The way I see it, a woman is always in one of three states.
The “good girl” state means she’s being pleasant, feminine, and even flirtatious. This is the “loving doe” state that every man desires of his woman.
The “bad girl” state means she is being defiant. She is not submitting to your headship and is generally making life difficult.
The “sad girl” state means she has the “bad feelz.” She is hung up on some detail that causes her to forget how good her life really is. If not handled properly, a “sad girl” can often turn into a “bad girl.”
What a lot of guys don’t realize is that sex is always the proper resolution to any state a woman is in. If a man can master each of these frames, he will master his woman.
Below, I’ve given a basic outline of each type of sex in the form of three dialogues, one for each state. For clarity, I’ve stripped out all the nuances. It’s written as if the man and woman simply spoke in logical propositions. In addition to being kinda humorous, I hope it will make the escalation process clear.
Good Girl Sex
You: “See how much better I am than other guys? You want to nurture my seed, don’t you?”
Her: “Yes I do. Let me do something sexy to win your attention.”
You: “That’s a good girl. Let’s talk about sex.”
Her: “Yes. I like this. Kiss me.”
You: “Now it is time for action. You will assume a submissive position of my choosing.”
Her: “Yes, sir.”
You: “This is what you’re going to think about while I fuck you.”
Her: “Yes, sir.”
You: “Let me check your fluids and make sure you’re ready.”
Her: “I am ready.”
You: “I’m going to use your body entirely for my pleasure like an animal. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”
Her: “Yes, sir.”
You: “I’m losing control of myself now.”
Her: “Oh, yes!”
Repeat ad infinitum. Mask the obvious with clever variations. Use physical “force” when appropriate.
Bad Girl Sex
Her: “I’m being defiant and bossy for no apparent reason.”
You: “Is this the kind of person you want to be? I’m disappointed that you would treat your own husband this way. We can talk after you’ve changed your attitude.”
Her: “I’m sorry.”
You: “Show me.”
Her: “Yes, sir.”
You: “That’s a good girl. Now get on the bed. I need to teach you a lesson so you remember who’s in charge.”
Her: “Yes, sir.”
You: “This is what you needed, isn’t it? You gonna be a good girl for me now?”
Her: “Oh, yes!”
Sad Girl Sex
Her: “I’m sad for some silly reason.”
You: “I know. But you don’t need to worry because I love you. I’ll make sure you’re taken care of.”
Her: “OK… Your hands feel so good.”
You: “Yes. Just focus on happy things.”
Her: “I am happy. Kiss me.”
You: “You know that I love you, don’t you?”
You: “Now let me love all of you.”
Her: “Yes. Give me more… more… more…”
You: “My inner beast is coming out now.”
Her: “Oh, yes!”
If your encounters with your wife aren’t resolving as you wish them to, hopefully these little dialogues will reveal the sticking point. Start by simply being aware of which of the three states she is in throughout the day. Then imagine how it should resolve if you knew what to do.
After awareness, you can pinpoint the skills and tactics you need to bring her closer and closer to the proper resolution on a regular basis.
Let’s talk about a woman’s “self-esteem.”
You’ll hear all the time about how women struggle with body image, face unrealistic standards of beauty, are pressured to “sexualize” their body, etc. etc.
But there is a more intriguing aspect of a woman’s self-esteem that is rarely discussed.
A woman who thinks she deserves better is repulsive. But a woman who doubts her beauty is primed and ready for an erotic adventure.
Consider Song of Solomon 1:6:
Do not stare at me because I am swarthy,
For the sun has burned me.
My mother’s sons were angry with me;
They made me caretaker of the vineyards,
But I have not taken care of my own vineyard.
“Vineyard” is a metaphor for her body. This is a woman who knows she’s not as beautiful as she could be.
She has just met the man of her dreams and she doubts that she is beautiful enough to be desirable to him. She got so busy working for others that she neglected to put in the work needed to present her beauty as well as she could have.
She knows that the man she desires is desirable to other women:
Your name is like purified oil;
Therefore the maidens love you. (1:3)
“Will he find me pleasing?” she thinks. “He could choose from so many other women. I’m not nearly beautiful enough for a man like that. Oh, if only I had better prepared for this moment!”
It is this perceived mismatch of value that is the beginning of erotic tension.
It is a good thing if your wife expresses doubts about her body. It is at that moment of doubt that she is yearning to please you and earn your approval.
And just as you affirmed her beauty and sent her heart a-flutter when you asked for her hand in marriage, so you will reaffirm your approval of her when you take her into the bedroom… again…and again…and again…
The more attractive you are to women in general, the more your wife will doubt that she is pleasing enough for you. She will work hard to prove herself worthy of being your wife.
This is why you want to work on increasing your “sexual market value.” You want her to feel like she lucked out by the fact that you “settled” for her.
A woman who feels inferior and unworthy of her man’s approval is a woman who will dress sexy and yearn for frequent sex. She needs constant approval when she’s in the presence of a high quality man.
P.S. I’m putting the final touches on the SMV test for married men. I plan to have it up soon.
One of the most popular threads at Grace Centered’s Christian Men Sexual Topics forum is about oral sex.
A man says his wife is resenting him for asking for oral sex almost every day. She wants more romance in the marriage. She wants him to be more sensitive to her needs… not just sexual, but physical and emotional as well.
He said a few years ago, his wife asked him if he would like to receive oral every morning when he woke up. Of course he was thrilled with the idea.
But now she only gives him oral once every few weeks and they “make love” about once a month.
He tries to do a lot of extra favors for his wife like cooking, feeding the pets, washing the clothes, etc. He does all the driving and all the shopping. Because of all these favors, he feels like he should have a “right” to ask for oral sex and not have to beg for it.
But his wife continues to seem irritated that oral sex is the only form of sexual contact he asks for. She gets angry and says “that’s all you want, isn’t it?” or “I would give it to you if you DIDN’T ask for it.”
Both he and his wife are frustrated and trying to resolve the issue.
So what’s going on here?
The guy’s primary mistake is he’s approaching sex with a “tit for tat” attitude. He’s assuming that if he does favors for her, she’ll do favors for him.
This is a common mistake and one that I made myself for several years.
But you’ve got to realize that the favors you do for her around the house have nothing to do with sexual attraction. If anything, they could backfire on you if you do too many. She’ll begin to see you as her man-servant rather than as her sexual man.
Put it this way, if you’re wife doesn’t want to suck your cock, you’re not doing it right.
Never ask for sexual favors. This comes across as needy and is unattractive to women.
Instead, arouse her passions by triggering her sensual imagination. Then when she signals her readiness, give her a command.
Once you tap into that desire, all the other problems will go away.
A lot of Christian guys have a hard time accepting the fact that being nice does not translate into more sex… especially when being “sweet” served them so them well during the dating phase.
But if you think about it from her perspective, it makes sense. Let me explain with an analogy:
Imagine you just got hired for a new job.
It’s a fun place to work and the boss is really nice. Every day he tells you how great you are and how happy he is to have you there.
You’re happy to be there too. It sucked being unemployed for so long. This new job is a dream come true and an answer to prayers for you.
You enjoy the compliments too. It feels good to finally be acknowledged and appreciated. “I am a wonderful person” your ego whispers to yourself.
But after the novelty of the job wears off, you begin to get frustrated.
It seems that your boss is too easy to please. Are you really making progress at your job? Do his compliments really mean anything?
Any idea you propose is “great.” Any project you turn in is “fantastic.”
At first, this feedback made you feel good. But now you’re frustrated.
It’s impossible to know if you’re becoming better at your job. You begin to lose motivation. If everything you do is already so wonderful, there’s no reason to try to improve.
You start to slack off. But you’re still “doing great” according to your boss.
You secretly begin to resent your boss. You think he’s full of B.S. You lose respect for him. And you don’t want to work for someone you don’t respect.
Now imagine your relationship from your wife’s perspective.
Do you think she’s going to respect a man that never challenges her? Who only tells her how wonderful she is?
Women want to be challenged and grow just like men do. She knows she is lacking. She doesn’t want to be lied to.
It’s socially unacceptable for a woman to request a man to quit being so nice to her. But she craves a strong hand to guide her. This is the secret to unlocking her legs.
Let’s get something clear:
The power to have a happy marriage and blessed sex life comes from within the woman.
It doesn’t matter how much you “need” sex. It doesn’t matter how often you try to rationally explain to her why she needs to change her behavior.
All you need is the desires that God has already placed deep in her heart and loins.
Without a man to guide her, these desires have no direction. She does not know what she wants. Her inner life is a state of conflicting emotions and chaotic thoughts.
Your job is to bring her focus on these desires and give them a goal. You do not create anything new; you simply channel and direct what already exists.
You are the shepherd of her womanly yearnings.
With that said, the first step is to know what these desires are. Below is a summary of the 8 desires that every normal woman has. It’s a safe bet to assume that your wife is no different.
- Work hard to earn a man’s approval
- See social proof that her man is high quality
- Subordinate herself to a worthy man’s mission
- Yield her frame to a more powerful man
- Be kept in a perpetual state of intrigue and erotic tension
- Explore her sensual imagination
- A sexual man who makes known what he wants
- Sensual, passionate and “rough” sex
Ponder these desires. Know them intimately. They will serve you well.
Don’t be fooled by what you see on the surface. A woman’s beliefs and behavior will often contradict her true desires. She needs your help to bring them out.
NOTE: These 8 desires were adapted from the 16 Commandments of Poon.