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The Allure of the Absent Husband

A noteworthy observation:

The more I’m away from the house, the more my wife wants to have sex with me.

Robert Greene’s Law of Power #16:

Use absence to increase respect and honor.

Or, to paraphrase King Solomon:

Let your foot be seldom in your [own] house, lest [she] have [her] fill of you and hate you. (Prov. 25:17)

She won’t tell you… but you need to know

Receiving a blowjob is probably the #1 secret desire of most married Christian guys today.

And wives will invent all kinds of excuses to avoid doing this act. But the true reason she is repulsed by the idea might be much simpler (and more embarrassing) than you think.

From the (highly recommended) Married Sex Man Primer by Athol Kay:

You have a body and that body can get a little stinky. That is a huge turn off to women…

Particularly the washing up needs to happen “down there” if you have any hope of getting blowjobs. You may think you smell just fine, but in the words of Fat Bastard, “Everybody loves their own aroma.” Her vagina doesn’t have a sense of smell, so as long as you don’t smell terrible all over, she can lie back and think about shoe sales for the two minutes it takes you to be done…

Her nose does have a sense of smell though and when it’s nuzzling into your crotch she’s going to get a heady whiff of whatever has been happening down there. Two-day-old underwear with urine stains aren’t going to cut it. If you’ve spent half the day getting hard over the busty chick in the cubicle next to you and there’s something approaching a pint of drying pre-cum swill in your pants, that’s going to smell bad. Women have sensitive noses, far more sensitive than those of men. Faced with smells as strong as these, she’s just going to uncontrollably gag as soon as something goes in her mouth. Wives hate that.

Even if the last person you had sex with was her, if that’s not cleansed off with soap and water and is just left au naturale, within 24 hours your cock is going to smell like you have a fetish for bare-backing cheap zombie hookers. So please, wash your cock.

As much as we like to complain about feminism and our man-hating culture, a bar of soap and a daily scrubbing is more likely to get you what you’re after than any amount of radical social changes.

And if there be any doubt among ye, thus speaketh the Lord:

‘Now if a man has a seminal emission, he shall bathe all his body in water and be unclean until evening. As for any garment or any leather on which there is seminal emission, it shall be washed with water and be unclean until evening. If a man lies with a woman so that there is a seminal emission, they shall both bathe in water and be unclean until evening.’
-Leviticus 15:16-18

Granted, we don’t have to worry about being ceremonial unclean to enter the temple anymore. But bathing and washing is still a good idea.

Is It OK to Talk “Dirty”?

A married man asks how other Christian men feel about talking “dirty” with their wives.

Is it sinful? Does the Bible say anything about the issue?

I’ve always been a bit baffled why modern Christians are so sensitive about “inappropriate” topics. As best I can tell, this pious prudery comes from a sloppy exegesis of the following passage:

and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.

-Ephesians 5:4

“filthiness” (aischrotés) means “baseness” or someone who lacks moral character.

“silly talk” (mórologia) literally means foolish (moronic) words.

“course jesting” (eutrapelia) means using wit to refer to sexual functions in a rude and irreverent way.

These concepts are contrasted with thankfulness. Does your language indicate that you have an intelligent appreciation for God’s good creation? Or do you come across as an immoral, stupid person who can only manage to crack cynical jokes about body parts?

But this is not to say “dirty” topics are off limits to Christians. It’s all about how you say it.

To illustrate, consider the following examples:

Example 1:

“Your mouth is a cum receptacle for me to masturbate into.”

The above statement indicates a lack of character. It shows no respect for the sexual needs of the woman. It’s supposed to be clever/funny but there’s no point to the joke. It reveals a godless worldview. The statement does nothing to praise the beauty and goodness of sex. In fact, it lowers the act to a meaningless level.

Contrast that with the following expression from Song of Solomon 4:11:

Your lips, my bride, drip honey; Honey and milk are under your tongue

Both expressions could be referring to the same act. But the latter expression is beautiful rather than base. Instead of using cleverness to lower a sexual act to nihilism, it elevates a physical act we might be tempted to think of as meaningless or gross to it’s proper place of beauty and goodness.

But it is “dirty” in the sense that it’s not something you would talk about in the presence of elderly ladies.

But in the proper context, Christians should feel free to invent and use all kinds of sexual metaphors… so long our language indicates that we have understanding and see sex as a good thing!

P.S. It’s also worth noting that the Bible never instructs us to be offended by “course jesting”… only that we are to avoid doing it ourselves.