I’m going to guess that the following two statements are true for most men:
- Men do not want to be porn addicts
- Men do not want to spend 30+ minutes “warming up” a woman every time they feel horny
The two statements are more related than I realized.
Most sex advice I’ve read emphasizes the importance of taking your time with the woman, making sure she’s comfortable, pleasuring her body to get her in the mood, etc.
This is obviously not the instinctual preference of a young man. When a young man is on, he’s like a rutting buck… ready to mount as soon as opportunity presents itself.
The Christian sex manuals I’ve read emphasize that learning to slow down and pleasure a woman is part of learning sacrificial love and patience.
There may be some truth to that.
I think this advice is harmful when it’s presented as the primary sexual strategy for a married man.
I’ve noticed that there are two “schools of thought” when it comes to arousing a woman:
- Focus on her pleasure
- Focus on your pleasure
Both of these approaches can work. But the first is difficult to sustain.
It takes tremendous willpower to spend an hour “warming up” a woman night after night.
Willpower rapidly depletes over time. Maybe you can pull it off a night or two. But if it takes that much heavy lifting to get a woman ready, it’s just not a sustainable strategy.
The more a man tries to please his woman, the more frustrated he gets and the more likely he is to be driven back to porn.
Now, I’ll confess: In terms of skill, I am not very good in the bedroom (yet.) I have good frame control and can keep the desire alive, but my bedroom performance is rather dull.
Whenever I try to please her, it doesn’t go well. But I’ve noticed that whenever I focus on my pleasure–even with my lackluster skills– she ends up having a good time.
From a red pilled perspective, this makes sense. We know that women desire to be used by a man. So when a man takes raw primal pleasure in her body, it’s going to be arousing to her.
Now here’s where things get interesting:
Most pornography is a Type 1 fantasy. It’s all about her pleasure.
The camera is centered on the woman the whole time and she’s moaning and groaning. The man is in the background and contributes nothing more to the scene than a ridiculously sized plowing tool.
Based on my experience and what I’ve read in the manosphere, this is not at all how real women behave during sex.
Porn is designed to appeal to the ultimate beta male fantasy:
Pleasure a woman to ecstasy. Cut out the boring 30+ minutes of foreplay.
Contrast this to the erotica that women read:
The man takes primal pleasure in the woman. He uses her body when and how he pleases. The sexual encounters are centered on the man and his primal urges.
While men are often vilified in Christian circles for looking at pornography, the irony is that porn is just reinforcing the same message men get in the church: the pussy and her pleasure is the focal point of the sexual relationship.
Men are told to “sacrifice” their pleasure and instincts in order to please their wives.
Ironically, this leaves both parties unfulfilled and frustrated.
If we truly want to help men overcome their porn addictions, we shouldn’t shame them for wanting to look at.
We should make fun of porn. And not just porn, but all ineffective sexual strategies that place the pussy on a pedestal.
It’s only when men begin focusing on their own pleasure that we will finally have happy women.
Btw, my posting frequency on this blog may slow down for a bit. Focusing on growing an audience on Twitter. I’m at 210 followers right now. If I can get up to 500 in the next several weeks, I’ll take that as validation that I’ve got a good message-audience match. If you come here looking for updates, you can read my compressed thoughts on Twitter.
[Note: This ended up being a weird, but perhaps important, post where I started with one question and ended up going down a rabbit hole. Read at your own risk.]
If you’ve been reading red pill philosophy for a while, you’ve probably come across the term “open hypergamy.”
“Hypergamy” refers to a woman’s nature to secure the best man she can get. In a society that values marriage and shames having children out of wedlock, hypergamy means “marrying up.”
But in our “sexually liberated” culture, hypergamy simply means securing the best genes from a man and then finding an alternative source of provision (e.g. welfare or a beta male.) This strategy can accurately be termed as “fucking up.”
This second scenario is commonly called “open hypergamy.” It’s a woman’s hypergamous nature without restraint. And it’s not good for society.
It’s not good for women, who end up leading miserable lives as single mothers or get “stuck” in a sexually unfulfilling marriage with a beta male.
It’s not good for the majority of men, who become involuntary celibates (“incels”).
It’s not even good for the alpha males, as successful pick up artists soon find that an abundance of sex without meaningful context only creates disillusionment and ruins their ability to find satisfaction in a long-term relationship.
In short, it seems that God’s design is best: sex is for marriage.
There’s no doubt that “open hypergamy” is bad. But there is some controversy over whether hypergamy itself is bad.
After all hypergamy is what drives women to commit adultery. And adultery is clearly a sin.
Unraveling the Nature of Women
So is hypergamy part of a woman’s “sin nature”?
To answer this question we have to look at what the Scriptures say about the nature of women. There are two fundamental passages on this topic [emphasis mine]:
And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. (Genesis 2:18)
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. (Gen 3:16)
When it comes to interpreting Scripture, I follow the Occam’s razor principle: the explanation with the fewest assumptions should be tested first. Theological theories are usually unnecessary when a plain explanation suffices.
Case in point:
“Help meet” (ezer) can be translated as “succor” which means giving assistance in a time of hardship and distress.
So what was Adam’s distress?
Was he having a hard time classifying the animals?
No. His mind was well-suited to that task. Adam’s distress is found in verse 20:
And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
Now, not to get too crude here, but it’s important to note that it was studying animals that caused Adam to recognize his distress.
Last I checked, animals are not particularly romantic creatures. They are primal and driven to mate.
No doubt, Adam thought something like, “I need to do that to. But the parts don’t align. What do I do with this urge?”
It was only after God made Adam aware of the need, that he introduced the woman. Hence the significance of Adam’s expression “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”
At last! Adam had found his sexual counterpart.
So the first fundamental aspect of woman’s nature is this:
A woman was designed to fulfill a man’s primal urges. And, as a corollary, a woman feels most fulfilled when she is relieving a man of his primal “distress”. She is the “help meet”… the succor.
But then something happened that changed the sexual dynamic:
Sin entered the world.
As a consequence, God made some adjustments to female nature.
The first thing God did was adjust the woman’s anatomy. It would now be painful to give birth to children. Presumably this would also mean it would be painful to have sex with a man. She is too “tight” to be penetrated with ease.
Now, if God had stopped there, sex would be ruined. No woman would ever want to have sex or get pregnant. It’s all pain, and no pleasure.
So how did God resolve this problem? With a change in the woman’s psychology:
“thy desire shall be to thy husband”
Note that “husband” is ish which simply means “man.” There was only one man on the marketplace at the time. And, unlike our “soy boy” culture of today, being a man back then had a connotation of strength… a masculine man.
So with these clarifications in mind, the meaning of “desire” becomes apparent:
A woman yearns for a strong man.
This is in contrast to the pain involved in having children. If it’s a masculine man, the desire for that man’s seed overrides the future pain of childbirth and even the pain of intercourse.
In other words, in the presence of a strong man, a woman becomes (to a certain extent) masochistic. She derives pleasure from pain.
This also explains humanity’s timeless obsession with the tightness and size of certain sexual parts. The scripture itself illustrates in vivid terms what happens when female sexuality runs out of control:
There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. (Ezek 23:20)
This is “open hypergamy” at it’s most extreme. All pretenses of restraint are thrown out the window and men are judged simply on the size of their members.
This potential degradation of female sexuality necessitates the final point of God’s decree to the woman:
“and he will rule over you.”
A woman’s sexuality requires domination from the man. If she is not dominated by a man (or if she rebels against the “patriarchy”) she will seek lewd avenues of expression to her sexuality.
So in sum, the fundamental nature of woman is:
- Finding fulfillment in relieving a man’s primal urges (the succor role)
- Yearning for the strongest man she can get (hypergamy)
- Deriving pleasure from pain and subjugation to a strong man (masochism)
Female Nature: Sin or Design?
Now, to bring this full circle back to the original question: “is hypergamy sinful?” There’s something worth noting in the Genesis 3 account:
When God made his decrees, both the serpent and the man were given a “because you did this… therefore this” type of judgment. But the woman was not.
The woman was simply told, “this is what is going to happen.”
The responsibility fell on Adam. “Because you listened to the voice of your wife.”
In other words, it seems that the nature of woman was changed because of the man not because of the woman.
What you believe about the nature of women will determine your attitude toward them.
One worldview says, women are the way they are because of sin. The female nature must be suppressed because it is evil.
The other worldview says, women are the way they are because it makes better men. Feral women is a consequence of weak men. The proper solution is to build stronger men.
It’s easy to call hypergamy a sin. When unrestrained, it can wreak a lot of havoc.
But what if hypergamy is simply the challenge designed by God to make stronger men?
I’m hesitant to call “sin” what was apparently designed by God.
I recently watched an eye-opening presentation by Rollo Tomassi. I’m adding this to my “things to teach my son” list.
You may have read some of Rollo’s writing on hypergamy and female hormone cycles, but he covers it in more depth here. It’s worth watching.
As I was watching this, it became apparent to me that women are not nearly as complicated as we’re led to believe. It’s just that the truth about women is suppressed and women are very different than men.
The big takeaway is this:
Women are cyclical and they have alternating cycles.
When we think of a man, we think of him in terms of his mission. What’s he trying to accomplish? Can he help me solve my problem? Can I help him solve his?
If you understand a man’s mission, you understand what he truly wants.
But if you try to handle a woman the same way as a man, it won’t work. Because what a woman truly wants is largely determined by her hormone cycles and sexual instincts (i.e. hypergamy.)
What she wants today won’t be the same thing she wants two weeks from now.
And she’ll get mad at you if you can’t figure this out.
But she’ll also get mad at you if you try to figure it out (i.e. studying the red pill.)
Confused yet? 🙂
Well, it’s not too complicated if you understand just one simple thing:
A woman’s biology was designed for making babies.
Even if she’s not consciously trying to make a baby now, her body is still rehearsing or reenacting that process of furthering the survival of her genetics.
It’s All About Survival…
Every month a woman goes through two major hormonal cycles: the follicular phase and the luteal phase. Each phase lasts two weeks.
The follicular phase is the “I need to get bred by a strong bull of a man” phase. She instinctively starts looking for masculine dominant traits that can provide her with a strong healthy baby during her brief few days of ovulation (the end of the follicular phase.)
Immediately after ovulation is the luteal phase. This is the “I need comfort and provision” phase. She might be pregnant now so she needs a man that’s going to stick around and take care of her.
So, to simplify:
Half the time, a woman wants a strong, dominant man… a survivor.
Half the time, a woman wants an understanding, comforting man… a provider.
So how can you tell what phase she’s in?
Other than directly tracking her period, here a few clues to pick up on:
If she’s nagging you and nitpicking over little things, she’s probably horny and frustrated that you’re not being more dominant.
If you just went from having great sex to wondering why she’s so worried all the sudden, she probably just ended her ovulation phase and is need of comfort.
If you have a hard time getting her in the mood, she’s probably in the comfort phase.
If she gets mad at you for messing up in the bedroom, she’s probably in the breeding phase and is frustrated by your lack of assertiveness.
If she’s getting emotional over random little things, she’s probably in the comfort phase.
If she’s dressed a little more provocative than usual, she’s asking to be bred.
If she’s really horny all the sudden and you don’t know why. Don’t ask questions. Just seize the moment!
So What’s a Man to Do With This?
Your optimal sexual strategy will depend on the hormonal phase your wife is in.
When she’s in the follicular phase, you’ll want to display your ability to survive and conquer. Practically speaking, this is when she’s going to be most attracted to the “Dark Triad” traits. I find Ivan Throne’s definitions most useful:
- Narcissism – absolute confidence in your future achievements
- Machiavellianism – the art of revealing (and concealing) your intentions
- Psychopathy – action without hesitation
In a sexual context, “narcissism” would mean having absolute confidence in your ability to satisfy a woman. (If you doubt your ability, you can learn.)
“Machiavellianism” would be the art of seduction. It won’t do you much good to just whip out your dick and tell your wife you’re ready to go. There’s a teasing process… concealing and revealing… all in the right timing.
“Psychopathy” would mean having no hesitation to take dominant action in the bedroom. A nice guy is afraid of getting too rough with a woman; he’s afraid of hurting or offending her… so he hesitates. A natural psychopath has no fear or pity so he breeds a woman like a raging bull. A trained “psychopath” can calculate risks ahead of time, ignore his fear, and take action without hesitation. (Disclaimer: don’t move too far out of her (or your) comfort zone at once. Just boldly push the edges.)
The Dark Triad Man is the man that women want to breed with. The Dark Triad Man is a survivor. He is a ruler. He can provide the quality seed that her body craves.
When She’s Not in the Mood…
When she’s in the luteal phase, the game changes.
It’s no longer about the primal “need for seed.” Now it’s about the relational and spiritual dimensions.
The rough and dominant breeding gives way to intimacy and comfort. The sexual act itself now becomes an act of comfort for her.
She kneels in the “shade” of your comforting “apple tree” to taste your fruit. You fill her up with your essence to remind her that she is yours. You remind her that the father of her children still has more to give her.
During this phase, her instincts revolve around comfort. So the sexual man must play according to this dynamic.
If she is anxious, comfort her with soft caresses.
If she is too comfortable to be aroused, create tension. Leave the house for awhile. Go work on a project. Make her wonder. Then give her validation in the bedroom.
A woman’s body instinctively knows that she needs the “alpha seed” in the next cycle. So a very light “dread game” will be effective in this phase. She may not feel horny, but her need for validation and comfort will drive her back to the bedroom. She doesn’t want to lose her man.
The difficult part for most men today is developing the alpha or “dark triad” traits. But without the alpha, the cycle is broken. There is no dance of dominance and comfort. There is only frustration and apologies. Or worse: cheating and lying.
But one of the most loving things a man can do for a woman today is to become hardened. Be more aggressive, less apologetic, less prone to pity. Even if your wife (and all of society) say otherwise.
If you need a good place to start, I recommend this:
It occurred to me while reading about the “Competitive Advantage Paradigm” that much of what applies to business markets also applies to sexual markets. There’s a reason it’s called the sexual marketplace.
I may develop this idea further in the future, but here are my notes on the topic so far:
- A man’s fundamental sexual asset is his genes, or his “seed.”. A man may have some genetic advantages and some genetic disadvantages. If women are considered the “market” there are different segments of that market. Each market segment has different displays of good genes that they value and seek out (e.g. athletic ability, creativity, street smarts, mechanical ability, etc.). A man has an advantage in those few areas where he can find an intersection of a genetic advantage and a group of women that value a display of that advantage.
- There are two sources of sexual competitive advantage a man can secure – (1) lowering his standards and courting a woman who does not normally receive attention from men, or (2) giving such a superior display of good genes that he outshines all other men in that segment of the market.
- Both forms of competitive advantage depend on the woman perceiving that the man is the “best she can get.”
- A man’s sexual advantage is relative to his competition in a specific niche. To use an analogy, it’s better to be a fish twice as big as all the other fish in a small pond than to be a bigger fish competing with other big fish in a larger pond.
- The ideal positioning for a man is to be the obvious alpha male (relatively speaking) in a group where the gap between women and eligible men is rapidly increasing (i.e. many women to one man).
- A man should avoid seeking mates in any arena where he doesn’t have a clear competitive advantage.
- Being the alpha male of a group becomes a competitive advantage in itself due to social proof. If a competitor wishes to displace the alpha, he must be offer something significantly superior to the current alpha’s offering. Being marginally better is not enough.
- For every lower “point” a man is willing to accept in the beauty scale, he increases his options a hundredfold. For example, when a man decides he is willing to mate with women he judges to be “7”s instead of just “8”s or “9”s, he immediately has more options.
- Being the alpha male in your niche is the only secure long-term advantage.
- But no position is ever entirely secure. New leaders can replace old leaders.
- Being the only alpha in your niche has a “network effect”. If a man’s objective sexual marketplace value is twice as high as his closest competitor, he will be subjectively be perceived to be more than twice as attractive by the women of the group. This attraction of other women serves to elevate his perceived value, which in turn attracts even more women. He will be perceived as “the king” by all the women of the group. By contrast, if a man has a close competitor, both men will be assessed by more practical and “objective” standards.
- A man will do best if he only (visibly) operates in activities where he has a large competitive advantage. All other activities which do not align to a man’s signature strengths should be ignored, outsourced to other men, performed with humor, or performed away from the presence of women.
The advantage of such a paradigm is obvious to single men looking to secure a woman. But there is also an advantage to men in a monogamous marriage: her attraction to you is still based on feeling like she’s the “lucky one.” She needs to see that you are clearly the best man within a particular niche.
I’m going to try to introduce a new idea that depends on a complex argument. This is a dangerous thing to do on the Internet. Yet I keep hoping it will work.
Here it goes…
I’m sure you’re familiar with Leviticus 18. It’s that passage you kept returning to as a teenage boy when mom and dad weren’t looking. It’s the one with the miscellaneous laws about sex. Stuff so perverted that it didn’t even cross your mind until you read it in the Bible.
Most Christians read Leviticus 18 and they only see restrictions. But, because we live in such a sexually retarded age, I think we miss the point. We don’t stop to consider why God might command such things.
We know from Genesis, that God is not a scarcity-minded God. He creates in abundance and he wants us to eat in abundance. He only adds sensible boundaries to protect us from harm as we go about enjoying the good things he created.
In the beginning, only one commandment was required: do not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. But this command assumed there would be an abundance of eating. So it was necessary to warn where the boundary was.
I believe this assumption, that God is graciously abundant and only gives sensible restrictions, is the key to understanding all of God’s commands. God is not giving these restrictions in Leviticus 18 because he wants to put a damper on sexual fun. He knows his children are sexual beings and He fully expects them to explore their sexual instincts.
But God also knows that, sooner or later, some dumbass is going to take a good instinct and do something depraved. Get enough dumb people doing dumb things and the whole culture goes into a downward spiral of one-upmanship depravity. This was the kind of culture Israel was going to be rubbing shoulders with. So God had to introduce some boundaries.
So I believe the proper frame for interpreting Leviticus 18 is not as a group of miscellaneous sexual restrictions. Rather, they should be seen as sensible boundaries to what are natural and (if I may dare say so) good sexual desires.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that most conservative Christians don’t have too much trouble avoiding bestiality and not sacrificing their children to Molech.
Christians today are far more likely to have problems with sexual suppression than with depraved heathen sexual expressions. But I think Leviticus 18 can be used to restore an understanding of healthy sexual instinct. Once you understand what the boundaries are, you can start filling in the picture.
So, enough yapping. Let’s get on to the good stuff…
Boundary Point #1: Incest (Lev 18:6-16)
The Desire: Women want to have sex with someone they are in a close familial relationship with, particularly with a male who protects and guides her. Robert Greene refers to this as “sexual regression” in The Art of Seduction. This is why terms like “daddy” and “princess” have strong erotic connotations to most women. It’s also why many men call their wife “babe.”
The Folly: This desire and erotic play is fine and dandy until some idiot decides it would be a good idea to knock up his grandaughter. Umm… no. That’s not good for the gene pool. Leave and cleave. Leave and cleave.
Boundary Point #2: Mother-Daughter / Sister “Threesomes” (Lev 18:17-18)
Hmm… not going to touch this one right now. Let’s just say it’s not a good idea to marry two women from the same family. It gave Jacob a lot of headaches.
Boundary Point #3: Menstruation (Lev 18:19)
The Desire: Women’s sexual desire is strongly tied to her hormonal cycles. When it’s “that time of month” a woman body wants nothing more than to get a baby inside her ASAP. As Rollo Tomassi has pointed out, this is the time of month when a man needs to get his alpha on and give her the rough breeding she craves.
The Folly: I’m not an expert on this, so correct me if I’m wrong. But my guess is that ancient heathen cultures understood there was a connection between female horniness and her blood flow. Someone probably got the idea that the best time to pound away was right in the middle of her flow. This probably resulted in “uncleanness” and perhaps was harmful to the woman.
Boundary Point #4: Adultery (Lev 18:20)
The Desire: A woman wants a man who is better than her and better than other men. She wants a strong man. She wants the best man she can get.
The Folly: Alpha males get the idea that they can go ahead and knock up any wife they want. Wives get the idea that it’s okay to cheat if her husband is a “loser.” Society becomes okay with it. Rather than getting their balls back, beta men settle for bad sex and an emasculated existence. They embrace cuckoldry as a sexual fetish. Family structure falls apart. Hmm.. this one actually sounds familiar…
Boundary Point #5: Child Sacrifice (Lev 18:21)
The Desire: Something valuable must be given up in order to bring forth life and blessings. In a healthy culture, the woman sacrifices her youthful nubile body in order to bring forth children. (In the right context, a man “deflowering” and “ruining” a young woman’s body so she can bear his children is an erotic sacrifice. Even to participate in the sexual act, a woman’s pristine body must endure some pain and be stretched in order to accommodate the man.)
The Folly: In a backwards culture, rather than sacrifice to bring forth children, the children are sacrificed in order to bring about or preserve supposed blessings. Hmm… this one sounds familiar too.
Boundary Point #6: Homosexual Sex (Lev 18:22)
The Desire: The phallus is the symbol of masculine potency and dominance. In arguably more sane cultures, it was revered. Even to this day, women have a subconscious need for seed and a desire to adore this sacred vessel of life.
The Folly: “Hey, if one phallus is so great, why not put two of them together? Double the masculine power, right?”
Boundary Point #7: Bestiality (Lev 18:23)
The Desire: A woman wants to be bred like a wild animal.
The Folly: It’s a bad idea to breed with an animal.
Well, those boundary points should give you a good outline of normal sexual desire. God understood these desires and placed sensible boundaries so that we wouldn’t do anything too stupid.
Conservative Christians tend to be experts on sexual sins. They have such an advanced understanding that they’ve even managed to invent several new sexual sins. But they tend to be ignorant about sexual desire.
As a married man, it would behoove you to spend more time exploring feminine sexuality rather than cataloging the various sexual sins of depraved heathens. No woman ever jumped into bed with a man because of his impressive knowledge of what wasn’t allowed.
I will feel like I’ve lived a life worth living if my writing can help men embrace the following two truths about life:
Truth #1: Women are easily deceived. A man should not trust a woman for advice.
Truth #2: A woman’s most powerful desire is to be bred and dominated by an alpha male.
Everything I write is really just theme and variation on those fundamental truths.
Coincidentally, you can approximate your rank (or potential rank) in the socio-sexual hierarchy based on how you responded to the above statements.
Alpha: **Shrugs and moves on.**
Beta: “Yes. I need to remember this.”
Delta: “I don’t know about that. I take advice from my wife all the time. She’s an intelligent woman. And a woman is not a sex object. You seem to be venturing into dangerous territory here.”
Gamma: “The socio-sexual hierarchy is based subjective judgments that have no scientific proof. I find it appalling that a blog that purports to give sex advice would force men into such arbitrary categories. Do you really think God would judge men by such standards? More likely, the author is simply trying to project an alpha persona to compensate for his insecurities. But he is clearly a poser who doesn’t know what he’s talking about. If he’s so alpha, why doesn’t he show a picture of his wife? Probably because she’s an ugly overweight cow. Ha! This guy is a joke.”
Omega: “Women are so stupid. Their suffering is well-deserved. Men are better off without them.”
Sigma: “Hmm… let me think about that…”
NOTE: This is an article I wrote about 8 months ago but forgot to publish. Other than a couple minor edits, I left it unaltered. I may visit this topic more in the future if I detect a need.
This article is intended to give husbands a new perspective on how they might help their wives heal from past sexual abuse.
I discovered this by accident (or by providence) one day while discussing Proverbs 5:19 with my wife. Surprisingly, I’ve never heard anything like this from any sexual abuse “specialists” (Christian or secular).
After five years of struggling to find a solution for my wife through counseling and therapy books, a spontaneous 20 minute conversation immediately flipped a switch of such powerful healing that I was baffled why it took me so long to find it. It certainly didn’t solve every practical problem at once, but it was a fundamental breakthrough unlike anything I had seen before. In retrospect, it seems obvious. But if you don’t know what to look for, it remains hidden.
In order to avoid revealing anything to personal and hopefully make the point more obvious, I’m going to explain what I discovered through an analogy that men might find more relatable.
Pretend that you’re living in an alternate world. This world is almost exactly like our own world except for one thing: Whenever men get together, a common conversation theme is how “repulsive” it is when women wear revealing clothing. But other than that one difference, everything else is the same. You still have the same biology and women still act and dress the same.
As a “sexually awakened” teenage boy in this alternate world, you begin to wonder if something is wrong with you. Based on the conversations you hear, you conclude that it is wrong to be aroused by seeing a woman’s cleavage or the curves of her body. After all, it is “disgusting.” You hear that “sex is good”… it’s just women’s body parts that are gross.
But you can’t help feeling the way you do. You get aroused by women’s body parts. What is wrong with you?
When you become a young adult you decide to marry. After all, marriage is good. It’s the only way your sexuality can be purified.
Unfortunately, your problems don’t go away. You are unable to become aroused enough to “do the deed.” It seems that the only way you can be turned on is when you see your wife’s body parts. But you know that is wrong. That’s part of your of your corrupted sexuality that needs to be put away. So you stuff it down and don’t give yourself any opportunity to act on it.
You begin to despair. Why is sex so difficult? What caused you to be this way?
After doing some research, you think you’ve found the answer. You were sexually abused. You’ve tried to repress the memory but it’s coming back to you now…
When you were a 12 years old, your aunt touched your penis. Actually, it was more than just a touch. You were confused. It awakened a thrilling sensation inside of you that you didn’t know your body was capable of. And yet, you knew it was wrong. Your brain couldn’t make sense of the experience. So you buried it.
But now you read that it’s common for boys who’ve been abused to have similar fantasies about women that you are having.
That must be it! You’re a victim. It’s not your fault.
Now if you can only heal from this past experience, you’ll be made a whole again… and all those gross fantasies you’ve been having about women’s bodies will go away.
The Hidden War on Women
I hope you can see the absurdity of this story. The boy was perfectly normal. His biology was simply functioning as it was created to. Even when his aunt inappropriately touched him, the excitement he felt was a natural response. And it certainly wasn’t this inappropriate touching that triggered his fantasies.
As absurd as the story may seem, this is exactly the sort of thing our society does to women. The only difference is women have a different sort of fantasy.
It’s well documented that “rape fantasies” are one of the most popular sexual fantasies among women. And yet our culture spends a disproportionate amount of time talking about how wrong it is for a man to “have his way” with a woman. A woman is not a “sex object” we say.
On the surface, this “anti-rape” hysteria seems to be an attack on men. But I’ve now come to believe it is primarily a subtle attack on women.
Imagine a woman growing up in such a culture while secretly having such sexual fantasies. She’s practically forced to respond in at least one of three ways:
- Accept that she’s broken beyond repair for some unknown reason
- Speak out against rape in attempt to signal to others and herself that she is “normal” (The SJW)
- Find some other person or event to blame for these “dirty” fantasies she has (The Victim)
Even when we try to help sexual abuse victims, in our naivity, we often do more harm than good. For what do we tell them? “What he did to you was wrong. You are NOT a sex object. You are a wonderful person.”
Yet the real message she receives is “Rape is bad. You’re a disgusting person for fantasizing about being a man’s sexual object. People think that you’re a good person so don’t let them know about these gross fantasies you’re having.”
But is this what the Scripture teaches?
Beastly Passion in the Bible
Consider Proverbs 5:19:
Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe;
let her breasts satisfy thee at all times;
and be thou ravished always with her love.
The scripture compares sexuality to an animal. Most modern translations hide the animal-like passion by saying a “graceful” doe… implying that the woman is to be elegant like some sort of fancy ball from a Jane Austin novel. But the Hebrew word used is chen which literally means to “find favor in the eyes of someone” (e.g. a sexually charged man.)
Dalrock described it well when he said the proverb is “exhorting husbands to approach their wives with the same kind of passion a rutting buck has for a doe.”
“Ravished” is translated from shagah. This is the same word used to describe someone who sins or strays from the right path without knowledge. The idea is that the wife is so irresistible to her husband that the husband literally loses control of himself without even realizing what he is doing, acting purely on instinct like the “rutting buck.”
“Always” is translated from tamiyd. This word is used to describe something that is constantly available. The same word is used to describe the “bread of the Presence” that the Lord commanded Israel to set before him in the tabernacle at all times. The idea is that the woman is available at anytime for her husband to ravish.
When this proverb is explained, it sounds an awful lot like a woman’s “rape fantasy.” It’s closer to a trashy erotic novel than the gentle “relationship-centered” sex found in marriage advice books.
Furthermore, it seems that the key to igniting this sexual passion is less about the man developing seduction skills and more about the woman embracing her fantasy for unbridled, almost rape-like sex.
If this is the case, the man is not responsible for getting his wife “in the mood.” Rather, he is to take responsibility for his wife’s well being by confronting her and showing her from the Scriptures that she has been deceived and needs to embrace her God-given sexuality…even if society says it’s wrong.
The Path to Healing
Yes, rape and sexual abuse is wrong. But not in the way our society tells us. It is not wrong because of the act itself. It is wrong because of the context. When it is done outside of a marriage, it is harmful.
But within the context of a marriage, there is no such thing as rape. As far as I can tell, God only gave us two rules to govern sexual passion:
- Don’t have sex with anyone who’s not your spouse
- Don’t do anything that might put your spouse in the hospital (as a general courtesy)
A woman’s “rape fantasies” are not unscriptural. In fact, they may be closer to the biblical model than anything else. A woman who’s been victimized through sexual abuse (and anti-rape propaganda) will not be healed until she recognizes and embraces her God-given sexual passion.
So if nothing else is working, try this path:
- Show your wife that it’s not demeaning to be a “sex object” (Proverbs 5:19)
- Teach her that there’s nothing wrong with having “rape fantasies”, and even to embrace them within the context of a marriage
- Teach her that what was done to her in the past was wrong, but there’s nothing wrong with her… her supposed “damaged” sexuality is a myth
- Teach her that even if she’s not a “Perfect 10”, that you are still turned on by her body. After all, you married her because you wanted to have sex with her!
- Teach her to take small steps to act out her sexuality towards you. This will drive out fear. (1 John 4:18)
- Remind her of the above truths whenever she falls into old habits and thoughts
While he’s certainly not assessing the situation from a biblical worldview, Dr. Lehmiller has a point:
Research has found that the U.S. states with the most abstinence-only programs actually have the highest rates of teen pregnancy ! What does work when it comes to sex education is a comprehensive approach—one that gives teenagers the information they truly need to know, which will enable them to establish safer and healthier sexual relationships. Research also reveals that comprehensive sex education is not only linked to lower rates of teen pregnancy , but also to lower rates of STI-risk behavior .
It’s also worth noting that abstinence-until-marriage programs are unrealistic in an era when the average age of first intercourse is 15-16, whereas the average age of first marriage is almost 30. Telling teens they should wait 15 years before they start having sex just isn’t a practical goal.
Our ancestors may not have been so backwards in marrying off girls in their teens. The reason we find the idea so repulsive today is because we have idolized “education” at the expense of sensible sexual strategy.
The “wait until marriage” mantra will never work when marriage seems so impossibly far away to a young girl in heat.
A man can learn a lot about female sexuality if he pays attention to pop music. It’s one of the few mediums where it’s culturally acceptable for a woman to express her true desires about sex.
Consider the ending of the song “Wild Ones” by Flo Rida with Sia:
I am a wild one, break me in
Saddle me up and lets begin
I am a wild one, tame me now
Running with wolves and I’m on the prowl
Show you another side of me
A side you would never thought you would see
Tear up that body dominate you til you had ‘nough
I hear you like the wild stuff
Hey I heard you were a wild one ooh
If I took you home, it’d be a home run
Show me how you’ll do
I want to shut down the club, with you
Hey I heard you like the wild ones (wild ones wild ones) ooh
I am a wild one break me in
Saddle me up and let’s begin
I am a wild one tame me now
Running with wolves and I’m on the prowl
Just because it’s a party song, doesn’t mean it’s not applicable to the marriage bed. Your wife has the same desires buried deep inside her.
The other week I wrote a post summarizing some of the common sex questions Christian wives are privately asking online.
Most of the questions centered around issues of guilt. I thought it’d be fun/useful/provocative to give my answers to each of the questions.
Q: Is using birth control and condoms inside of marriage a sin?
A: No. Do not add to the word of God. “Be fruitful and multiply” does not mean have as many children as you can as fast as humanly possible.
Exception: some forms of birth control destroy life after conception. Sometimes it is difficult to assess the effects of a birth control. Condoms are probably the safest bet in terms of conscience.
Q: Is masturbation a sin?
A: No. Do not add to the word of God.
Q: Is it a sin to have an erotic dream involving another man?
A: No. Do not add to the word of God.
Q: I can’t enjoy sex…
A: Ask her what she is thinking about while she is having sex. Get specifics.
Q: Is it a sin to have sexual thoughts about someone other than my husband?
A: No. Do not add to the word of God.
Exception: It is a sin to covet a man other than your husband. But this is different than fleeting sexual thoughts.
Q: Is it a sin to enjoy reading erotica?
A: No. Otherwise you couldn’t enjoy the Song of Songs.
Q: How can I deal with lusting after hot guys?
A: The modern concept of lust is different from the biblical concept of lust. She is probably just noticing physical features that women instinctively find attractive. But if it truly is sinful lust, the solution is simple: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9)
Q: I feel guilty because I privately fantasize about being raped…
A: “Rape” is modern term used to shame both men and women for natural sexual instincts. It is not wrong to have sexual fantasies about being roughly taken by a man. Do not add to the word of God.
Q: Need prayer to heal from the past…
A: Pray. But don’t allow her to continue to identify as a victim. There is (probably) nothing wrong with her physically. It’s all in her head. Help her to focus on positive aspects of sex (like the Song of Songs) rather than negative (like being a sexual abuse victim.)
Q: I have issues with attraction and fantasies towards women…
A: The Bible never condemns women for finding other women sexually attractive. The Song of Songs even encourages it (Song 6:13).