Had a great discussion over on the Red Pill Christians sub the other day.
A single guy was discussing his experience on a couple recent dates. It’s worth reading because, first off, the guy’s a great example on how to have humility of mind when applying red pill philosophy. He’s open to correction and willing to admit he has more to learn. I expect he will have success if he keeps at it.
But the post is also a great example of what I believe is the most common mistake made in the red pill community (both married and single):
Focusing too much on tactics, not enough on mindset.
The guy described the things he did “right”, like he brought something to do in order to look busy beforehand, how he asked them questions and controlled the conversation, ended the date after an hour, etc.
He also described his “weaknesses” – how he bought the coffee for them, how he said “I like that” too much about things she said, how he needs to make eye contact more, etc.
On the surface, his assessments sound on track. He’s distinguishing alpha and beta behaviors. But he’s never going to be able to change into an alpha by focusing on all the little things he did wrong. Alpha comes from the mindset not from surface level behaviors.
I told him instead of trying to focus on a bunch of specifics, focus on ONE thing that will pull everything else together for him. For example, imagine that he was a king of a large kingdom, and these women are being brought to him in order to see if they pleased him. If they didn’t, there’s no need to worry about it because there are plenty of other women in line to see him.
Another commenter followed up by saying to simply take attraction for granted. You don’t need to worry if you’re doing the “right” things. She’s there with you, so she’s obviously attracted to you. You’re just trying to qualify her to see if she’s suited for your lifestyle.
Rollo Tomassi has written that the core difference between an alpha and a beta is an abundance vs. a scarcity mindset. When you have an abundance mindset, she’ll end up trying to please you because she senses you’re not afraid to lose her. But when you have a scarcity mindset, you’ll engage in “mate guarding” behavior that she’ll find repulsive.
Ironically, when you try to be more alpha by imitating what alphas do, this is just another form of mate guarding. You’re trying to be more alpha out fear of “screwing up.” She’ll see right through it and perceive you as needy.
But when you simply assume she’s already attracted to you and that lots of women would want to be with you, that’s when you will naturally display alpha behavior.
In short, spend less time trying to do what alphas do and more time thinking about how lucky any woman would be to be blessed with your seed.
Because of the savour of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee.
-Song of Solomon 1:3
Perhaps you’ll find this useful…
This is how I conceptualize a woman’s levels of sexual awareness, ranked from least to most difficult in terms of access and required skill.
Level 1: Horny
Description: Sex is on her mind. She is warmed up and ready to go. She’s down for anything you want to do. All she needs is an excuse.
Strategy: Make a bold move.
Level 2: Active
Description: She knows she enjoys having sex with you, and her sexual preferences are aligned with what you want to do, but she doesn’t feel like she wants it now. Overall, the bulk of a man’s efforts will be spent dealing with this level.
Strategy: Give her a fresh reason to think about sex. Examples include: sharing a sex study, explaining a naughty bit from the Song of Solomon, making a clever innuendo, etc.
Level 3: Anxious
Description: She knows that she wants to perform a particular sexual activity, but she feels unable to do it. She may doubt the idea is feasible or permissible. She may feel inadequate. She may not know what to do or how to get started.
Strategy: Prove that the activity in question is both ethical and is commonly practiced by other couples. Show her that all she has to do is trust and follow your guidance.
Level 4: Frustrated
Description: She is aware of the problem(s) that could be resolved by your desired idea. But she doesn’t yet know the solution. For instance, she might be aware that your sex life has gotten stale and needs more variety. Or she might feel the need to be “closer” to you.
Strategy: Tell her you want to talk about the problem or have found a solution to the problem. Dramatize the problem (i.e. share a story) so she is aware of just how serious the problem is. Then present your idea as the inevitable solution.
Level 5: Ignorant
Description: She is not even aware of what she is missing or won’t honestly admit that she desires it. To broach the topic directly would be offensive or threatening.
Strategy: Frame her current situation in such a way that she feels like she’s missing out. Indirectly bring attention to what she lacks. Playfully tease her about secretly wanting certain “naughty” things.
Level 6: Repulsed
Description: She is consciously opposed to the idea you’d like to propose. Even mentioning the topic in a serious manner could cause her to hurl all kinds of accusations at you or feel like the relationship is in jeopardy.
Strategy: Expose her to stories, art and experiences that re-frame the desired activity in a positive way. The trick is you have to make these exposures indirectly. You don’t want to trip her defense system. So you need to place these exposures in a larger context (ideally something about exploring her needs and desires) so they feel “incidental” rather than loaded with an agenda. For example, if you want her to get into oral sex, don’t just read her the Song of Solomon passages about oral sex. Go through the entire book as a broader study of biblical sexuality so that it’s not threatening.
The effectiveness of your sexual strategy depends on her state. Match your approach to her awareness level and you might be surprised how well things “click.”
Logic and propositions, a happy woman doth not make.
The most direct way to a woman’s heart is through emotions. This is why, if you pay attention, you’ll learn more about influencing a woman through song lyrics than anything you’ll read online.
And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again
The only thing I’ll ever ask of you
You’ve got to promise not to stop when I say when
-Foo Fighters, “Everlong”
There’s a reason that chicks dig singer-songwriters. They get it.
Keep it vague. Speak of good feelings that were lost that she longs to recover again. The less facts and thinking involved, the better.
It’s an unspoken fantasy of every man to be married to an insatiable sex kitten.
The p0rn world understands this. The church does not.
Today, I’m seeking to remedy that problem. I’ve put together what is, to my knowledge, the only comprehensive plan available to Christian men on how to get from “Point A” (disappointing sex life) to “Point B” (a sex life so good that pornography will seem boring.)
Granted, this is a plan, not a guaranteed formula. You’ll have to do some experimenting and adjustments on your own.
I’ve yet to master the process myself. But I can say that it’s based on solid principles that have been proven throughout history. And, to the limited extent that I’ve applied each of the techniques, it has certainly helped to activate my wife’s sexual desire. I dare say they will do the same for you.
Aside from tuning in to my random musings, this resource will be the primary reason for this site’s existence. I intend to update it often and make it increasingly more useful, so check back frequently. You’ll find the link below. I’ve also added a permanent link to the menu on the home page.
The Ultimate Guide to Wife Seduction
WARNING: The following test, when properly applied, will feel like a slap in the face. But it’s for your own good.
Robert Greene’s Art of Seduction is a well-respected manual in the seduction community. People love to talk about the different seducer types and which type fits their style.
But the most important chapter in the book is seldom discussed. It’s a short chapter titled “The Anti-Seducer.” Funny how nobody claims that type for themselves.
But the anti-seducer is the most important topic of seduction to study. It won’t matter how much “game” you learn if all your skill is masked by the odious stench of anti-seduction.
On the other hand, if you eradicate your anti-seductive qualities, even a nominal improvement in your game will likely get you laid on a regular basis. If you eliminate your chances of losing, just trying anything will eventually lead you to victory.
To make the information more useful, I’ve put it together a short self-assessment that you can review and reflect upon. Expect to find at least one, and even several or more, of these anti-seductive traits lurking in your character. I know I did.
And be honest with yourself. It’s your own sex life on the line here. Nobody else cares if you “aced” the test.
The Tell: You feel like the seduction process is too long. You get upset when your wife denies you sex.
Why It Turns Her Off: Impatience makes her feel pressured to “do the deed” without evidence that you have considered her needs. It also signifies a sensitive ego, which is a turn off. Sometimes alpha males can pull this strategy off in the dating world, but it’s ineffective for a long-term relationship.
The Remedy: Accept and embrace the long-term process of seduction. Control your response to her rejections; don’t take it personally. Refrain from jerking off every time you get a boner.
The Tell: You automatically praise your wife’s beauty, even when she has not made any effort to please you. You may also find yourself frequently affirming her opinion and rarely able to disagree with her.
Why It Turns Her Off: While she may initially appreciate the ego boost, eventually she grows to mistrust your praise. She loses motivation to improve herself and thus feels bad about herself. Meanwhile, your barrage of unwarranted praise simply comes across as neediness.
The Remedy: Withhold your praise until she has made an effort to please you. For example, don’t tell her she’s beautiful or sexy until she’s dressed up, working out, or performing a desirable activity in the bedroom.
The Tell: You find yourself constantly worrying whether you (or others) are committing sexual sins.
Why It Turns Her Off: Sex is supposed to be a fun game. Preoccupation with sexual sin indicates a restrictive view of sex, a desire to control others, and an inability to take pleasure in life.
The Remedy: Get clear once-and-for all where the hard limits are. Get precise definitions to sexual sins so you are no longer a victim of ambiguous guilt. Commit yourself to not crossing those sensible boundaries and start having fun!
The Tell: You frequently find yourself saying things are “too expensive.”
Why It Turns Her Off: Cheapness signals a constricted character. You have a hard time letting go or taking a risk. It signals a lack of generosity. This is the most anti-seductive trait of all.
The Remedy: Instead of saying “I can’t afford it” or “It’s too expensive”, ask yourself “does this expense serve a good purpose?” and “how can I afford it?” Also, try giving more freely of your money even if you don’t feel the purchase is entirely necessary.
(Reversal: Don’t give too much, as if you’re attempting to “buy” her affections.)
The Tell: You find yourself frequently missing sexual opportunities due to not acting quickly or boldly enough. Or you frequently find yourself “ruining the mood” in the heat of the act due to fumbling around.
Why It Turns Her Off: Sexual desire is all about timing. Awkward execution indicates a lack of confidence. Your self-consciousness becomes contagious and so she becomes self-conscious as well.
The Remedy: Perhaps the most difficult to remedy, but definitely possible. Simplify your approach to leave less room for error. Increase your testosterone. Read The Inner Game of Tennis (a book about eliminating performance anxiety). Continue to read pro-masculinity blogs until you find yourself acting more assertively.
The Tell: You find yourself talking during sex or foreplay and notice that your words are not enhancing the mood.
Why It Turns Her Off: While words have a place in seduction, sex is primarily physical. Too much talk breaks the spell.
The Remedy: Basically, just shut the f*** up. Practice saying less than you think necessary. Be mindful to avoid “D.E.E.R.” responses (defend, excuse, explain, rationalize.)
The Tell: You catch yourself whining or complaining. You have a hard time laughing at yourself. You get offended when someone makes a joke at your expense.
Why It Turns Her Off: Basically, you are reacting to things like a woman. You are far too sensitive. You are offering her nothing that she can’t experience with her girlfriends.
The Remedy: Make jokes about your weaknesses. Instead of complaining when something bad happens, ignore it or laugh it off.
The Tell: Your wife has recently complained about your hygiene or personal appearance. Or she has recently complained about you saying inappropriate things in public.
Why It Turns Her Off: Seduction requires attentiveness to details. Not paying attention to your personal appearance or good taste indicates you are selfish and have an inability to see yourself as others see you.
The Remedy: Pay attention! Learn proper hygiene, put some thought into your clothing, take care of any socially offensive problems.
(NOTE: This is the anti-seductive trait I’ve had to work on most. It’s common among intellectual types. And since blogs tend to attract intellectual types, I recommend giving this one a second consideration.)
Along with low testosterone, anti-seductive traits create the worst conditions for having a good sex life. Eliminating these traits should be a top priority.
Eliminating these qualities will help improve all aspects of your life. But thinking of them as a roadblock to sex might give you that extra boost of motivation you need to finally do something about it.
In yesterday’s post, I presented a simple “equation” for identifying if your wife is ready for a radical change in her life:
Turbulent Personality + Undesirable Situation = Ready for Radical Change
Women are typically turbulent. Meaning, rather than being satisfied with her life or taking a steady improvement approach, she is likely deeply unsatisfied with herself. She wants to improve, but not gradually.
She wants immediate and even radical change.
As a husband, this desire for change could work out to your advantage: moving to a better location, introducing a new lifestyle, introducing something new in the bedroom, etc.
Or, it could work out to your detriment: a new “health” craze, a new career outside the home, going back to school for some useless degree, or, in extreme cases, even having an affair.
It’s all about timing.
When the opportunity is right, a turbulent personality will be ready to swing in whatever direction you (or someone else) provides a vision for.
In Eric Hoffer’s perennial seller, The True Believer, he describes the various “undesirable” situations that make someone a potential convert to a new cause. I’ve selected the most relevant ones and adapted them to a marriage context below.
Once, when I was laid off from my job. I was surprised when my wife, almost immediately upon hearing the news, suggested that we pack up and move to another state with a better job market.
Normally it’s women who have the most emotional investment in a particular location with their relationships and getting used to the culture and all that. But compared against the pain of being newly poor, she was ready to throw it all away for a new opportunity.
A sudden economic change for the worse is a prime time to move to a new location, start a new career, or any other change that has any hope of improving your economic condition. This is the “grass is greener on the other side” kind of opportunity.
Note: This is a limited window opportunity. Once someone gets used to being poor, it’s no longer an urgent problem.
There’s an old saying, “you don’t know what you got until it’s gone.”
Suddenly, all kinds of desires that lay dormant become aroused when an ability is suddenly taken away (or threatened to be lost). The man who loses his legs desires to run. The one who is losing hearing suddenly craves music. The terminally ill suddenly wants to live life on the edge.
Obviously, you would never wish this to happen to anyone, and especially your wife. Nevertheless, handicaps can create a burning desire for what one supposedly “can’t have.” If you can find a way to let her experience what all the doctors, cynics, and “sensible” people say is impossible… you’ll have a devoted convert.
The unfulfilled desire for creative work is the most permanent undesirable condition.
The nice thing about creativity is it ties in well to sexuality. Currently, I’m reading The Genius Famine with my wife. It’s a well-researched manifesto about the decline of creative intelligence in Western culture. Since intelligence and the creative personality is (mostly) genetic, it makes sense that creative people should get busy breeding and create a home environment conducive to creativity. Plus, I’m sure I can dig up some studies about how sex enhances creativity and other such interesting things.
The unfulfilled creative woman desperately wants to escape the hum-drum busyness of ordinary life and pursue her dream of doing creative work. If she believes you can make that lifestyle a reality, she’ll be up for whatever it takes to get there.
The Unusually Selfish
All of us are selfish to an extent. But women often become so selfish that it becomes too much of a burden to bear.
The more selfish she is, the more severe her disappointments will be. Disappointments add up to self-loathing and losing faith in her own ability.
What a woman in this situation craves is therapy. She believes something is wrong with her and she wants help with all the problems in her head.
But rather than go to a traditional therapist, why not do “sex therapy”?
In simple terms, sex therapy means that you figure out what she needs and tell her while she’s going down on you or while you’re aggressively providing her “conjugal rights.” For example, “you like to feel sexy, don’t you?… You need a strong hand to guide you, don’t you?… I know what women need when they get depressed… You need a new focus in your life.” etc.
The Opportunity Seeker
Opportunity seekers feel burdened by the fact that they are surrounded by opportunities but have failed to take advantage of any of them.
These people are the classic targets for “get-rich-quick” schemes. Unwilling to accept the hum-drum life of the status quo, these people will passionately throw themselves into the next “big thing.”
While being an opportunity seeker is not a healthy way to live, being a disciplined entrepreneur can be a rewarding lifestyle. If you can show her that you share her abundance mentality, you can provide her with the discipline she needs… perhaps even positioning yourself as her “coach” (a dominant-submissive relationship ripe for erotic play.)
Probably the most common undesirable situation. If your wife spends all day on social media and indicates in some way that she feels her life is “meaningless”… you have a bored wife on your hands.
Many women will intentionally create drama when they’re bored. Perhaps she’ll start a fight with you. Perhaps she’ll gossip about other people’s problems. Perhaps she’ll complain about her various emotional and mental problems.
What bored women want is simple: entertainment.
Essentially, you need to become her Facebook timeline. Her mind is a blank slate longing to be filled with interesting information. Might as well make that information serve your purpose.
Is there some news story you can show her that can lead to an important discussion? An interesting documentary to watch together? Or perhaps something intriguing (and erotic) you can purchase to make her wonder what you’re up to?
As long it’s interesting and not too crazy, you can introduce her to just about anything at this time.
I’m going to tell you an unusual story about entrepreneurs… but I promise it will tie into women and sex, so bear with me.
During my professional career, I had the privilege of spending a year or so working directly for one of America’s top entrepreneur coaches. I got to sit in on several of his high end “mastermind” groups and I have personally spoken with dozens, if not hundreds, of successful entrepreneurs… some of whom owned 7-figure businesses.
Initially, I thought it would feel intimidating being surrounded by so many successful people.
But I was surprised to find that, with few exceptions, these people were riddled with self-doubt and a “still-not-good-enough” attitude.
Even my boss, who could conjure up $50K+ with a single presentation, would feel depressed if he felt he botched the pitch or didn’t reach his (arbitrary) sales goal.
My boss was a leader, not to a group of fearless business tycoons, but to a group of creative misfits and opportunity seekers with inferiority complexes. In other words, owners of successful businesses.
Witnessing this was a paradigm-shifting experience for me.
I had always assumed that the wealthiest people in society were the “alpha males.” And, to an extent, that’s true. Alpha males tend to go into sales or some kind of leadership position that allows them to leverage their confidence to earn an above-average salary.
But I’m talking about people who broke the salary barrier and made far more money than a person could spend on their own.
These people did not make money because of their confidence.
They made money because of their lack of confidence.
They had to prove to the world that they were good enough. They weren’t just a hopeless dreamer like their family and friends thought they were.
It wasn’t so much that they had a practical reason to make all that money. They were trying to escape an undesirable situation. They were misfits trying to escape condemnation.
This insecurity gave these people an insatiable appetite to “take things to the next level.” And to the next level they went… to six figures, seven figures, eight figures…
Ironically enough, it was this interaction with successful entrepreneurs that made me realize I would probably never build a multi-million dollar company. I had too much self-assurance to stay motivated.
So how does this relate to your sex life?
More than you might think.
It all comes down to understanding the turbulent personality type.
While your wife may not be an entrepreneurial type, she probably does have a turbulent personality to some degree (most women do.)
There’s a great description of the turbulent personality over at 16 Personalities:
Individuals with Turbulent (-T) identity are self-conscious and sensitive to stress. They experience a wide range of emotions and tend to be success-driven, perfectionistic and eager to improve. They are also more willing to change jobs if they feel stuck in their current one and to spend time thinking about the direction in which their life is going.
However, while the Assertive variant may seem more positive on the surface, that is not always the case – for instance, Turbulent individuals perform better in certain roles as they push themselves to achieve superior results, while Assertive ones do not care about the outcome that much. Always feeling the need to do more, to have more, and to be more, Turbulent types often forget how exhausting that can be to both themselves and the people around them – but it is entirely possible that this desire to always push themselves just a little further helps many Turbulent types to achieve what they seek to achieve.
Now, just append the phrase “in bed” to the key phrases in the above two paragraphs. Starting to see the connection?
If you have a turbulent woman on your hands, you have a woman who, under the right conditions, is ripe for a transformation.
All she needs is a vision.
Tragically, the Church has largely neglected or even condemned the utility of psychology in helping people change. Thus the door has been left wide open to feminists and other worldly-wise charlatans who have no qualms about leveraging a woman’s insecurities for a greater purpose.
It would do a man good to ponder this equation:
Turbulent Personality + Undesirable Situation = Ready for Dramatic Change
Today’s post covered the turbulent personality. Tomorrow, I’ll cover the different types of undesirable situations and how they can be leveraged.
Perhaps the most remarkable red pill phenomenon I’ve witnessed in my life was the radical transformation of my mother after she and my step-dad divorced.
I grew up in various Pentecostal churches. While some were into the “end times” craze, my family never gave it much attention. My step-dad was always a “just the basics” kind of guy: saved by grace, show grace to others.
My mother, too, had always been more concerned with practical matters.
But all that changed after the divorce.
My mother met this guy who was a former undercover cop. He said during his career he had went deep into the inner layers of the Free Mason society and discovered many of their disturbing secrets.
The man believed he had a calling of God to be a prophet and preach the truth in the latter times when the “shit hit the fan.”
My mom went crazy for the guy. Married him months after the divorce. No ceremony. Just a quick trip to a judge.
The guy had a knack for coming up with novel ideas about a wide variety of topics and tying them in to biblical prophecy.
Every day, it was something new. A news story. A new insight from the Scripture. A new health discovery. Something novel every day.
Her new husband was her primary source of information and relief from boredom. Whatever he reported framed her worldview.
He claimed he could understand the “deeper meaning” behind the Greek Septuagint… so she accepted his interpretations as the authoritative Word of God.
He boldy claimed that the modern church was apostate… so she stopped listening to the preachers she used to listen to.
He showed her research on how pharmacy and food companies were poisoning us… so she denounced what she learned in college and her 20 years of experience as a nurse and adapted his philosophy.
Unlike my step-dad, who encouraged my mom to pursue whatever she wished, this guy kept a fairly tight reign on her, only allowing her to go out for pre-approved activities or meet with pre-approved people.
I don’t know much about their sex life, but my younger siblings overheard them one time and said all they could hear was a lot of “thumping.”
The guy also kept my mom busy. He had various health problems so she was always preparing him special food, running errands for him, doing chores on the mini-homestead.
Just a year or so into the marriage, my mom quit her high-paying government job so she could be home full-time with him.
Keep in mind, they have no children to take care of.
Nowadays, they spend their time bunkered down on their mini-homestead preparing for (his) vision of the end times.
I found the transformation remarkable because my mother was always stubbornly independent… even from her childhood. So to witness such a complete transformation in such a short period of time was remarkable.
Now, my point isn’t to judge the veracity of the guy’s claims. I just find it amazing that he was able to transform a woman so quickly.
It reminds me of something I read in Eric Hoffer’s True Believer, a book on the nature of mass movements:
It is a truism that many who join a rising revolutionary movement are attracted by the prospect of sudden and spectacular change in their conditions of life.
He then goes on to describe the difference between self-improvement and a mass movement:
The practical organization offers opportunities for self-advancement, and its appeal is mainly to self-interest. On the other hand, a mass movement, particularly in its active, revivalist phase, appeals not to those intent on bolstering and advancing a cherished self, but to those who crave to be rid of an unwanted self. A mass movement attracts and holds a following not because it can satisfy the desire for self-advancement, but because it can satisfy the passion for self-renunciation.
I’ve noticed that women rarely want to improve the current version of themselves. They want sudden change that allows them to get rid of a hated self.
Thus the appeal of feminism, fad diets, mysticism, and any other thing women go for.
But after observing my mother’s recent marriage, I realized that it is possible for a man to create a “mass movement” of his own within his own household. He only needs one convert: his wife.
It’s not entirely unlike creating a cult: you must draw her away from the world, cut off distracting influences, inspire her to be completely devoted to your cause… which of course should be the same as God’s cause.
I intend to study and experiment with this further and report my findings.
For now, pay attention to your wife’s actions and words:
Does she act out of self-assurance and a desire to improve herself?
Or does she reveal a self-loathing attitude and an aversion to improvement?
If the latter, she is ripe for a radical change… either one of your own devising or one devised by another man.
After many years of trying to understand women, I believe I’ve managed to distill what a woman wants down to just three simple words.
Why is a woman’s behavior so full of contradictions? For example…
- Date an alpha male and eventually get pregnant, knowing in advance that he’ll leave her to raise the child alone
- Become suddenly sexually aroused when other women are interested in her man, when she was repulsed by him earlier
- Try to change her husband, then get mad at him when he does change (and even leave him for a man like he first was)
Thanks to the red pill movement, we have the observations of thousands of men’s experiences with women. We’ve seen that certain patterns emerge and that women are more predictable than they’d like us to believe.
But if I may be so bold, I’d like to suggest that there is a single unifying theme that explains everything a woman does. It’s a single, subconcious but all-consuming desire:
Loss of control.
This explains everything about women. Or at least everything that I’m aware of.
- Fitness tests? She wants to see if you’re man enough to take control away from her.
- Comfort tests? She wants to know that you still have control (of her) and she won’t have to take it back
- 50 Shades of Gray? A highly dramatized tale of losing control
- Wild and rough sex? Basically like getting drunk
- A man with a plan? He who has the plan takes control over the clueless
- Working hard to earn approval? Whoever needs approval the most is under control of the one who gives it out
- Seeing other women interested in her man? She now longer has control over him… how arousing!
- Getting pregnant? She’s no longer an independent woman.
- etc. etc.
Drama, Pain, and Arousal
Now, I don’t think this “loss of control” observation is particularly novel. It’s just a summary of the findings of many years of PUA and red pill blogs.
But here’s where things get interesting…
Loss of control doesn’t happen instantaneously. And it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s a process that occurs in time and space.
In other words, it’s a story.
We know that women love stories. They love drama. And we know that every woman is the star of her own movie that’s playing in her head.
When you break it down, a story is simple. It contains three elements:*
- A desire (or goal)
- A character
- A conflict
That’s all you need to create a story. And women crave stories. Specifically, she craves a story (either real or imagined) where she is the “victim” who experiences a loss of control.
And how does this story of her losing control happen?
Well, there’s many ways it could happen, but there is one specific way that God prescribed for it to happen:
To the woman He said, “I will greatly increase your suffering and your childbearing; in pain shall you bear children. Yet your craving shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.“
-Genesis 3:16 (Tanach: The Stone Edition)
Outside of the Garden of Eden, a woman must experience pain to bring forth children. In fact, the central theme of a woman’s life is discomfort, either in bearing and raising children or in attracting a man to impregnate her.
Blackdragon wrote an excellent post detailing the many pains an ordinary woman must go through just to get through life. Here’s just a small sampling:
- Constantly worry about her weight. Multiply by 10 if she’s even a tiny bit overweight.
- Body image issues, oppressive religious upbringing, daddy issues, etc.
- Throwing up and other complications after getting pregnant (not to mention the unbearable pain of actually giving birth)
- Trying to lose baby fat after pregnancy… then it’s back to the above
- Constant guilt over wanting sex (“anti-slut defense”)
- Sleep deprivation due to needing 90 minutes to get ready in the morning
- As she approaches 30 she (appropriately) fears that she will never marry… or she realizes she’s stuck with a sexually repulsive man… or she worries her husband will lose interest in her
In other words, a woman’s life is a never ending flow of physical and emotion pain.
And all of this pain is either preparation for, or a result of having sex with a man. Not to mention that the sexual act itself involves at least some pain for the woman… for obvious mechanical reasons.
To put it bluntly, it is simply not sensible for a woman to have sex with a man. It only brings her pain.
And yet her body craves more than anything to be inseminated by an alpha male. This is the climax of her story. Him losing control of himself and unleashing his animal-like passion upon her body. And her, the helpless victim at the mercy of a man who is smarter and stronger than her in every way.
And therein lies the conflict. She knows she should resist and keep herself safe from pain. And yet she craves so badly to have a man wrestle that decision away from her.
And where there is conflict, there is emotion. And for a woman, emotion = arousal.
I believe the process of female arousal can be conceptualized like so (in this rather crude attempt at a table):
| ||Stage 1||Stage 2||Stage 3
|Theme||safety||(potential) pain or shame||loss of control
|Response||resistance to any change||arousal and confusion||climax and addiction
To illustrate, consider the following samples. If you’ve taken the red pill, you’ll intuitively know that these fantasies would arouse almost any woman:
(Warning: X-rated language follows)
Her church friends [safety] had no idea how much of a dirty slut she was [shame]. She knew it was wrong but she just couldn’t stop doing it. [loss of control/addiction.]
She tried to get her chores done [safety] but she couldn’t stay focused. She knew he would be mad when he got back from work. [shame]. When he returned home, he bent her over his knee and spanked her until she cried like a little girl [pain/loss of control]. Then he forced her to suck his cock to remind her who was in charge. [loss of control]
Her mother wanted her to pursue a career as a lawyer [safety]. But she secretly wanted nothing more than for her tight little body to get pounded and used by a dominant man. She wanted to carry his seed and get pregnant. [shame/pain]. She was so horny she could no longer focus on her studies. She spent all her free time reading impregnation fantasies online and masturbating. [loss of control]
The story can also be non-verbal and merely implied by the actions. For example…
Starting with “just the tip” [safety]. Then getting “rougher” [pain] until the bed starts violently rocking and creaking [loss of control].
Doing chores together [safety]. Then slapping her ass [pain] and pinning her against the wall and devouring her body [loss of control]
Giving her a massage [safety]. Then biting her ears [pain]. Then turning up the heat until you’re groaning like a animal in heat and she’s gasping for air [loss of control].
I believe it is through this arousal process that a woman’s pain is redeemed. It is what she craves more than anything else.
Too Long, Didn’t Read…
Here’s the big takeaway:
As Nice Guys, we’re conditioned to yield to a woman’s resistance. But we don’t realize that her resistance, and the potential pain that follows, is the key to her arousal.
Instead of backing down at resistance, that’s when the heat needs to be turned up. Tease her about how ashamed she’ll feel or how sore she’s going to be when she finally gives in to your will.
IF you, as a man, are strong enough (physically, emotionally, mentally) to take away her control…
Then she will become aroused by the thought of the potential pain she will experience as you pull her away from sensibility and safety into a complete loss of control.
(Read that last sentence a few times and ponder it. It’s weird. But, as best I can tell, it’s true.)
* Acknowledgement to Hollywood script consultant Michael Hauge for his insights into story structure. Though he should not be held responsible for my misogynistic applications of his ideas.
A married man asks how other Christian men feel about talking “dirty” with their wives.
Is it sinful? Does the Bible say anything about the issue?
I’ve always been a bit baffled why modern Christians are so sensitive about “inappropriate” topics. As best I can tell, this pious prudery comes from a sloppy exegesis of the following passage:
and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.
“filthiness” (aischrotés) means “baseness” or someone who lacks moral character.
“silly talk” (mórologia) literally means foolish (moronic) words.
“course jesting” (eutrapelia) means using wit to refer to sexual functions in a rude and irreverent way.
These concepts are contrasted with thankfulness. Does your language indicate that you have an intelligent appreciation for God’s good creation? Or do you come across as an immoral, stupid person who can only manage to crack cynical jokes about body parts?
But this is not to say “dirty” topics are off limits to Christians. It’s all about how you say it.
To illustrate, consider the following examples:
“Your mouth is a cum receptacle for me to masturbate into.”
The above statement indicates a lack of character. It shows no respect for the sexual needs of the woman. It’s supposed to be clever/funny but there’s no point to the joke. It reveals a godless worldview. The statement does nothing to praise the beauty and goodness of sex. In fact, it lowers the act to a meaningless level.
Contrast that with the following expression from Song of Solomon 4:11:
Your lips, my bride, drip honey; Honey and milk are under your tongue
Both expressions could be referring to the same act. But the latter expression is beautiful rather than base. Instead of using cleverness to lower a sexual act to nihilism, it elevates a physical act we might be tempted to think of as meaningless or gross to it’s proper place of beauty and goodness.
But it is “dirty” in the sense that it’s not something you would talk about in the presence of elderly ladies.
But in the proper context, Christians should feel free to invent and use all kinds of sexual metaphors… so long our language indicates that we have understanding and see sex as a good thing!
P.S. It’s also worth noting that the Bible never instructs us to be offended by “course jesting”… only that we are to avoid doing it ourselves.