In yesterday’s post, I presented a simple “equation” for identifying if your wife is ready for a radical change in her life:
Turbulent Personality + Undesirable Situation = Ready for Radical Change
Women are typically turbulent. Meaning, rather than being satisfied with her life or taking a steady improvement approach, she is likely deeply unsatisfied with herself. She wants to improve, but not gradually.
She wants immediate and even radical change.
As a husband, this desire for change could work out to your advantage: moving to a better location, introducing a new lifestyle, introducing something new in the bedroom, etc.
Or, it could work out to your detriment: a new “health” craze, a new career outside the home, going back to school for some useless degree, or, in extreme cases, even having an affair.
It’s all about timing.
When the opportunity is right, a turbulent personality will be ready to swing in whatever direction you (or someone else) provides a vision for.
In Eric Hoffer’s perennial seller, The True Believer, he describes the various “undesirable” situations that make someone a potential convert to a new cause. I’ve selected the most relevant ones and adapted them to a marriage context below.
Once, when I was laid off from my job. I was surprised when my wife, almost immediately upon hearing the news, suggested that we pack up and move to another state with a better job market.
Normally it’s women who have the most emotional investment in a particular location with their relationships and getting used to the culture and all that. But compared against the pain of being newly poor, she was ready to throw it all away for a new opportunity.
A sudden economic change for the worse is a prime time to move to a new location, start a new career, or any other change that has any hope of improving your economic condition. This is the “grass is greener on the other side” kind of opportunity.
Note: This is a limited window opportunity. Once someone gets used to being poor, it’s no longer an urgent problem.
There’s an old saying, “you don’t know what you got until it’s gone.”
Suddenly, all kinds of desires that lay dormant become aroused when an ability is suddenly taken away (or threatened to be lost). The man who loses his legs desires to run. The one who is losing hearing suddenly craves music. The terminally ill suddenly wants to live life on the edge.
Obviously, you would never wish this to happen to anyone, and especially your wife. Nevertheless, handicaps can create a burning desire for what one supposedly “can’t have.” If you can find a way to let her experience what all the doctors, cynics, and “sensible” people say is impossible… you’ll have a devoted convert.
The unfulfilled desire for creative work is the most permanent undesirable condition.
The nice thing about creativity is it ties in well to sexuality. Currently, I’m reading The Genius Famine with my wife. It’s a well-researched manifesto about the decline of creative intelligence in Western culture. Since intelligence and the creative personality is (mostly) genetic, it makes sense that creative people should get busy breeding and create a home environment conducive to creativity. Plus, I’m sure I can dig up some studies about how sex enhances creativity and other such interesting things.
The unfulfilled creative woman desperately wants to escape the hum-drum busyness of ordinary life and pursue her dream of doing creative work. If she believes you can make that lifestyle a reality, she’ll be up for whatever it takes to get there.
The Unusually Selfish
All of us are selfish to an extent. But women often become so selfish that it becomes too much of a burden to bear.
The more selfish she is, the more severe her disappointments will be. Disappointments add up to self-loathing and losing faith in her own ability.
What a woman in this situation craves is therapy. She believes something is wrong with her and she wants help with all the problems in her head.
But rather than go to a traditional therapist, why not do “sex therapy”?
In simple terms, sex therapy means that you figure out what she needs and tell her while she’s going down on you or while you’re aggressively providing her “conjugal rights.” For example, “you like to feel sexy, don’t you?… You need a strong hand to guide you, don’t you?… I know what women need when they get depressed… You need a new focus in your life.” etc.
The Opportunity Seeker
Opportunity seekers feel burdened by the fact that they are surrounded by opportunities but have failed to take advantage of any of them.
These people are the classic targets for “get-rich-quick” schemes. Unwilling to accept the hum-drum life of the status quo, these people will passionately throw themselves into the next “big thing.”
While being an opportunity seeker is not a healthy way to live, being a disciplined entrepreneur can be a rewarding lifestyle. If you can show her that you share her abundance mentality, you can provide her with the discipline she needs… perhaps even positioning yourself as her “coach” (a dominant-submissive relationship ripe for erotic play.)
Probably the most common undesirable situation. If your wife spends all day on social media and indicates in some way that she feels her life is “meaningless”… you have a bored wife on your hands.
Many women will intentionally create drama when they’re bored. Perhaps she’ll start a fight with you. Perhaps she’ll gossip about other people’s problems. Perhaps she’ll complain about her various emotional and mental problems.
What bored women want is simple: entertainment.
Essentially, you need to become her Facebook timeline. Her mind is a blank slate longing to be filled with interesting information. Might as well make that information serve your purpose.
Is there some news story you can show her that can lead to an important discussion? An interesting documentary to watch together? Or perhaps something intriguing (and erotic) you can purchase to make her wonder what you’re up to?
As long it’s interesting and not too crazy, you can introduce her to just about anything at this time.