After many years of trying to understand women, I believe I’ve managed to distill what a woman wants down to just three simple words.
Why is a woman’s behavior so full of contradictions? For example…
- Date an alpha male and eventually get pregnant, knowing in advance that he’ll leave her to raise the child alone
- Become suddenly sexually aroused when other women are interested in her man, when she was repulsed by him earlier
- Try to change her husband, then get mad at him when he does change (and even leave him for a man like he first was)
Thanks to the red pill movement, we have the observations of thousands of men’s experiences with women. We’ve seen that certain patterns emerge and that women are more predictable than they’d like us to believe.
But if I may be so bold, I’d like to suggest that there is a single unifying theme that explains everything a woman does. It’s a single, subconcious but all-consuming desire:
Loss of control.
This explains everything about women. Or at least everything that I’m aware of.
- Fitness tests? She wants to see if you’re man enough to take control away from her.
- Comfort tests? She wants to know that you still have control (of her) and she won’t have to take it back
- 50 Shades of Gray? A highly dramatized tale of losing control
- Wild and rough sex? Basically like getting drunk
- A man with a plan? He who has the plan takes control over the clueless
- Working hard to earn approval? Whoever needs approval the most is under control of the one who gives it out
- Seeing other women interested in her man? She now longer has control over him… how arousing!
- Getting pregnant? She’s no longer an independent woman.
- etc. etc.
Drama, Pain, and Arousal
Now, I don’t think this “loss of control” observation is particularly novel. It’s just a summary of the findings of many years of PUA and red pill blogs.
But here’s where things get interesting…
Loss of control doesn’t happen instantaneously. And it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s a process that occurs in time and space.
In other words, it’s a story.
We know that women love stories. They love drama. And we know that every woman is the star of her own movie that’s playing in her head.
When you break it down, a story is simple. It contains three elements:*
- A desire (or goal)
- A character
- A conflict
That’s all you need to create a story. And women crave stories. Specifically, she craves a story (either real or imagined) where she is the “victim” who experiences a loss of control.
And how does this story of her losing control happen?
Well, there’s many ways it could happen, but there is one specific way that God prescribed for it to happen:
To the woman He said, “I will greatly increase your suffering and your childbearing; in pain shall you bear children. Yet your craving shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.“
-Genesis 3:16 (Tanach: The Stone Edition)
Outside of the Garden of Eden, a woman must experience pain to bring forth children. In fact, the central theme of a woman’s life is discomfort, either in bearing and raising children or in attracting a man to impregnate her.
Blackdragon wrote an excellent post detailing the many pains an ordinary woman must go through just to get through life. Here’s just a small sampling:
- Constantly worry about her weight. Multiply by 10 if she’s even a tiny bit overweight.
- Body image issues, oppressive religious upbringing, daddy issues, etc.
- Throwing up and other complications after getting pregnant (not to mention the unbearable pain of actually giving birth)
- Trying to lose baby fat after pregnancy… then it’s back to the above
- Constant guilt over wanting sex (“anti-slut defense”)
- Sleep deprivation due to needing 90 minutes to get ready in the morning
- As she approaches 30 she (appropriately) fears that she will never marry… or she realizes she’s stuck with a sexually repulsive man… or she worries her husband will lose interest in her
In other words, a woman’s life is a never ending flow of physical and emotion pain.
And all of this pain is either preparation for, or a result of having sex with a man. Not to mention that the sexual act itself involves at least some pain for the woman… for obvious mechanical reasons.
To put it bluntly, it is simply not sensible for a woman to have sex with a man. It only brings her pain.
And yet her body craves more than anything to be inseminated by an alpha male. This is the climax of her story. Him losing control of himself and unleashing his animal-like passion upon her body. And her, the helpless victim at the mercy of a man who is smarter and stronger than her in every way.
And therein lies the conflict. She knows she should resist and keep herself safe from pain. And yet she craves so badly to have a man wrestle that decision away from her.
And where there is conflict, there is emotion. And for a woman, emotion = arousal.
I believe the process of female arousal can be conceptualized like so (in this rather crude attempt at a table):
| ||Stage 1||Stage 2||Stage 3
|Theme||safety||(potential) pain or shame||loss of control
|Response||resistance to any change||arousal and confusion||climax and addiction
To illustrate, consider the following samples. If you’ve taken the red pill, you’ll intuitively know that these fantasies would arouse almost any woman:
(Warning: X-rated language follows)
Her church friends [safety] had no idea how much of a dirty slut she was [shame]. She knew it was wrong but she just couldn’t stop doing it. [loss of control/addiction.]
She tried to get her chores done [safety] but she couldn’t stay focused. She knew he would be mad when he got back from work. [shame]. When he returned home, he bent her over his knee and spanked her until she cried like a little girl [pain/loss of control]. Then he forced her to suck his cock to remind her who was in charge. [loss of control]
Her mother wanted her to pursue a career as a lawyer [safety]. But she secretly wanted nothing more than for her tight little body to get pounded and used by a dominant man. She wanted to carry his seed and get pregnant. [shame/pain]. She was so horny she could no longer focus on her studies. She spent all her free time reading impregnation fantasies online and masturbating. [loss of control]
The story can also be non-verbal and merely implied by the actions. For example…
Starting with “just the tip” [safety]. Then getting “rougher” [pain] until the bed starts violently rocking and creaking [loss of control].
Doing chores together [safety]. Then slapping her ass [pain] and pinning her against the wall and devouring her body [loss of control]
Giving her a massage [safety]. Then biting her ears [pain]. Then turning up the heat until you’re groaning like a animal in heat and she’s gasping for air [loss of control].
I believe it is through this arousal process that a woman’s pain is redeemed. It is what she craves more than anything else.
Too Long, Didn’t Read…
Here’s the big takeaway:
As Nice Guys, we’re conditioned to yield to a woman’s resistance. But we don’t realize that her resistance, and the potential pain that follows, is the key to her arousal.
Instead of backing down at resistance, that’s when the heat needs to be turned up. Tease her about how ashamed she’ll feel or how sore she’s going to be when she finally gives in to your will.
IF you, as a man, are strong enough (physically, emotionally, mentally) to take away her control…
Then she will become aroused by the thought of the potential pain she will experience as you pull her away from sensibility and safety into a complete loss of control.
(Read that last sentence a few times and ponder it. It’s weird. But, as best I can tell, it’s true.)
* Acknowledgement to Hollywood script consultant Michael Hauge for his insights into story structure. Though he should not be held responsible for my misogynistic applications of his ideas.
Receiving a blowjob is probably the #1 secret desire of most married Christian guys today.
And wives will invent all kinds of excuses to avoid doing this act. But the true reason she is repulsed by the idea might be much simpler (and more embarrassing) than you think.
From the (highly recommended) Married Sex Man Primer by Athol Kay:
You have a body and that body can get a little stinky. That is a huge turn off to women…
Particularly the washing up needs to happen “down there” if you have any hope of getting blowjobs. You may think you smell just fine, but in the words of Fat Bastard, “Everybody loves their own aroma.” Her vagina doesn’t have a sense of smell, so as long as you don’t smell terrible all over, she can lie back and think about shoe sales for the two minutes it takes you to be done…
Her nose does have a sense of smell though and when it’s nuzzling into your crotch she’s going to get a heady whiff of whatever has been happening down there. Two-day-old underwear with urine stains aren’t going to cut it. If you’ve spent half the day getting hard over the busty chick in the cubicle next to you and there’s something approaching a pint of drying pre-cum swill in your pants, that’s going to smell bad. Women have sensitive noses, far more sensitive than those of men. Faced with smells as strong as these, she’s just going to uncontrollably gag as soon as something goes in her mouth. Wives hate that.
Even if the last person you had sex with was her, if that’s not cleansed off with soap and water and is just left au naturale, within 24 hours your cock is going to smell like you have a fetish for bare-backing cheap zombie hookers. So please, wash your cock.
As much as we like to complain about feminism and our man-hating culture, a bar of soap and a daily scrubbing is more likely to get you what you’re after than any amount of radical social changes.
And if there be any doubt among ye, thus speaketh the Lord:
‘Now if a man has a seminal emission, he shall bathe all his body in water and be unclean until evening. As for any garment or any leather on which there is seminal emission, it shall be washed with water and be unclean until evening. If a man lies with a woman so that there is a seminal emission, they shall both bathe in water and be unclean until evening.’
Granted, we don’t have to worry about being ceremonial unclean to enter the temple anymore. But bathing and washing is still a good idea.
Desiring God delivers another fine specimen of effective anti-male propaganda:
“It is unkind to pressure your spouse for oral sex when he or she finds it unpleasant. Outdo each other in kindness.”
I almost find it admirable how clever these guilt-inducing statements are. It should be rather fun to dissect it.
First off, we have to realize who this message is addressed to.
Ask yourself this question:
How many married men in your local church do you know who is a true alpha male?
Can’t think of any?
Yeah, me neither.
Despite the stereotype of the high-testosterone domineering Christian husband, you’ll rarely find one.
What you’ll find instead is a multitude of “nice guys.” Men who have been trained since youth to seek the approval of women.
If you’ve ever read No More Mr. Nice Guy, you know that “nice guys” constantly worry about not being seen as “selfish.” So framing oral sex as selfish appeals perfectly to the Nice Guy’s insecurities.
Furthermore, the last thing a Nice Guy wants to do is “pressure” anybody to do anything. There’s an entire industry of training programs designed to help nice guys sell without using “sales pressure” and get dates without having to “be a jerk.” *
Nice Guys never want to rock the boat and live for the approval of others. A Nice Guy will have no trouble believing it’s selfish to “pressure” a woman into doing a sexual act.
DG then covers their tracks by adding the “he or she” statement. Always exaggerate the exceptions to make the problem appear egalitarian.
Finally, DG once again displays a complete ignorance of female sexuality.
According to a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, over 70% of women fantasize about performing oral sex on a man.
Furthermore, a woman can be sexually aroused by almost anything. If something is acceptable to her culture and/or if an alpha male is directing her, a woman will be down with just about anything. (This is probably why so much ancient wisdom warns husbands to keep a close watch over their wives.)
But this sexual “fluidity” is also good news for husbands. Just because she won’t do something today, doesn’t mean she won’t be thrilled to do it under the right conditions.
As far as I can tell, there are four reasons a wife would not want to perform oral:
- Stinky crotch or foul-tasting semen (due to poor hygiene or bad diet)
- No emotional meaning given to the act (she sees it just as something gross they do in porn)
- She associates it with “sin” due to her religious background or past sexual experiences
- Her man has not yet successfully passed her “shit tests” and thus she is not ready to submit to him sexually
Finally, DG closes with a classic use of pseudo-Scripture. “Outdo each other in kindness” sounds like something that would come from the Bible, but it’s not. The correct text is:
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;
The Greek word translated into honor is time, which means “what has value in the eyes of the beholder.”
“Kindness” could be an acceptable word if you truly are thinking about what the other person needs and values.
But when a Nice Guy hears “kindness”, he doesn’t think “what does a woman need sexually?” Instead, he thinks “I work so hard and help out around the house. Why won’t she return the favor?!”
If you truly want to honor your wife, you’ll work on developing the masculine attributes that she needs. For most of us, that means being more dominant.
Increase your dominance, and giving you head becomes her pleasure… not something you have to “pressure” her to do.
* The alternative to “no pressure” is not “high pressure” (which is needy) but rather declaring what you want and being outcome independent.
Time for another “X-rated” Bible study.
Today’s passage comes from Song of Solomon 1:3:
Because of the savour of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth
Many modern translations suggest the “good ointments” referred to in this opening passage are Solomon’s perfumes. If that were the case, the application would be something like, “OK. So I guess I should wear cologne?”
But a closer look at the text reveals a far more erotic meaning.
The Hebrew word translated into “ointments” is shemen (or semen) A quick look at a Hebrew Lexicon reveals that the word primarily means “fat” or “oil” (as in olive oil). It is often metaphorically used to mean fruitfulness.
And the Old Testament usage of the word is never used to mean “perfume.” It is nearly always used to refer to the oil that is poured out on a sacrificial offering or oil that is used for anointing.
Hmm… So with that definition in mind, can you think of an “oil” that would pour forth from a man? One that would symbolize fruitfulness?
And can you think of something you would pour that oil onto? Something that was presented as an offering? Like… I don’t know… a wife offering her body in submission to her husband?
No doubt, the Hebrews would be familiar these connotations of anointing and sacrificial fragrance. But here Solomon is using these words in a sexual context. The suggestion is that her lover is anointing her with his good “oils.”
But here’s where things get interesting:
There’s a play on words that is masked in the English. The Hebrew (transliterated) reads:
lereah semaneka towbim semen turaq semeka al ken alamowt ahebuka
One doesn’t need to be a native Hebrew speaker to see the obvious wordplay between semaneka (oil), semen (oil), and semeka (name).
In Hebrew, someone’s name always meant more than just a label. It meant someone’s identity and reputation.
So the point of this passage is to associate the man’s semen with his semeka.
Then comes the twist. I believe this is the entire point of the passage:
The words semen and semeka are switched in function. Normally, it is a man’s semen that would pour forth or be emptied out. But the text says it is his semeka (his name, his identity, his reputation) that is emptied out upon her.
In other words, a man’s identity is the same as his semen.
The woman longs for her lover to pour forth his “name” upon her. Which is a poetic interpretation of him pouring forth his semen upon her.
There are few things more emotionally satisfying for a man than to empty himself and pour out his semen into (or upon) a woman.
A man can intuitively grasp this. But most women don’t get it. Tragically, neither does the modern Church.
But if you think about it, what makes a man? Biologically, it’s having a penis and testicles. But what is the function of those members? To produce and pour forth semen… the good oil, the fat of life, the seed of fruitfulness.
I believe what we have here is God giving wisdom to his people. God views semen as a very good thing. And He wants men and women alike to feel the same.
NOTE: I am indebted to an article I stumbled upon entitled “The Annointed Wife” by Paul Fox for bringing some of these associations to my attention. While I can’t say I agree with all his secondary conclusions, I believe he correctly identified the primary image the passage is conveying.
This hilarious meme should help you understand why needy “nice guys” are so sexually repulsive to women:
Think less Smeagol, more Aragorn. You are the king of your household, not a beggar.
The way I see it, a woman is always in one of three states.
The “good girl” state means she’s being pleasant, feminine, and even flirtatious. This is the “loving doe” state that every man desires of his woman.
The “bad girl” state means she is being defiant. She is not submitting to your headship and is generally making life difficult.
The “sad girl” state means she has the “bad feelz.” She is hung up on some detail that causes her to forget how good her life really is. If not handled properly, a “sad girl” can often turn into a “bad girl.”
What a lot of guys don’t realize is that sex is always the proper resolution to any state a woman is in. If a man can master each of these frames, he will master his woman.
Below, I’ve given a basic outline of each type of sex in the form of three dialogues, one for each state. For clarity, I’ve stripped out all the nuances. It’s written as if the man and woman simply spoke in logical propositions. In addition to being kinda humorous, I hope it will make the escalation process clear.
Good Girl Sex
You: “See how much better I am than other guys? You want to nurture my seed, don’t you?”
Her: “Yes I do. Let me do something sexy to win your attention.”
You: “That’s a good girl. Let’s talk about sex.”
Her: “Yes. I like this. Kiss me.”
You: “Now it is time for action. You will assume a submissive position of my choosing.”
Her: “Yes, sir.”
You: “This is what you’re going to think about while I fuck you.”
Her: “Yes, sir.”
You: “Let me check your fluids and make sure you’re ready.”
Her: “I am ready.”
You: “I’m going to use your body entirely for my pleasure like an animal. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”
Her: “Yes, sir.”
You: “I’m losing control of myself now.”
Her: “Oh, yes!”
Repeat ad infinitum. Mask the obvious with clever variations. Use physical “force” when appropriate.
Bad Girl Sex
Her: “I’m being defiant and bossy for no apparent reason.”
You: “Is this the kind of person you want to be? I’m disappointed that you would treat your own husband this way. We can talk after you’ve changed your attitude.”
Her: “I’m sorry.”
You: “Show me.”
Her: “Yes, sir.”
You: “That’s a good girl. Now get on the bed. I need to teach you a lesson so you remember who’s in charge.”
Her: “Yes, sir.”
You: “This is what you needed, isn’t it? You gonna be a good girl for me now?”
Her: “Oh, yes!”
Sad Girl Sex
Her: “I’m sad for some silly reason.”
You: “I know. But you don’t need to worry because I love you. I’ll make sure you’re taken care of.”
Her: “OK… Your hands feel so good.”
You: “Yes. Just focus on happy things.”
Her: “I am happy. Kiss me.”
You: “You know that I love you, don’t you?”
You: “Now let me love all of you.”
Her: “Yes. Give me more… more… more…”
You: “My inner beast is coming out now.”
Her: “Oh, yes!”
If your encounters with your wife aren’t resolving as you wish them to, hopefully these little dialogues will reveal the sticking point. Start by simply being aware of which of the three states she is in throughout the day. Then imagine how it should resolve if you knew what to do.
After awareness, you can pinpoint the skills and tactics you need to bring her closer and closer to the proper resolution on a regular basis.
Let’s talk about a woman’s “self-esteem.”
You’ll hear all the time about how women struggle with body image, face unrealistic standards of beauty, are pressured to “sexualize” their body, etc. etc.
But there is a more intriguing aspect of a woman’s self-esteem that is rarely discussed.
A woman who thinks she deserves better is repulsive. But a woman who doubts her beauty is primed and ready for an erotic adventure.
Consider Song of Solomon 1:6:
Do not stare at me because I am swarthy,
For the sun has burned me.
My mother’s sons were angry with me;
They made me caretaker of the vineyards,
But I have not taken care of my own vineyard.
“Vineyard” is a metaphor for her body. This is a woman who knows she’s not as beautiful as she could be.
She has just met the man of her dreams and she doubts that she is beautiful enough to be desirable to him. She got so busy working for others that she neglected to put in the work needed to present her beauty as well as she could have.
She knows that the man she desires is desirable to other women:
Your name is like purified oil;
Therefore the maidens love you. (1:3)
“Will he find me pleasing?” she thinks. “He could choose from so many other women. I’m not nearly beautiful enough for a man like that. Oh, if only I had better prepared for this moment!”
It is this perceived mismatch of value that is the beginning of erotic tension.
It is a good thing if your wife expresses doubts about her body. It is at that moment of doubt that she is yearning to please you and earn your approval.
And just as you affirmed her beauty and sent her heart a-flutter when you asked for her hand in marriage, so you will reaffirm your approval of her when you take her into the bedroom… again…and again…and again…
The more attractive you are to women in general, the more your wife will doubt that she is pleasing enough for you. She will work hard to prove herself worthy of being your wife.
This is why you want to work on increasing your “sexual market value.” You want her to feel like she lucked out by the fact that you “settled” for her.
A woman who feels inferior and unworthy of her man’s approval is a woman who will dress sexy and yearn for frequent sex. She needs constant approval when she’s in the presence of a high quality man.
P.S. I’m putting the final touches on the SMV test for married men. I plan to have it up soon.
One of the most popular threads at Grace Centered’s Christian Men Sexual Topics forum is about oral sex.
A man says his wife is resenting him for asking for oral sex almost every day. She wants more romance in the marriage. She wants him to be more sensitive to her needs… not just sexual, but physical and emotional as well.
He said a few years ago, his wife asked him if he would like to receive oral every morning when he woke up. Of course he was thrilled with the idea.
But now she only gives him oral once every few weeks and they “make love” about once a month.
He tries to do a lot of extra favors for his wife like cooking, feeding the pets, washing the clothes, etc. He does all the driving and all the shopping. Because of all these favors, he feels like he should have a “right” to ask for oral sex and not have to beg for it.
But his wife continues to seem irritated that oral sex is the only form of sexual contact he asks for. She gets angry and says “that’s all you want, isn’t it?” or “I would give it to you if you DIDN’T ask for it.”
Both he and his wife are frustrated and trying to resolve the issue.
So what’s going on here?
The guy’s primary mistake is he’s approaching sex with a “tit for tat” attitude. He’s assuming that if he does favors for her, she’ll do favors for him.
This is a common mistake and one that I made myself for several years.
But you’ve got to realize that the favors you do for her around the house have nothing to do with sexual attraction. If anything, they could backfire on you if you do too many. She’ll begin to see you as her man-servant rather than as her sexual man.
Put it this way, if you’re wife doesn’t want to suck your cock, you’re not doing it right.
Never ask for sexual favors. This comes across as needy and is unattractive to women.
Instead, arouse her passions by triggering her sensual imagination. Then when she signals her readiness, give her a command.
Once you tap into that desire, all the other problems will go away.
A lot of Christian guys have a hard time accepting the fact that being nice does not translate into more sex… especially when being “sweet” served them so them well during the dating phase.
But if you think about it from her perspective, it makes sense. Let me explain with an analogy:
Imagine you just got hired for a new job.
It’s a fun place to work and the boss is really nice. Every day he tells you how great you are and how happy he is to have you there.
You’re happy to be there too. It sucked being unemployed for so long. This new job is a dream come true and an answer to prayers for you.
You enjoy the compliments too. It feels good to finally be acknowledged and appreciated. “I am a wonderful person” your ego whispers to yourself.
But after the novelty of the job wears off, you begin to get frustrated.
It seems that your boss is too easy to please. Are you really making progress at your job? Do his compliments really mean anything?
Any idea you propose is “great.” Any project you turn in is “fantastic.”
At first, this feedback made you feel good. But now you’re frustrated.
It’s impossible to know if you’re becoming better at your job. You begin to lose motivation. If everything you do is already so wonderful, there’s no reason to try to improve.
You start to slack off. But you’re still “doing great” according to your boss.
You secretly begin to resent your boss. You think he’s full of B.S. You lose respect for him. And you don’t want to work for someone you don’t respect.
Now imagine your relationship from your wife’s perspective.
Do you think she’s going to respect a man that never challenges her? Who only tells her how wonderful she is?
Women want to be challenged and grow just like men do. She knows she is lacking. She doesn’t want to be lied to.
It’s socially unacceptable for a woman to request a man to quit being so nice to her. But she craves a strong hand to guide her. This is the secret to unlocking her legs.
Let’s get something clear:
The power to have a happy marriage and blessed sex life comes from within the woman.
It doesn’t matter how much you “need” sex. It doesn’t matter how often you try to rationally explain to her why she needs to change her behavior.
All you need is the desires that God has already placed deep in her heart and loins.
Without a man to guide her, these desires have no direction. She does not know what she wants. Her inner life is a state of conflicting emotions and chaotic thoughts.
Your job is to bring her focus on these desires and give them a goal. You do not create anything new; you simply channel and direct what already exists.
You are the shepherd of her womanly yearnings.
With that said, the first step is to know what these desires are. Below is a summary of the 8 desires that every normal woman has. It’s a safe bet to assume that your wife is no different.
- Work hard to earn a man’s approval
- See social proof that her man is high quality
- Subordinate herself to a worthy man’s mission
- Yield her frame to a more powerful man
- Be kept in a perpetual state of intrigue and erotic tension
- Explore her sensual imagination
- A sexual man who makes known what he wants
- Sensual, passionate and “rough” sex
Ponder these desires. Know them intimately. They will serve you well.
Don’t be fooled by what you see on the surface. A woman’s beliefs and behavior will often contradict her true desires. She needs your help to bring them out.
NOTE: These 8 desires were adapted from the 16 Commandments of Poon.