This recent headline from the Gospel Coalition reveals that many modern Christians are simply damsels in distress waiting to be rescued:
9 Ways to Pastor Single Christians Longing for Marriage
To illustrate the absurdity of this attitude, just change the context:
9 Ways to Pastor Poor Christians Longing for a Successful Business
9 Ways to Pastor Ignorant Christians Longing for Knowledge
9 Ways to Pastor Overweight Christians Longing for Thinness
9 Ways to Pastor Skinny Christians Longing for Muscles
9 Ways to Pastor Smart Christians Longing for an Audience
If you’re a man, “longing” for a marriage won’t get you anywhere. Figure out where the women are, improve yourself, and start screening your options.
And women would do well to follow the advice Naomi gave to Ruth:
“Wash yourself therefore, and anoint yourself and put on your best clothes, and go down to the threshing floor; but do not make yourself known to the man until he has finished eating and drinking.” (Ruth 3:4)
There’s a difference between wishing for something and truly desiring something. Wishing focuses on what you lack and leads to bitterness. Desire focuses on what you want and leads to action.
Finding a good spouse is difficult. But it’s the kind of difficulty that makes you a better person.
Had a great discussion over on the Red Pill Christians sub the other day.
A single guy was discussing his experience on a couple recent dates. It’s worth reading because, first off, the guy’s a great example on how to have humility of mind when applying red pill philosophy. He’s open to correction and willing to admit he has more to learn. I expect he will have success if he keeps at it.
But the post is also a great example of what I believe is the most common mistake made in the red pill community (both married and single):
Focusing too much on tactics, not enough on mindset.
The guy described the things he did “right”, like he brought something to do in order to look busy beforehand, how he asked them questions and controlled the conversation, ended the date after an hour, etc.
He also described his “weaknesses” – how he bought the coffee for them, how he said “I like that” too much about things she said, how he needs to make eye contact more, etc.
On the surface, his assessments sound on track. He’s distinguishing alpha and beta behaviors. But he’s never going to be able to change into an alpha by focusing on all the little things he did wrong. Alpha comes from the mindset not from surface level behaviors.
I told him instead of trying to focus on a bunch of specifics, focus on ONE thing that will pull everything else together for him. For example, imagine that he was a king of a large kingdom, and these women are being brought to him in order to see if they pleased him. If they didn’t, there’s no need to worry about it because there are plenty of other women in line to see him.
Another commenter followed up by saying to simply take attraction for granted. You don’t need to worry if you’re doing the “right” things. She’s there with you, so she’s obviously attracted to you. You’re just trying to qualify her to see if she’s suited for your lifestyle.
Rollo Tomassi has written that the core difference between an alpha and a beta is an abundance vs. a scarcity mindset. When you have an abundance mindset, she’ll end up trying to please you because she senses you’re not afraid to lose her. But when you have a scarcity mindset, you’ll engage in “mate guarding” behavior that she’ll find repulsive.
Ironically, when you try to be more alpha by imitating what alphas do, this is just another form of mate guarding. You’re trying to be more alpha out fear of “screwing up.” She’ll see right through it and perceive you as needy.
But when you simply assume she’s already attracted to you and that lots of women would want to be with you, that’s when you will naturally display alpha behavior.
In short, spend less time trying to do what alphas do and more time thinking about how lucky any woman would be to be blessed with your seed.
Because of the savour of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee.
-Song of Solomon 1:3