While he’s certainly not assessing the situation from a biblical worldview, Dr. Lehmiller has a point:
Research has found that the U.S. states with the most abstinence-only programs actually have the highest rates of teen pregnancy ! What does work when it comes to sex education is a comprehensive approach—one that gives teenagers the information they truly need to know, which will enable them to establish safer and healthier sexual relationships. Research also reveals that comprehensive sex education is not only linked to lower rates of teen pregnancy , but also to lower rates of STI-risk behavior .
It’s also worth noting that abstinence-until-marriage programs are unrealistic in an era when the average age of first intercourse is 15-16, whereas the average age of first marriage is almost 30. Telling teens they should wait 15 years before they start having sex just isn’t a practical goal.
Our ancestors may not have been so backwards in marrying off girls in their teens. The reason we find the idea so repulsive today is because we have idolized “education” at the expense of sensible sexual strategy.
The “wait until marriage” mantra will never work when marriage seems so impossibly far away to a young girl in heat.
A man can learn a lot about female sexuality if he pays attention to pop music. It’s one of the few mediums where it’s culturally acceptable for a woman to express her true desires about sex.
Consider the ending of the song “Wild Ones” by Flo Rida with Sia:
I am a wild one, break me in
Saddle me up and lets begin
I am a wild one, tame me now
Running with wolves and I’m on the prowl
Show you another side of me
A side you would never thought you would see
Tear up that body dominate you til you had ‘nough
I hear you like the wild stuff
Hey I heard you were a wild one ooh
If I took you home, it’d be a home run
Show me how you’ll do
I want to shut down the club, with you
Hey I heard you like the wild ones (wild ones wild ones) ooh
I am a wild one break me in
Saddle me up and let’s begin
I am a wild one tame me now
Running with wolves and I’m on the prowl
Just because it’s a party song, doesn’t mean it’s not applicable to the marriage bed. Your wife has the same desires buried deep inside her.
The other week I wrote a post summarizing some of the common sex questions Christian wives are privately asking online.
Most of the questions centered around issues of guilt. I thought it’d be fun/useful/provocative to give my answers to each of the questions.
Q: Is using birth control and condoms inside of marriage a sin?
A: No. Do not add to the word of God. “Be fruitful and multiply” does not mean have as many children as you can as fast as humanly possible.
Exception: some forms of birth control destroy life after conception. Sometimes it is difficult to assess the effects of a birth control. Condoms are probably the safest bet in terms of conscience.
Q: Is masturbation a sin?
A: No. Do not add to the word of God.
Q: Is it a sin to have an erotic dream involving another man?
A: No. Do not add to the word of God.
Q: I can’t enjoy sex…
A: Ask her what she is thinking about while she is having sex. Get specifics.
Q: Is it a sin to have sexual thoughts about someone other than my husband?
A: No. Do not add to the word of God.
Exception: It is a sin to covet a man other than your husband. But this is different than fleeting sexual thoughts.
Q: Is it a sin to enjoy reading erotica?
A: No. Otherwise you couldn’t enjoy the Song of Songs.
Q: How can I deal with lusting after hot guys?
A: The modern concept of lust is different from the biblical concept of lust. She is probably just noticing physical features that women instinctively find attractive. But if it truly is sinful lust, the solution is simple: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)
Q: I feel guilty because I privately fantasize about being raped…
A: “Rape” is modern term used to shame both men and women for natural sexual instincts. It is not wrong to have sexual fantasies about being roughly taken by a man. Do not add to the word of God.
Q: Need prayer to heal from the past…
A: Pray. But don’t allow her to continue to identify as a victim. There is (probably) nothing wrong with her physically. It’s all in her head. Help her to focus on positive aspects of sex (like the Song of Songs) rather than negative (like being a sexual abuse victim.)
Q: I have issues with attraction and fantasies towards women…
A: The Bible never condemns women for finding other women sexually attractive. The Song of Songs even encourages it (Song 6:13).
One of the great things about the internet is it allows a savvy user to practically read the minds of people you wish to influence.
Case in point:
There is an online forum over at Grace Centered called “Christian Women Sexual Topics.”
Here are some of the most popular questions that Christian wives are privately wondering:
- Is using birth control and condoms inside of marriage a sin?
- Is masturbation a sin?
- Is it a sin to have an erotic dream involving another man?
- Can’t enjoy sex…
- Is it a sin to have sexual thoughts about someone other than my husband?
- Is it wrong to enjoy reading erotica?
- How can I deal with lusting after hot guys?
- I feel guilty because I privately fantasize about being raped…
- Need prayer to heal from the past…
- I have issues with attraction and fantasies towards women…
Notice that most of the topics are variations of “is this a sin?” A woman cannot focus on pleasing her husband when her conscience is guilty.
It is psychologically damaging to hold in guilty secrets. If your wife has aversions to or anxiety about sex, there’s a good chance unaddressed guilty thoughts are at the root.
As her husband, you can take the initiative and get these topics out in the open. You don’t need to “solve” the problem. Just show her how God’s word is not as restrictive as she was led to believe.
Alleviate her guilty conscience by drawing a clear line between what is good and what is sin. Do not be afraid emphasize the boundaries that God clearly commanded. But also remember the most important principle of interpreting the Bible:
Do not add to His words
Or He will reprove you, and you will be proved a liar.
Given my apparent theme lately of Satanic deception and sexual suppression, it seemed fitting to wrap the week up with a lesson from Disney.
The other week, there was some discussion in the manosphere over the Satanic nature of the song “Let It Go” from Frozen.
I would agree that the lyrics are Satanic (at least when they stand alone). But the lyrics also provide a perfect perspective on the inner thoughts of a woman as she is being deceived.
So let’s consider the following lyrics and try to become “wise as serpents” in our dealing with our wives and daughters:
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation,
and it looks like I’m the Queen
She feels like her responsibility is forcing her to be isolated from relationships with others. Like any girl, she is curious about the world and wants adventure. But she feels trapped.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in;
Heaven knows I’ve tried
Her inner (sexual?) passions are too much to contain. She feels that she can’t “keep it in.”
Don’t let them in,
don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Being “good” and her inner passions are placed at odds with each other. She now feels like she is “bad” and cannot let loved ones get too close to her. Being “good” becomes a heavy burden.
Conceal, don’t feel,
don’t let them know
It is her passions that make her “bad.” The message she perceives is that she must conceal these passions. Don’t let anyone know how bad she is.
Well now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
After having her epiphany that her passion is too much of a burden to hold in, she finds a new sense of liberation in letting it go.
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care
what they’re going to say
Now that’s she’s made her decision to “let it go”, she reaffirms her decision by burning her bridges. They don’t understand. She doesn’t need them.
Let the storm rage on.
Her conclusive cry of “liberation.”
The cold never bothered me anyway
Sure, there’s a down side, but it’s not that bad…
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all
She is uncertain about her decision so she needs further justification. Compared living in fear as a “good girl”, this new liberated lifestyle is clearly better for her.
It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me,
With the shackles removed, she can finally explore the limits of her passion. No more rules! That means she’s free, right?
Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on
She’s a grown up now. She’s has understanding now of things she was never allowed to previously explored. She boldly declares “here I’ll stay.”
Suppression is the necessary condition for deception. Women always want to feel like they’re being liberated from an oppressor.
Don’t allow God’s Word to become that oppressor she secretly craves to be liberated from.
Frame is everything.
Here’s some Bible passages you might find surprisingly arousing…
May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!
For your love is better than wine.
Wet, open mouth kissing. The bride would only know how he tasted if her tongue was involved! Also implies an ecstasy similar to being drunk on wine. Some commentators suggest other kinds of oral activity are involved as well.
To me, my darling, you are like
My mare among the chariots of Pharaoh.
Chariots were normally pulled by stallions, not mares. So to place a mare among the “chariots of Pharaoh” would excite the sexually eager stallion. Stallions were known for their sexual heat. According to Ezekiel, stallions were known for having large emissions… an obvious result of sexual excitement at the sight of a breed-worthy mare.
While the king was at his table,
My perfume gave forth its fragrance.
A reference to the ancient custom of women to perfume their sexual parts. As she becomes aroused, her body heat rises, sending forth the smell of perfume to signal her readiness.
The beams of our houses are cedars,
Our rafters, cypresses.
Outdoor sex. Women love the thrill of having sex in different locations.
I would give you spiced wine to drink from the juice of my pomegranates.
Pomegranates are filled with an abundance of seed and were known in ancient times as a symbol of fertility. Pomegranates also have a high content of estrogen. It’s worth noting that the etymologic definition of estrogen was “begetter of mad desire.”
Until the cool of the day when the shadows flee away,
Turn, my beloved, and be like a gazelle
Or a young stag on the mountains of Bether.
The “mountains of Bether” can also be translated as the “mountains of separation.” The fact that a woman’s sexual parts were perfumed makes the preceding reference to lilies more clear and clarifies the reference for this line. One only needs to take a brief glance at the female anatomy to identify where the “mountain of separation lies.” The man is invited to use his tongue (presumably) to playfully prance about her “mountains of separation” like a gazelle or young stag. Or, as the Moffatt translation puts it: “Play like a roe or a hart on my perfumed slopes.”
Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest,
So is my beloved among the young men.
In his shade I took great delight and sat down,
And his fruit was sweet to my taste.
A clever play on words. Her lover stands out from other men like an apple tree amidst the plain trees of the forest. And thus she desires to “sit in his shade” and taste his fruit. Her lover towers over her like a tree as she sits down (or kneels) and tastes his fruit. A man shouldn’t need need too much prompting to figure out where his “fruit” would come from (i.e. “be fruitful and multiply”) and how a woman would go about tasting that fruit. Also worth noting that his fruit was sweet to her taste. Making the effort to make your semen taste good is worthwhile.
thy breasts to clusters of grapes
A cluster of grapes hangs down, just as a woman’s breasts hang down when she is in a “ready position.” Additionally, grapes become increasingly round and elastic as they ripen, similar to a woman’s breasts when she becomes aroused. This is a setup for what happens next…
I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree,
I will take hold of its fruit stalks.
In the ancient near-east, female palm trees were fertilized with the flowers from male palm trees. In order to fertilize the female tree, one had to get some flowers from the male tree and then climb the female tree and tie some pollen-bearing flowers among the female flowers. Thus, to “climb the palm tree” means to fertilize it. (Even to this day, a similar practice is performed in growing dates.) The sight of the woman’s shape as well as her breasts hanging down like clusters of grapes signals that is time to “fertilize” her.
Come, my beloved,
Let us go forth to the field
In ancient usage, “plowing a field” was a natural metaphor for sexual intercourse. The back and forth motion opens up the ground in order to receive seed. In Eastern custom, a man was thought of as a “plough” and a woman as a “field.” In Latin, the word vomer can mean both “penis” and a “plow.” It is clear that there is a useful sexual metaphor we have lost over the years. The opportunity for erotic wordplay on this theme are endless. Take, for example, this ancient east erotic poem:
“As for me, my vulva,
For me, the piled high hillock,
Me, the maid, who will plow it for me?
My vulva, the watered ground — for me?
Me the Queen, who will station the ox there?”
“O Lordly Lady, the king will plow it for you,
Dumuzi, the king will plow it for you.”
“Plow my vulva, man of my heart!”
This is really just scratching the surface. But this is a good “teaser” to get you started.
Solomon’s writing style is to pack a lot of meaning into a small number of words. Rather than give detailed instructions, he gives you the clue so that those who are diligent can fully explore it’s implications.
From the Song of Solomon, we learn that being fruitful and multiplying is about much more than simply having kids. It is about unlocking a world of ecstasy.
Sources and Further Reading:
K.J. Aaron’s Sexuality in the Bible
New Life Community Church’s “Sexual Allusions and Symbols in the Song of Songs“
I imagine it won’t be long before we start hearing this sort of rhetoric from churchian pulpits:
Silence doesn’t mean consent. Her not resisting or saying “no, please stop” doesn’t constitute “affirmative consent”. So really, the only way to make sure that consent is present is for the man to continue asking her throughout the encounter: “Is this OK? Can I keep doing this? Is this thrust OK with you? Is THIS thrust OK? Can I thrust again? How about this one? Can I keep going? Do you want me to stop?”
If that did NOT happen, if the man did not get EXPRESS, VERBAL statements that he could continue, then yes, there was sexual assault.
(You can read the full article over at Rational Male.)
To a woman, that kind of sex would be like an annoying waiter that interrupts your dinner every five minutes to ask if “everything is okay.”
Sadly, this “consensual sex” policy isn’t so far removed from how Christian guys are taught to approach their wife.
I think we’re going to see a great divide in quality of sexual experience among Christians in the near future:
A minority will accept red pill truths about women and collectively discover how to have mind blowing sex.
The rest will become so sexually retarded that they’ll give up on sex altogether.
After many years of trying to understand women, I believe I’ve managed to distill what a woman wants down to just three simple words.
Why is a woman’s behavior so full of contradictions? For example…
- Date an alpha male and eventually get pregnant, knowing in advance that he’ll leave her to raise the child alone
- Become suddenly sexually aroused when other women are interested in her man, when she was repulsed by him earlier
- Try to change her husband, then get mad at him when he does change (and even leave him for a man like he first was)
Thanks to the red pill movement, we have the observations of thousands of men’s experiences with women. We’ve seen that certain patterns emerge and that women are more predictable than they’d like us to believe.
But if I may be so bold, I’d like to suggest that there is a single unifying theme that explains everything a woman does. It’s a single, subconcious but all-consuming desire:
Loss of control.
This explains everything about women. Or at least everything that I’m aware of.
- Fitness tests? She wants to see if you’re man enough to take control away from her.
- Comfort tests? She wants to know that you still have control (of her) and she won’t have to take it back
- 50 Shades of Gray? A highly dramatized tale of losing control
- Wild and rough sex? Basically like getting drunk
- A man with a plan? He who has the plan takes control over the clueless
- Working hard to earn approval? Whoever needs approval the most is under control of the one who gives it out
- Seeing other women interested in her man? She now longer has control over him… how arousing!
- Getting pregnant? She’s no longer an independent woman.
- etc. etc.
Drama, Pain, and Arousal
Now, I don’t think this “loss of control” observation is particularly novel. It’s just a summary of the findings of many years of PUA and red pill blogs.
But here’s where things get interesting…
Loss of control doesn’t happen instantaneously. And it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s a process that occurs in time and space.
In other words, it’s a story.
We know that women love stories. They love drama. And we know that every woman is the star of her own movie that’s playing in her head.
When you break it down, a story is simple. It contains three elements:*
- A desire (or goal)
- A character
- A conflict
That’s all you need to create a story. And women crave stories. Specifically, she craves a story (either real or imagined) where she is the “victim” who experiences a loss of control.
And how does this story of her losing control happen?
Well, there’s many ways it could happen, but there is one specific way that God prescribed for it to happen:
To the woman He said, “I will greatly increase your suffering and your childbearing; in pain shall you bear children. Yet your craving shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.“
-Genesis 3:16 (Tanach: The Stone Edition)
Outside of the Garden of Eden, a woman must experience pain to bring forth children. In fact, the central theme of a woman’s life is discomfort, either in bearing and raising children or in attracting a man to impregnate her.
Blackdragon wrote an excellent post detailing the many pains an ordinary woman must go through just to get through life. Here’s just a small sampling:
- Constantly worry about her weight. Multiply by 10 if she’s even a tiny bit overweight.
- Body image issues, oppressive religious upbringing, daddy issues, etc.
- Throwing up and other complications after getting pregnant (not to mention the unbearable pain of actually giving birth)
- Trying to lose baby fat after pregnancy… then it’s back to the above
- Constant guilt over wanting sex (“anti-slut defense”)
- Sleep deprivation due to needing 90 minutes to get ready in the morning
- As she approaches 30 she (appropriately) fears that she will never marry… or she realizes she’s stuck with a sexually repulsive man… or she worries her husband will lose interest in her
In other words, a woman’s life is a never ending flow of physical and emotion pain.
And all of this pain is either preparation for, or a result of having sex with a man. Not to mention that the sexual act itself involves at least some pain for the woman… for obvious mechanical reasons.
To put it bluntly, it is simply not sensible for a woman to have sex with a man. It only brings her pain.
And yet her body craves more than anything to be inseminated by an alpha male. This is the climax of her story. Him losing control of himself and unleashing his animal-like passion upon her body. And her, the helpless victim at the mercy of a man who is smarter and stronger than her in every way.
And therein lies the conflict. She knows she should resist and keep herself safe from pain. And yet she craves so badly to have a man wrestle that decision away from her.
And where there is conflict, there is emotion. And for a woman, emotion = arousal.
I believe the process of female arousal can be conceptualized like so (in this rather crude attempt at a table):
| ||Stage 1||Stage 2||Stage 3
|Theme||safety||(potential) pain or shame||loss of control
|Response||resistance to any change||arousal and confusion||climax and addiction
To illustrate, consider the following samples. If you’ve taken the red pill, you’ll intuitively know that these fantasies would arouse almost any woman:
(Warning: X-rated language follows)
Her church friends [safety] had no idea how much of a dirty slut she was [shame]. She knew it was wrong but she just couldn’t stop doing it. [loss of control/addiction.]
She tried to get her chores done [safety] but she couldn’t stay focused. She knew he would be mad when he got back from work. [shame]. When he returned home, he bent her over his knee and spanked her until she cried like a little girl [pain/loss of control]. Then he forced her to suck his cock to remind her who was in charge. [loss of control]
Her mother wanted her to pursue a career as a lawyer [safety]. But she secretly wanted nothing more than for her tight little body to get pounded and used by a dominant man. She wanted to carry his seed and get pregnant. [shame/pain]. She was so horny she could no longer focus on her studies. She spent all her free time reading impregnation fantasies online and masturbating. [loss of control]
The story can also be non-verbal and merely implied by the actions. For example…
Starting with “just the tip” [safety]. Then getting “rougher” [pain] until the bed starts violently rocking and creaking [loss of control].
Doing chores together [safety]. Then slapping her ass [pain] and pinning her against the wall and devouring her body [loss of control]
Giving her a massage [safety]. Then biting her ears [pain]. Then turning up the heat until you’re groaning like a animal in heat and she’s gasping for air [loss of control].
I believe it is through this arousal process that a woman’s pain is redeemed. It is what she craves more than anything else.
Too Long, Didn’t Read…
Here’s the big takeaway:
As Nice Guys, we’re conditioned to yield to a woman’s resistance. But we don’t realize that her resistance, and the potential pain that follows, is the key to her arousal.
Instead of backing down at resistance, that’s when the heat needs to be turned up. Tease her about how ashamed she’ll feel or how sore she’s going to be when she finally gives in to your will.
IF you, as a man, are strong enough (physically, emotionally, mentally) to take away her control…
Then she will become aroused by the thought of the potential pain she will experience as you pull her away from sensibility and safety into a complete loss of control.
(Read that last sentence a few times and ponder it. It’s weird. But, as best I can tell, it’s true.)
* Acknowledgement to Hollywood script consultant Michael Hauge for his insights into story structure. Though he should not be held responsible for my misogynistic applications of his ideas.
Receiving a blowjob is probably the #1 secret desire of most married Christian guys today.
And wives will invent all kinds of excuses to avoid doing this act. But the true reason she is repulsed by the idea might be much simpler (and more embarrassing) than you think.
From the (highly recommended) Married Sex Man Primer by Athol Kay:
You have a body and that body can get a little stinky. That is a huge turn off to women…
Particularly the washing up needs to happen “down there” if you have any hope of getting blowjobs. You may think you smell just fine, but in the words of Fat Bastard, “Everybody loves their own aroma.” Her vagina doesn’t have a sense of smell, so as long as you don’t smell terrible all over, she can lie back and think about shoe sales for the two minutes it takes you to be done…
Her nose does have a sense of smell though and when it’s nuzzling into your crotch she’s going to get a heady whiff of whatever has been happening down there. Two-day-old underwear with urine stains aren’t going to cut it. If you’ve spent half the day getting hard over the busty chick in the cubicle next to you and there’s something approaching a pint of drying pre-cum swill in your pants, that’s going to smell bad. Women have sensitive noses, far more sensitive than those of men. Faced with smells as strong as these, she’s just going to uncontrollably gag as soon as something goes in her mouth. Wives hate that.
Even if the last person you had sex with was her, if that’s not cleansed off with soap and water and is just left au naturale, within 24 hours your cock is going to smell like you have a fetish for bare-backing cheap zombie hookers. So please, wash your cock.
As much as we like to complain about feminism and our man-hating culture, a bar of soap and a daily scrubbing is more likely to get you what you’re after than any amount of radical social changes.
And if there be any doubt among ye, thus speaketh the Lord:
‘Now if a man has a seminal emission, he shall bathe all his body in water and be unclean until evening. As for any garment or any leather on which there is seminal emission, it shall be washed with water and be unclean until evening. If a man lies with a woman so that there is a seminal emission, they shall both bathe in water and be unclean until evening.’
Granted, we don’t have to worry about being ceremonial unclean to enter the temple anymore. But bathing and washing is still a good idea.
Desiring God delivers another fine specimen of effective anti-male propaganda:
“It is unkind to pressure your spouse for oral sex when he or she finds it unpleasant. Outdo each other in kindness.”
I almost find it admirable how clever these guilt-inducing statements are. It should be rather fun to dissect it.
First off, we have to realize who this message is addressed to.
Ask yourself this question:
How many married men in your local church do you know who is a true alpha male?
Can’t think of any?
Yeah, me neither.
Despite the stereotype of the high-testosterone domineering Christian husband, you’ll rarely find one.
What you’ll find instead is a multitude of “nice guys.” Men who have been trained since youth to seek the approval of women.
If you’ve ever read No More Mr. Nice Guy, you know that “nice guys” constantly worry about not being seen as “selfish.” So framing oral sex as selfish appeals perfectly to the Nice Guy’s insecurities.
Furthermore, the last thing a Nice Guy wants to do is “pressure” anybody to do anything. There’s an entire industry of training programs designed to help nice guys sell without using “sales pressure” and get dates without having to “be a jerk.” *
Nice Guys never want to rock the boat and live for the approval of others. A Nice Guy will have no trouble believing it’s selfish to “pressure” a woman into doing a sexual act.
DG then covers their tracks by adding the “he or she” statement. Always exaggerate the exceptions to make the problem appear egalitarian.
Finally, DG once again displays a complete ignorance of female sexuality.
According to a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, over 70% of women fantasize about performing oral sex on a man.
Furthermore, a woman can be sexually aroused by almost anything. If something is acceptable to her culture and/or if an alpha male is directing her, a woman will be down with just about anything. (This is probably why so much ancient wisdom warns husbands to keep a close watch over their wives.)
But this sexual “fluidity” is also good news for husbands. Just because she won’t do something today, doesn’t mean she won’t be thrilled to do it under the right conditions.
As far as I can tell, there are four reasons a wife would not want to perform oral:
- Stinky crotch or foul-tasting semen (due to poor hygiene or bad diet)
- No emotional meaning given to the act (she sees it just as something gross they do in porn)
- She associates it with “sin” due to her religious background or past sexual experiences
- Her man has not yet successfully passed her “shit tests” and thus she is not ready to submit to him sexually
Finally, DG closes with a classic use of pseudo-Scripture. “Outdo each other in kindness” sounds like something that would come from the Bible, but it’s not. The correct text is:
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;
The Greek word translated into honor is time, which means “what has value in the eyes of the beholder.”
“Kindness” could be an acceptable word if you truly are thinking about what the other person needs and values.
But when a Nice Guy hears “kindness”, he doesn’t think “what does a woman need sexually?” Instead, he thinks “I work so hard and help out around the house. Why won’t she return the favor?!”
If you truly want to honor your wife, you’ll work on developing the masculine attributes that she needs. For most of us, that means being more dominant.
Increase your dominance, and giving you head becomes her pleasure… not something you have to “pressure” her to do.
* The alternative to “no pressure” is not “high pressure” (which is needy) but rather declaring what you want and being outcome independent.