On Bridling Unruly Wives and Horses

If you don’t mind comparing your marriage to horse training, here’s a lesson I found while reading Ryan Holiday’s The Obstacle is the Way:

As a young man, Alexander the Great trained his famous horse, Bucephalus.

No one had been able to train this horse prior to Alexander. Even his father, King Philip II, could not break the horse in. They tried whips and ropes and every kind of force they could muster. But still, the horse would only buck off the riders.

But Alexander had a different approach.

He would lightly mount the horse and simply hang on until the horse was calm. The harder Bucephalus tried to buck Alexander off, they more quickly he tired out. The horse had no choice but to submit to his rider’s influence.

Alexander used the horse’s own force against itself.

It’s a similar situation with high-strung wives…

Sometimes the best approach is simply to remain calm. Ask her a series of fact-based questions to get more data on the situation (who, what, where, when, why, how). The more emotional she is, the more she’ll exhaust herself trying to address your simple questions.

Soon enough, she’ll have no fight left in her and, being too exhausted, she’ll turn to you for guidance.

 

How to Sanctify Your Family While Sitting On Your Butt Watching TV…

Entertainment is a controversial topic among Christians.

How much is too much? What shows are appropriate? Is violence better than sex? etc. etc.

But one aspect of entertainment I rarely hear talked about is how fathers can “spin” secular entertainment into spiritual lessons.

For example, here’s the opening scene from the latest Pixar film, Coco:

In the scene, the boy explains how his family is not like other families because his grandmother hates music and tries to shut it out from their life.

This simple scene could be used to illustrate a number of spiritual truths like…

  • Just like the bitter grandmother who wanted to shut out music, so do some people become bitter against God and shut out the light.
  • Even if those around you are bitter, you can still have joy in your heart just like the little boy in the Coco
  • God gives us reason to sing, just like the boy in Coco
  • Some people want to snuff out the light, just like the grandmother wanted to snuff out music. But you can’t hold back the truth for long.
  • God wants his truth to be like music to our ears. Just like the boy in Coco.

The next time you’re watching a show with your wife or kids, keep your eyes open for good illustrations. Spiritual truths are more readily grasped when there is a tangible reference point.

Now, I think I need to get to “work” and catch up on my movie watching 😉

Biblical Husbandry 101

Illimitable Men’s reflections on dominance and submission is a better marriage guide anything you’ll hear from the pulpit today:

[A] good woman is the handiwork of great men, ideally well-raised by a strong father, but at the very least young and receptive to dominant, masculine governance. A woman cannot, try it as she may, become the embodiment of what a man wants without her chosen partner having a hand in the matter, for her constitution is innately erratic, and as such, in the absence of a strong male figure in her life, she will in all likelihood fall prey to predacious dogma and sully herself.

The value of a young woman extends beyond the appeal of her physical youth and fertility, although both are covetously desirable in and of themselves, it is her malleability to be formed into a woman who complements a man that is her main draw. Older women are, much to the dismay of men everywhere, not solely lacking in beauty, but largely irredeemable in that they lack the pliability archetypal of young women.

Bitter older woman unable to secure a dominant alpha who see a young woman coupled with a man perhaps ten or even fifteen years her senior have an instinct to shame the couple, more specifically, the man. It is said by spinsters of ever-increasing opinionation that such men are no more than perverts, that they only covet a young woman’s body and sexuality, and that if such men were as refined as they, they’d look to date someone “more mature.” Be it that maturity for women is little more than bitterness that erodes their femininity, the point of maturity is an entirely moot point, for women mature little in adulthood. These spinsters disguise their vitriolic bitterness as concern for the well-being of young women, but in reality they are the jealous crabs in the bucket, scornful of the men who don’t want them, jealous of the women who can get them.

The man must act upon and mould a woman more than she does him, for if the woman is to act upon and mould the man, she will create something she finds abhorrent. More simply and explicitly stated, a woman will mould a man into someone she despises, but a man will mould a woman into someone he loves.

For the “how to’s” of moulding a woman, check out my latest guest post on the Sigma Frame blog.

Why I Don’t Use Bible Reading Plans

After years of reading the Bible to your wife, do you feel disappointed that she hasn’t transformed into that radiant woman without “spot or wrinkle” that biblical husbandry is supposed to bring about?

If you do, you’re not alone.

After several years of trying the standard “daily devotion” approach to spiritual leadership, I abandoned it completely. I threw away all my nifty “Bible in a Year” plans. I no longer do a structured family worship time.

Why?

Simply because I wasn’t seeing results. There was no spiritual fruit.

What I do instead is far more simple and more effective in my experience.

I think some men have intuitively figured out this method, but I’ve never seen or heard it explained before.

I’ve detailed how the method works in a 3,394 word guest article on Sigma Frame. It’s the most in-depth “how to” article I’ve published to date. I recommend bookmarking it and reading it through as you’re able. If you have any questions about the method, leave me a comment.

After you’ve read the explanation, you can download a one-page summary of the method that you can print out for reference.

 

Persuasion 101

Forget everything you learned in English class. This is real-world communication 101.

Lesson #1: Without frame control, your opinion doesn’t matter

Frame control primarily means three things:

  1. Call out B.S.
  2. Get to the point and don’t let people waste your time
  3. Don’t be the dancing monkey*

 

Lesson #2: Right Frame + Right Proposition + Trust = Agreement

Right frame:

  • Do you have her attention?
  • Does she understand your jargon?
  • Is it directly relevant to her needs? (see Maslow’s hierarchy of needs)
  • Is she capable of understanding and using what you’re telling her?

Right proposition:

  • Does it easily to connect to what she already understands and believes?
  • Is the proposed change simple and easy to implement?

Trust:

  • Do you live consistently with your values?
  • Does she know your intentions are for her own good?
  • Have you shown yourself to be a capable man who can achieve his goals?

 

Lesson #3: Speak the unspoken

Guess what she’s thinking and say it before she does. This creates an instant mind-meld that allows you to direct her thoughts.

Lesson #4: Claims create objections

Our most automatic form of communication is a self-centered sequence: opinion > reason > evidence. Unless people already agree with you, they will almost certainly disagree with your claim.

But if you want someone to have the same epiphany as you, let them discover it themselves. Inverse the order: evidence > reason > suggestion.

This is not to say you should never lead with a claim. Claims expose people to new ideas. Just don’t expect anyone to agree with you if it’s a new idea. But repetitious exposure creates belief.

* The “dancing monkey” is a metaphor coined by freelance writer Bob Bly. It refers to the barrage of questions potential clients use to intimidate inexperienced freelancers into lowering their fees to barely livable wages: “have you worked in this industry before?” “what kind of results have you gotten?” “What makes you so sure you can do the job?” etc. etc.

Women do the same thing to their husbands when she demands explanations and “proof” to back up everything he says, bringing attention to his inadequacies and past failures in attempts to lower his confidence and force submission.

Further Reading:

Re: Secret Thoughts of a Desperate Housewife

The other week I wrote a post summarizing some of the common sex questions Christian wives are privately asking online.

Most of the questions centered around issues of guilt. I thought it’d be fun/useful/provocative to give my answers to each of the questions.

Q: Is using birth control and condoms inside of marriage a sin?

A: No. Do not add to the word of God. “Be fruitful and multiply” does not mean have as many children as you can as fast as humanly possible.

Exception: some forms of birth control destroy life after conception. Sometimes it is difficult to assess the effects of a birth control. Condoms are probably the safest bet in terms of conscience.

Q: Is masturbation a sin?

A: No. Do not add to the word of God.

Q: Is it a sin to have an erotic dream involving another man?

A: No. Do not add to the word of God.

Q: I can’t enjoy sex…

A: Ask her what she is thinking about while she is having sex. Get specifics.

Q: Is it a sin to have sexual thoughts about someone other than my husband?

A: No. Do not add to the word of God.

Exception: It is a sin to covet a man other than your husband. But this is different than fleeting sexual thoughts.

Q: Is it a sin to enjoy reading erotica?

A: No. Otherwise you couldn’t enjoy the Song of Songs.

Q: How can I deal with lusting after hot guys?

A: The modern concept of lust is different from the biblical concept of lust. She is probably just noticing physical features that women instinctively find attractive. But if it truly is sinful lust, the solution is simple: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)

Q: I feel guilty because I privately fantasize about being raped…

A: “Rape” is modern term used to shame both men and women for natural sexual instincts. It is not wrong to have sexual fantasies about being roughly taken by a man. Do not add to the word of God.

Q: Need prayer to heal from the past…

A: Pray. But don’t allow her to continue to identify as a victim. There is (probably) nothing wrong with her physically. It’s all in her head. Help her to focus on positive aspects of sex (like the Song of Songs) rather than negative (like being a sexual abuse victim.)

Q: I have issues with attraction and fantasies towards women…

A: The Bible never condemns women for finding other women sexually attractive. The Song of Songs even encourages it (Song 6:13).

 

And Now a Word from Disney…

Given my apparent theme lately of Satanic deception and sexual suppression, it seemed fitting to wrap the week up with a lesson from Disney.

The other week, there was some discussion in the manosphere over the Satanic nature of the song “Let It Go” from Frozen.

I would agree that the lyrics are Satanic (at least when they stand alone). But the lyrics also provide a perfect perspective on the inner thoughts of a woman as she is being deceived.

So let’s consider the following lyrics and try to become “wise as serpents” in our dealing with our wives and daughters:

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation,
and it looks like I’m the Queen
She feels like her responsibility is forcing her to be isolated from relationships with others. Like any girl, she is curious about the world and wants adventure. But she feels trapped.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in;
Heaven knows I’ve tried
Her inner (sexual?) passions are too much to contain. She feels that she can’t “keep it in.”
Don’t let them in,
don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Being “good” and her inner passions are placed at odds with each other. She now feels like she is “bad” and cannot let loved ones get too close to her. Being “good” becomes a heavy burden.
Conceal, don’t feel,
don’t let them know
It is her passions that make her “bad.” The message she perceives is that she must conceal these passions. Don’t let anyone know how bad she is.
Well now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
After having her epiphany that her passion is too much of a burden to hold in, she finds a new sense of liberation in letting it go.
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care
what they’re going to say
Now that’s she’s made her decision to “let it go”, she reaffirms her decision by burning her bridges. They don’t understand. She doesn’t need them.
Let the storm rage on.
Her conclusive cry of “liberation.”
The cold never bothered me anyway
Sure, there’s a down side, but it’s not that bad…
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all
She is uncertain about her decision so she needs further justification. Compared living in fear as a “good girl”, this new liberated lifestyle is clearly better for her.
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
I’m free!
With the shackles removed, she can finally explore the limits of her passion. No more rules! That means she’s free, right?
Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on

She’s a grown up now. She’s has understanding now of things she was never allowed to previously explored. She boldly declares “here I’ll stay.”

Suppression is the necessary condition for deception. Women always want to feel like they’re being liberated from an oppressor.

Don’t allow God’s Word to become that oppressor she secretly craves to be liberated from.

Frame is everything.

6 Red Pill Questions for Serious Christians

Over at the Red Pill Christians subreddit, I came across an interesting set of questions posted by the user “Red-Curious.”

Other than my own blog and Sigma Frame, I don’t know of any other blogs that are trying to develop practical frameworks for married Christian men to use in light of red pill truths.

Dalrock and company have some good insights. But their specialty tends to be calling out feminism in the church rather than providing usable strategies for awakened men.

So the church is woefully lacking resources to help married men who have recognized and accepted the true nature of women.

But if we were to start a larger conversation, I think these questions would be a good place to start. (I’ve given my own opinions as a response.)

1. How can you reconcile the message of Christ with Red Pill Praxeology? What about Married Red Pill? Does the message of Paul and Peter change the picture?

The Red Pill is simply re-awakening us to biological truths that are suggested at the beginning of Genesis. Christ’s message was about a new kingdom, not a new biological imperative, so there is no conflict. But the marriage teachings of Peter and Paul do change the frame of red pill truths. Men are expected to take responsibility for their wives just as Christ takes responsibility for the church.

2. Why are Christians such bloop caricatures? How did we go from Warrior Knights of the Cross to this mess of de-testosteronized “men” in the church today?

My best understanding is that this is due to the cultural forces that contributed to the Nice Guy Syndrome. Men have been conditioned for several generations to seek approval from women and view traditional masculine qualities as “toxic.” This message is further reinforced in the church by the “sacrificial love” rhetoric. Nice Guys believe that if they do the right things and sacrifice more, they will get what they need. “Sacrificial love” is changed to mean doing what the wife wants… which only makes marriages worse. On top of that, most Christian men are pre-occupied with the so-called “battle of lust,” thus ensuring they will remain in perpetual state of feeling guilty over their sexual instincts and believing they are a “sinner” unfit for any significant duty in God’s kingdom.

3. Do you agree with Dalrock that feminism has invaded the churches and that more and more apostate Christians are replacing the worship of the Lord Jesus with Vagina worship?

Yes.

4. What Christian denominations have been able to hold back this feminist onslaught and why?

None that I’m aware of. Though my experience is limited to Pentecostal and Reformed denominations. Pentecostals seem to be more blatantly egalitarian. Reformed churches seem to give lip service to the abstract concepts of headship and submission. But they ignore the gritty details of the problems and fail to provide any workable advice to men dealing with the effects of feminism.

5. Can a Christian man use Dread Game with a disobedient wife?

Yes. Dread Game is about arousing a woman’s jealousy in order to reform her behavior. We learn in Romans 11 that God brought in the Gentiles in order to make the unrepentant Jews jealous. So provoking a disobedient wife to jealousy is (literally) a godly thing to do.

6. Who agrees with me that we can fix this for the next generation if we bring back the authority of a man over his family, including his wife, and children? Can we? Should we?

Agreed. First, we must attempt to do so through teaching and rhetoric. If that doesn’t work, we simply wait for our civilization to crumble so we can rebuild. Build your own household on the rock so that it does not crumble when the storm comes.

How to Personality Type Your Wife with 4 Questions

I’m a big nerd for personality psychology.

The best teacher I’ve found on applying personality psychology to the real world is Stefanie Arroyo. She teaches how many people mis-type themselves when they take the online Myers-Briggs tests. Instead, you’ve got to assess a person yourself based on their behavior.

I adapted these 4 simple questions from her teaching. Use them to discover what kind of woman you have on your hands.

Question #1:

Does she enjoy bantering with strangers? (e.g. Uber drivers, new people at church, cashiers at the store, etc.)

Extroverts (E) are naturally drawn to and energized by meeting new people. Introverts (I) only talk to new people if they have a specific reason to.

Question #2:

Is she more of a “head-in-the-clouds” person or “down-to-earth” person?

Intuitive (N) people live in a world of imagination and ideas and tend to miss practical details. Sensing (S) people are practical and detail-oriented and tend to miss the big picture. (About 3 out 4 women are “Sensing”)

Question #3:

Does she talk about what she “thinks” or what she “feels”?

Thinkers (T) are primarily concerned with truth and falsehood and justify their opinions through logic. Feelers (F) are primarily concerned with harmony and justify their opinions based on how it makes themselves and others feel. (About 2 out of 3 women are “Feelers”).

Question #4:

Does she (consistently) follow a meal plan and recipes when preparing dinner… or does she improvise and throw things together?

Judgers (J) use schedules and todo lists and think in terms of tasks – what needs to get done? Perceivers (P) improvise and think in terms of opportunities – what could I do now?

Personality types are a large part of what creates the unique pleasures and challenges in a marriage.

I’m an INTP and my wife is an ESFP. To put it in archetype terms, my marriage is like an absent-minded professor married to an in-the-moment entertainer.

So my marriage challenges may be very different then, say, a practical-minded man married to an idealist woman.

Yes, there are universal attributes shared by all women. But for the specific applications, it often comes down to individual personalities.

Once you’ve typed your wife, I recommend checking the description here:

https://www.16personalities.com/personality-types

If the description mostly fits, study the strengths and weaknesses and what makes that personality tick. It may save you a lot of trouble.