scripture. “Outdo each other in kindness” sounds like something that would come from the Bible, but it’s not. The correct text is:

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;
-Romans 12:10

The Greek word translated into honor is time, which means “what has value in the eyes of the beholder.”

“Kindness” could be an acceptable word if you truly are thinking about what the other person needs and values.

But when a Nice Guy hears “kindness”, he doesn’t think “what does a woman need sexually?” Instead, he thinks “I work so hard and help out around the house. Why won’t she return the favor?!”

If you truly want to honor your wife, you’ll work on developing the masculine attributes that she needs. For most of us, that means being more dominant.

Increase your dominance, and giving you head becomes her pleasure… not something you have to “pressure” her to do.

* The alternative to “no pressure” is not “high pressure” (which is needy) but rather declaring what you want and being outcome independent.