I recently had an epiphany about a contradiction that has long troubled me:
How can a Christian man display confidence while “seeing others as better than ourselves” and avoiding vain conceit?
The passage in question is Philippians 2:3:
Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.
Upon examining the passage closely, I realized this is a frequently misunderstood verse. The context is about selfish rivalries and empty pride.
Think of a situation with two co-workers. One gets a promotion. The other does not. The one who didn’t get the promotion feels he was more deserving of the position instead of acknowledging that the other is more valuable to the company.
Or think of wealthy people vs. poor people. Many poor people feel they deserve the money of the wealthy. But they don’t acknowledge that wealthy people are more diligent than poor people.
Or think of a man who gets “oneitis.” He feels he would be a better lover than the man who won the girl over him. But his ego blinds him from learning from a superior man.
Or think of a wife who feels she would be a better leader than her husband. Yet she does not appreciate that men are uniquely designed to lead.
There will always be someone more gifted or higher ranked than us in some area. Even someone who is overall lower status than us will be better/more gifted in some area. Paul wants us to focus on and appreciate the strengths of others rather than assuming that we’re not getting what we deserve.
But this doesn’t mean a man can’t display his strengths or act like a superior to a woman. But we shouldn’t fool ourselves when comparing ourselves to other men. And we shouldn’t fail to acknowledge the gifts of our wives that we ourselves lack.
I never expected to find a prescription for Biblical marriage hidden in a genealogy, but nevertheless…
A mighty prince sees God then joins himself to an assembly [a wife], a glorious people [bride] whom he rescued, strangers in a strange land, captives delivered by God!
Yesterday, I claimed that the “sealed fountain” in Song of Solomon 4:12 is a reference to female ejaculation.
earl responded by pointing out that Proverbs 5 has similar language in reference to marriage vs. adultery. (The popular interpretation of Song 4:12 is that it’s a reference to female chastity.) This reminded me of something interesting I came across a while back…
Proverbs 5:16-17 has long been a difficult passage for translators. It’s typically rendered as something like:
Drink water from your own cistern,
And running water from your own well.
Should your fountains be dispersed abroad,
Streams of water in the streets?
Let them be only your own,
And not for strangers with you.
Let your fountain be blessed,
And rejoice with the wife of your youth.
But the Hebrew does not literally say that. (You can see for yourself here.)
It was changed into a rhetorical question by the translators because they couldn’t make sense of it as a straight statement. They assumed that a man’s “fountain” should NOT be dispersed.
But the Stone Edition of the Tanach, edited by Rabbi Nosson Scherman, renders the passage as follows:
Drink water from your own cistern and flowing water from your own well. [Then] your springs will spread outwards, streams of water in the thorough-fares. They will be yours alone, strangers not sharing them with you. Your source will be blessed, and you will rejoice with the wife of your youth.
While the conclusion remains the same (don’t sleep with an adulteress), the meaning behind the conclusion drastically changes.
Solomon is not simply saying adultery is bad. He’s saying it’s shameful for strangers to share your seed (e.g. your “springs”, your “source”). It is better to channel your springs into your own wife, so that you keep what is yours.
A man who is “fruitful” will visibly spread his seed (offspring) throughout the kingdom. But to produce bastard children would be a shame to your seed.
Your seed and your identity are bound together. You are only bringing shame to yourself by planting it in foreign fields.
Same conclusion. Different meaning.
NOTE: This is an article I wrote about 8 months ago but forgot to publish. Other than a couple minor edits, I left it unaltered. I may visit this topic more in the future if I detect a need.
This article is intended to give husbands a new perspective on how they might help their wives heal from past sexual abuse.
I discovered this by accident (or by providence) one day while discussing Proverbs 5:19 with my wife. Surprisingly, I’ve never heard anything like this from any sexual abuse “specialists” (Christian or secular).
After five years of struggling to find a solution for my wife through counseling and therapy books, a spontaneous 20 minute conversation immediately flipped a switch of such powerful healing that I was baffled why it took me so long to find it. It certainly didn’t solve every practical problem at once, but it was a fundamental breakthrough unlike anything I had seen before. In retrospect, it seems obvious. But if you don’t know what to look for, it remains hidden.
In order to avoid revealing anything to personal and hopefully make the point more obvious, I’m going to explain what I discovered through an analogy that men might find more relatable.
Pretend that you’re living in an alternate world. This world is almost exactly like our own world except for one thing: Whenever men get together, a common conversation theme is how “repulsive” it is when women wear revealing clothing. But other than that one difference, everything else is the same. You still have the same biology and women still act and dress the same.
As a “sexually awakened” teenage boy in this alternate world, you begin to wonder if something is wrong with you. Based on the conversations you hear, you conclude that it is wrong to be aroused by seeing a woman’s cleavage or the curves of her body. After all, it is “disgusting.” You hear that “sex is good”… it’s just women’s body parts that are gross.
But you can’t help feeling the way you do. You get aroused by women’s body parts. What is wrong with you?
When you become a young adult you decide to marry. After all, marriage is good. It’s the only way your sexuality can be purified.
Unfortunately, your problems don’t go away. You are unable to become aroused enough to “do the deed.” It seems that the only way you can be turned on is when you see your wife’s body parts. But you know that is wrong. That’s part of your of your corrupted sexuality that needs to be put away. So you stuff it down and don’t give yourself any opportunity to act on it.
You begin to despair. Why is sex so difficult? What caused you to be this way?
After doing some research, you think you’ve found the answer. You were sexually abused. You’ve tried to repress the memory but it’s coming back to you now…
When you were a 12 years old, your aunt touched your penis. Actually, it was more than just a touch. You were confused. It awakened a thrilling sensation inside of you that you didn’t know your body was capable of. And yet, you knew it was wrong. Your brain couldn’t make sense of the experience. So you buried it.
But now you read that it’s common for boys who’ve been abused to have similar fantasies about women that you are having.
That must be it! You’re a victim. It’s not your fault.
Now if you can only heal from this past experience, you’ll be made a whole again… and all those gross fantasies you’ve been having about women’s bodies will go away.
The Hidden War on Women
I hope you can see the absurdity of this story. The boy was perfectly normal. His biology was simply functioning as it was created to. Even when his aunt inappropriately touched him, the excitement he felt was a natural response. And it certainly wasn’t this inappropriate touching that triggered his fantasies.
As absurd as the story may seem, this is exactly the sort of thing our society does to women. The only difference is women have a different sort of fantasy.
It’s well documented that “rape fantasies” are one of the most popular sexual fantasies among women. And yet our culture spends a disproportionate amount of time talking about how wrong it is for a man to “have his way” with a woman. A woman is not a “sex object” we say.
On the surface, this “anti-rape” hysteria seems to be an attack on men. But I’ve now come to believe it is primarily a subtle attack on women.
Imagine a woman growing up in such a culture while secretly having such sexual fantasies. She’s practically forced to respond in at least one of three ways:
- Accept that she’s broken beyond repair for some unknown reason
- Speak out against rape in attempt to signal to others and herself that she is “normal” (The SJW)
- Find some other person or event to blame for these “dirty” fantasies she has (The Victim)
Even when we try to help sexual abuse victims, in our naivity, we often do more harm than good. For what do we tell them? “What he did to you was wrong. You are NOT a sex object. You are a wonderful person.”
Yet the real message she receives is “Rape is bad. You’re a disgusting person for fantasizing about being a man’s sexual object. People think that you’re a good person so don’t let them know about these gross fantasies you’re having.”
But is this what the Scripture teaches?
Beastly Passion in the Bible
Consider Proverbs 5:19:
Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe;
let her breasts satisfy thee at all times;
and be thou ravished always with her love.
The scripture compares sexuality to an animal. Most modern translations hide the animal-like passion by saying a “graceful” doe… implying that the woman is to be elegant like some sort of fancy ball from a Jane Austin novel. But the Hebrew word used is chen which literally means to “find favor in the eyes of someone” (e.g. a sexually charged man.)
Dalrock described it well when he said the proverb is “exhorting husbands to approach their wives with the same kind of passion a rutting buck has for a doe.”
“Ravished” is translated from shagah. This is the same word used to describe someone who sins or strays from the right path without knowledge. The idea is that the wife is so irresistible to her husband that the husband literally loses control of himself without even realizing what he is doing, acting purely on instinct like the “rutting buck.”
“Always” is translated from tamiyd. This word is used to describe something that is constantly available. The same word is used to describe the “bread of the Presence” that the Lord commanded Israel to set before him in the tabernacle at all times. The idea is that the woman is available at anytime for her husband to ravish.
When this proverb is explained, it sounds an awful lot like a woman’s “rape fantasy.” It’s closer to a trashy erotic novel than the gentle “relationship-centered” sex found in marriage advice books.
Furthermore, it seems that the key to igniting this sexual passion is less about the man developing seduction skills and more about the woman embracing her fantasy for unbridled, almost rape-like sex.
If this is the case, the man is not responsible for getting his wife “in the mood.” Rather, he is to take responsibility for his wife’s well being by confronting her and showing her from the Scriptures that she has been deceived and needs to embrace her God-given sexuality…even if society says it’s wrong.
The Path to Healing
Yes, rape and sexual abuse is wrong. But not in the way our society tells us. It is not wrong because of the act itself. It is wrong because of the context. When it is done outside of a marriage, it is harmful.
But within the context of a marriage, there is no such thing as rape. As far as I can tell, God only gave us two rules to govern sexual passion:
- Don’t have sex with anyone who’s not your spouse
- Don’t do anything that might put your spouse in the hospital (as a general courtesy)
A woman’s “rape fantasies” are not unscriptural. In fact, they may be closer to the biblical model than anything else. A woman who’s been victimized through sexual abuse (and anti-rape propaganda) will not be healed until she recognizes and embraces her God-given sexual passion.
So if nothing else is working, try this path:
- Show your wife that it’s not demeaning to be a “sex object” (Proverbs 5:19)
- Teach her that there’s nothing wrong with having “rape fantasies”, and even to embrace them within the context of a marriage
- Teach her that what was done to her in the past was wrong, but there’s nothing wrong with her… her supposed “damaged” sexuality is a myth
- Teach her that even if she’s not a “Perfect 10”, that you are still turned on by her body. After all, you married her because you wanted to have sex with her!
- Teach her to take small steps to act out her sexuality towards you. This will drive out fear. (1 John 4:18)
- Remind her of the above truths whenever she falls into old habits and thoughts
In case you’re wondering why the Song of Songs is so difficult to understand, this might explain why:
…but as [the theological revisers] were unable to suppress the book, they endeavored to darken its real meaning, for dogmatic purposes, saying as Georg Hoffmann put it in his translation of the Book of Job, Let us save the attractive book for the Congregation, but we will pour some water into the author’s strong wine. Not satisfied with the obscuration of the original book, the theological revisers tried to cut up and dislocate the text as much as possible, destroying the original order and logical sequence, so that in the present form of the book there is no proper arrangement, no logical connection between the individual verses…
The above quote is from an research article titled “Difficult Passages in the Song of Songs.” It was published by Professor Paul Haupt, Ph.D. in a 1902 volume of the Journal of Biblical Literature.
There was a flourishing of scholarship during the late 1800s and early 1900s that attempted to decode the Song of Songs. But, tragically, those insights never reached the church. Then a couple of world wars and political upheavals seems to have diverted the attention of intellectuals to other matters.
Apparently, Dr. Haupt wasn’t the only one to recognize that something was screwy with the way the Song of Songs was arranged. A scholar named Professor Bickell, of Vienna, tried to show, in 1884, that the confusion was due to a bookbinder who misplaced the sheets of the manuscript. But Haupt claims the distortion was intentional.
In another article, Dr. Haupt attempts to put the Song of Songs together in what he judged to be the proper arrangement.
Normally, I would be instinctively opposed to any attempt to rearrange the received text. But I find at least two reasons Dr. Haupt’s thesis is plausible.
First, we have the Apostle Paul’s prophesy to consider:
But the Spirit explicitly says that in later times some will fall away from the faith, paying attention to deceitful spirits and doctrines of demons, by means of the hypocrisy of liars seared in their own conscience as with a branding iron, men who forbid marriage and advocate abstaining from foods which God has created to be gratefully shared in by those who believe and know the truth. (1 Tim 4:1-3)
The joys of marriage are primarily sexual. In order to convincingly forbid marriage, one must make sex seem undesirable for piety. But the Song of Songs, with it’s graphic and exuberant praise of the joys of sex, would stand directly in the way of that agenda. Thus it would be necessary to render the text indecipherable and offer an allegorical interpretation in its place.
Finally, Dr. Haupt’s rearrangement and translation simply makes more sense than the received text. For example, here’s a section he titles “The Bride Addressing the Bridegroom on the Morrow After Marriage”:
Behold thou art fair, my own darling,
aye, sweet; our bed will be green.
Of our home all the rafters are cedarn,
and (its walls) are all paneled with cypress.
As the apple amid trees of the forest,
so amid youths is my sweeting.
I delight to dwell under its shadow,
and sweet to my taste is its fruitage.
To the tavern where wine flows he brought me,
‘Love’ was the sign hanging out there.
He refreshed me with cates made of raisins
and with apples appeased all my cravings.
On his left arm my head was reclining,
while around me his right arm was clinging.
As long as the King stayed there feasting,
my spikenard its scent was exhaling:
My sachet of myrrh was my darling,
scenting my breasts with its perfume.
My darling was a cluster of henna
(blooming) in En-gedi’s gardens.
With kisses of thy mouth do thou kiss me,
for thy love than wine is far sweeter.
Thy name is thrice-clarified perfume;
and therefore all maidens do love thee.
Take me with thee! Come, let us hasten!
to thy chamber, O King, do thou lead me!
There let us rejoice and make merry,
and be drunken, not with wine, but with loving.
My darling is mine, and his am I,
who feeds on the dark purple lilies
Till the breeze (of the morning) arises,
and the shadows are taking their flight.
Do thou spring to the feast, O my darling, —
like a gazelle or a young hart be thou! —
(To the feast) on the mountains of myrrh,
(to the feast) on the hillocks of incense.
O maidens, lo, I beseech you,
by the gazelles and the hinds of the fields,
That ye not stir nor startle our loving
before our fill we have drunken.
Even if one is unfamiliar with the erotic euphemisms, the logical sequence makes it quite clear that something quite exciting is going on between a man and a woman.
If you’d like to delve into the topic deeper, check out Dr. Haupt’s article as well as his metrical translation.*
* It appears that Dr. Haupt has abbreviated the Song for the sake of rhythm. Hebrew is more concise than English and thus difficult to translate poetically. The complete text is clarified in the footnotes. There’s no introductory note about this so it took me a few takes to figure out.
Here’s some Bible passages you might find surprisingly arousing…
May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!
For your love is better than wine.
Wet, open mouth kissing. The bride would only know how he tasted if her tongue was involved! Also implies an ecstasy similar to being drunk on wine. Some commentators suggest other kinds of oral activity are involved as well.
To me, my darling, you are like
My mare among the chariots of Pharaoh.
Chariots were normally pulled by stallions, not mares. So to place a mare among the “chariots of Pharaoh” would excite the sexually eager stallion. Stallions were known for their sexual heat. According to Ezekiel, stallions were known for having large emissions… an obvious result of sexual excitement at the sight of a breed-worthy mare.
While the king was at his table,
My perfume gave forth its fragrance.
A reference to the ancient custom of women to perfume their sexual parts. As she becomes aroused, her body heat rises, sending forth the smell of perfume to signal her readiness.
The beams of our houses are cedars,
Our rafters, cypresses.
Outdoor sex. Women love the thrill of having sex in different locations.
I would give you spiced wine to drink from the juice of my pomegranates.
Pomegranates are filled with an abundance of seed and were known in ancient times as a symbol of fertility. Pomegranates also have a high content of estrogen. It’s worth noting that the etymologic definition of estrogen was “begetter of mad desire.”
Until the cool of the day when the shadows flee away,
Turn, my beloved, and be like a gazelle
Or a young stag on the mountains of Bether.
The “mountains of Bether” can also be translated as the “mountains of separation.” The fact that a woman’s sexual parts were perfumed makes the preceding reference to lilies more clear and clarifies the reference for this line. One only needs to take a brief glance at the female anatomy to identify where the “mountain of separation lies.” The man is invited to use his tongue (presumably) to playfully prance about her “mountains of separation” like a gazelle or young stag. Or, as the Moffatt translation puts it: “Play like a roe or a hart on my perfumed slopes.”
Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest,
So is my beloved among the young men.
In his shade I took great delight and sat down,
And his fruit was sweet to my taste.
A clever play on words. Her lover stands out from other men like an apple tree amidst the plain trees of the forest. And thus she desires to “sit in his shade” and taste his fruit. Her lover towers over her like a tree as she sits down (or kneels) and tastes his fruit. A man shouldn’t need need too much prompting to figure out where his “fruit” would come from (i.e. “be fruitful and multiply”) and how a woman would go about tasting that fruit. Also worth noting that his fruit was sweet to her taste. Making the effort to make your semen taste good is worthwhile.
thy breasts to clusters of grapes
A cluster of grapes hangs down, just as a woman’s breasts hang down when she is in a “ready position.” Additionally, grapes become increasingly round and elastic as they ripen, similar to a woman’s breasts when she becomes aroused. This is a setup for what happens next…
I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree,
I will take hold of its fruit stalks.
In the ancient near-east, female palm trees were fertilized with the flowers from male palm trees. In order to fertilize the female tree, one had to get some flowers from the male tree and then climb the female tree and tie some pollen-bearing flowers among the female flowers. Thus, to “climb the palm tree” means to fertilize it. (Even to this day, a similar practice is performed in growing dates.) The sight of the woman’s shape as well as her breasts hanging down like clusters of grapes signals that is time to “fertilize” her.
Come, my beloved,
Let us go forth to the field
In ancient usage, “plowing a field” was a natural metaphor for sexual intercourse. The back and forth motion opens up the ground in order to receive seed. In Eastern custom, a man was thought of as a “plough” and a woman as a “field.” In Latin, the word vomer can mean both “penis” and a “plow.” It is clear that there is a useful sexual metaphor we have lost over the years. The opportunity for erotic wordplay on this theme are endless. Take, for example, this ancient east erotic poem:
“As for me, my vulva,
For me, the piled high hillock,
Me, the maid, who will plow it for me?
My vulva, the watered ground — for me?
Me the Queen, who will station the ox there?”
“O Lordly Lady, the king will plow it for you,
Dumuzi, the king will plow it for you.”
“Plow my vulva, man of my heart!”
This is really just scratching the surface. But this is a good “teaser” to get you started.
Solomon’s writing style is to pack a lot of meaning into a small number of words. Rather than give detailed instructions, he gives you the clue so that those who are diligent can fully explore it’s implications.
From the Song of Solomon, we learn that being fruitful and multiplying is about much more than simply having kids. It is about unlocking a world of ecstasy.
Sources and Further Reading:
K.J. Aaron’s Sexuality in the Bible
New Life Community Church’s “Sexual Allusions and Symbols in the Song of Songs“
A married man asks how other Christian men feel about talking “dirty” with their wives.
Is it sinful? Does the Bible say anything about the issue?
I’ve always been a bit baffled why modern Christians are so sensitive about “inappropriate” topics. As best I can tell, this pious prudery comes from a sloppy exegesis of the following passage:
and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.
“filthiness” (aischrotés) means “baseness” or someone who lacks moral character.
“silly talk” (mórologia) literally means foolish (moronic) words.
“course jesting” (eutrapelia) means using wit to refer to sexual functions in a rude and irreverent way.
These concepts are contrasted with thankfulness. Does your language indicate that you have an intelligent appreciation for God’s good creation? Or do you come across as an immoral, stupid person who can only manage to crack cynical jokes about body parts?
But this is not to say “dirty” topics are off limits to Christians. It’s all about how you say it.
To illustrate, consider the following examples:
“Your mouth is a cum receptacle for me to masturbate into.”
The above statement indicates a lack of character. It shows no respect for the sexual needs of the woman. It’s supposed to be clever/funny but there’s no point to the joke. It reveals a godless worldview. The statement does nothing to praise the beauty and goodness of sex. In fact, it lowers the act to a meaningless level.
Contrast that with the following expression from Song of Solomon 4:11:
Your lips, my bride, drip honey; Honey and milk are under your tongue
Both expressions could be referring to the same act. But the latter expression is beautiful rather than base. Instead of using cleverness to lower a sexual act to nihilism, it elevates a physical act we might be tempted to think of as meaningless or gross to it’s proper place of beauty and goodness.
But it is “dirty” in the sense that it’s not something you would talk about in the presence of elderly ladies.
But in the proper context, Christians should feel free to invent and use all kinds of sexual metaphors… so long our language indicates that we have understanding and see sex as a good thing!
P.S. It’s also worth noting that the Bible never instructs us to be offended by “course jesting”… only that we are to avoid doing it ourselves.
I will be taking a brief hiatus from writing as I visit family in California for the Holidays.
Lord willing… and assuming and I don’t get mauled by social justice warriors… I’ll get back in full swing after the New Year.
In the meantime, enjoy this gem of resource I found on deciphering some of the naughty euphemisms in the Song of Solomon:
Christian guys often worry about wanting sex too frequently.
“Am I normal?”
“How much is too much?”
“Am I being selfish by wanting so much sex?”
But if we’re going to take God’s word seriously, we’d have to conclude that God promotes the very “sex addiction” that Pastors and marriage counselors seem so quick to warn against.
Consider Proverbs 5:19… the penultimate passage on married sexuality:
As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love.
Two key words here:
The word translated as “exhilarated” is shagah, which means to “go astray.”
Shagah is typically used in the context of being drunk or committing a sin out of ignorance. Picture a man who is so blind or intoxicated that he is not even aware of what he’s doing. He is veering off the path of reason into blind passion.
Now that’s interesting enough, but here’s the twist:
God doesn’t advise us to simply be shagah once in awhile… he wants us to be in this state of blind passion for our wife’s body always. The word translated “always” is tamid. It literally means “going on without interruption”, “of uninterrupted continuity.”
To put it another way:
The modern Christian marriage is the exact inverse of God’s design.
Most marriages are drudgery interrupted by occasional sexual passion.
But the proper marriage is continuous blind sexual passion occasionally interrupted by the necessary duties of life.
This is the only way I can make sense of the Apostle Paul’s commandment in 1 Corinthians 7:5:
Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.*
Apparently, the Apostle Paul expected a healthy marriage to be so sexually charged that they wouldn’t have much time to pray.
But there may come a time when it would make sense to stop engaging in perpetual foreplay. Perhaps you’ll need a few days to focus on prayer and studying Scripture without being distracted by a constant bulge in your pants.
But this is only if both husband and wife agree. And it should only be for a short while.
This also explains why both Paul and Jesus encouraged celibacy for those who were able. A married men is too busy messing around with his wife to have time for any outside enterprise for God’s Kingdom.
Marriage is designed to give normal men and women what they want most.
What do men want? To have a lot of sex.
What do women want? To feel sexy and get attention.
The Proverbs 5:19 lifestyle satisfies both needs.
It’s almost as if God knew what he doing.
* “Self-control” in 1 Cor 7:5 is sometimes translated as “incontinence.” It wouldn’t necessarily have the negative association we might read into it. It can simply mean that one has sexual appetites he cannot refrain from… which is part of God’s good design. Paul refers to singleness and marriage as different gifts, with singleness being preferable if one is so inclined.
Desiring God delivers another fine specimen of effective anti-male propaganda:
“It is unkind to pressure your spouse for oral sex when he or she finds it unpleasant. Outdo each other in kindness.”
I almost find it admirable how clever these guilt-inducing statements are. It should be rather fun to dissect it.
First off, we have to realize who this message is addressed to.
Ask yourself this question:
How many married men in your local church do you know who is a true alpha male?
Can’t think of any?
Yeah, me neither.
Despite the stereotype of the high-testosterone domineering Christian husband, you’ll rarely find one.
What you’ll find instead is a multitude of “nice guys.” Men who have been trained since youth to seek the approval of women.
If you’ve ever read No More Mr. Nice Guy, you know that “nice guys” constantly worry about not being seen as “selfish.” So framing oral sex as selfish appeals perfectly to the Nice Guy’s insecurities.
Furthermore, the last thing a Nice Guy wants to do is “pressure” anybody to do anything. There’s an entire industry of training programs designed to help nice guys sell without using “sales pressure” and get dates without having to “be a jerk.” *
Nice Guys never want to rock the boat and live for the approval of others. A Nice Guy will have no trouble believing it’s selfish to “pressure” a woman into doing a sexual act.
DG then covers their tracks by adding the “he or she” statement. Always exaggerate the exceptions to make the problem appear egalitarian.
Finally, DG once again displays a complete ignorance of female sexuality.
According to a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, over 70% of women fantasize about performing oral sex on a man.
Furthermore, a woman can be sexually aroused by almost anything. If something is acceptable to her culture and/or if an alpha male is directing her, a woman will be down with just about anything. (This is probably why so much ancient wisdom warns husbands to keep a close watch over their wives.)
But this sexual “fluidity” is also good news for husbands. Just because she won’t do something today, doesn’t mean she won’t be thrilled to do it under the right conditions.
As far as I can tell, there are four reasons a wife would not want to perform oral:
- Stinky crotch or foul-tasting semen (due to poor hygiene or bad diet)
- No emotional meaning given to the act (she sees it just as something gross they do in porn)
- She associates it with “sin” due to her religious background or past sexual experiences
- Her man has not yet successfully passed her “shit tests” and thus she is not ready to submit to him sexually
Finally, DG closes with a classic use of pseudo-Scripture. “Outdo each other in kindness” sounds like something that would come from the Bible, but it’s not. The correct text is:
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;
The Greek word translated into honor is time, which means “what has value in the eyes of the beholder.”
“Kindness” could be an acceptable word if you truly are thinking about what the other person needs and values.
But when a Nice Guy hears “kindness”, he doesn’t think “what does a woman need sexually?” Instead, he thinks “I work so hard and help out around the house. Why won’t she return the favor?!”
If you truly want to honor your wife, you’ll work on developing the masculine attributes that she needs. For most of us, that means being more dominant.
Increase your dominance, and giving you head becomes her pleasure… not something you have to “pressure” her to do.
* The alternative to “no pressure” is not “high pressure” (which is needy) but rather declaring what you want and being outcome independent.