A noteworthy observation:
The more I’m away from the house, the more my wife wants to have sex with me.
Robert Greene’s Law of Power #16:
Use absence to increase respect and honor.
Or, to paraphrase King Solomon:
Let your foot be seldom in your [own] house, lest [she] have [her] fill of you and hate you. (Prov. 25:17)
The other day I got in a Twitter “fight” with some random girl named Sherry.
I’ve reproduced the argument below for instructive purposes. Comments are in brackets.
Tony Reinke: Al Mohler (June 2014): “If you get any report of any kind of sexual abuse, certainly involving a minor, you be committed before that ever happens, that before you leave that room you are going to dial 9-1-1 and you’re going to call for help.” [Virtue signaling]
JT: Translation: Always assume the man is guilty and turn the matter over to the secular courts. Hmm…
Sherry: He only said pastors aren’t qualified to investigate. Let the authorities do that. The ‘secular courts’ have presumption of innocence with burden of proof that has to be met. Not like the kangaroo courts we’ve seen in colleges where students can be railroaded with no defense.
JT: Perhaps you don’t know that it is shameful for Christians to go to court? (1 Cor 6)
Sherry: You can’t be serious to think there is a correlation between neighborhood litigation and sexual assault. Perhaps you don’t know that Christians are also sinners and commit crimes. Is this a parody account? [Both women and gamma males argue the same way: address an imaginary argument (“so you’re saying…”) rather than what was said. Then they attempt to change the topic with pseudo-logic and discredit the messenger.]
JT: Taking a sexual assault accusation to court is litigation by definition. Christians are called to use wisdom to judge each case fairly.
JT: Again, have you read 1 Corinthians 6?
Sherry: Yes I have and you’re definitely a joke.
Sherry: Christians are also called to follow the law.
JT: So turning a brother over to the court is following the law?
Sherry: I’m probably foolish to answer, but in this case Yes. @AlbertMohler is referring to sexual abuse. I stand by my first comment. 1 Cor 6 doesn’t apply. This isn’t a trivial or small matter to be handled between believers. Especially if a child is involved. [This is where she has given up. People who argue on an emotional level are quickly exhausted by logic. Also note the callout to @AlbertMohler. She is hoping a higher authority can affirm the opinion she cannot defend.]
JT: Sherry, you are allowing emotion to cloud your judgment. Just because a child is involved doesn’t automatically mean the man is guilty.
JT: 1 Cor 6 is a universal principle for all disputes between Christians. Each case must be examined with wisdom… without knee-jerk reactions
From what I can gather, there are three Christian goals to arguing:
- To shame opponents of truth into silence (Tit 2:8)
- To instruct a watching audience (Prov 19:25)
- To give the opponent opportunity to repent (2 Tim 2:25)*
My recent Twitter exchange inspired me to come up with a simple argument formula that Christians could use that I think meets all the above criteria:
- Decode the jargon – most opening statements from angry women and false teachers are nothing more than virtue signaling disguised with righteous sounding jargon. Decode the B.S. so that everyone can see the plain meaning.
- Have you not read? – call attention to the Scripture passage that corrects the false assumption. Phrasing it as a question makes it irresistible to the ego. No one wants to be ignorant. The intensity of the rhetoric here depends on the type of person you’re dealing with (e.g. man vs. woman, teacher vs. layman, educated vs. naive, etc.)
- Correct and dismiss the false argument – most of the time, you’ll be arguing with a gamma male or a woman. They won’t address your point and will almost without fail counter with a “so you’re saying…” line or something similar. Quickly correct and dismiss the false argument and immediately move to the next step.
- Restate the question. Go back to Step 2. Repeat Steps 3 & 4 if necessary.
* Note that the biblical concept of “gentleness” implies using strength. It’s an expression of power, but with reserve. In other words, only use as much strength as necessary for the situation.
A filter like this makes marriage a lot easier as a man.
NOTE: This is a summary & red pill application of the book Incognito, an excellent primer on how the human brain works.
This week I read a fascinating book about the subconscious mind.
This is a topic that I think many Christians are woefully ignorant of. Probably due to it’s negative association with Freud.
But advertisers, propagandists, and even the more intelligent teachers have known (at least through practice) about this stuff for decades. And now it is confirmed by recent neurological findings.
So if you’re not familiar with this stuff, buckle up and get ready for a mind trip…
I’ve summarized the big ideas below along with some application ideas for a red pill marriage.
Conscious thought is like the “national headlines” of a vast and complex economy.
Conscious thought is just the tip of the iceberg. If you truly want to help your wife change, you have to be aware of this vast economy of brain activity that she’s not even aware of.
We see what we expect to see
Take a look at the famous illusion below:
Do you see a glass… or two faces?
It depends on what you expect to see.
Your wife does not see things objectively (and neither do you). We see what we’ve been primed to see. This is why frame is everything. Changing the frame is the root of deception. Recovering the biblical frame is the key to freedom.
The brain pays attention to unexpected information
The brain attempts to construct a mental model of reality that will accurately predict what will happen next. So long as we can fit the facts into our model, our brain assumes everything is fine. But our brains pay extra close attention to mistakes (i.e. things that “don’t compute.”)
So if you want to change your wife’s mind, don’t communicate in ways that can be easily explained away (such as abstract rational arguments.) Use paradoxes. Make her feel confused. Show her examples that contradict her present beliefs. Even if she experiences some “cognitive dissonance” for a time, her brain will be forced to reconstruct her mental models.
The brain can learn complex, even inexplicable tasks with nothing more than “yes” or “no” feedback
Don’t worry about trying to explicitly explain how you want your wife to behave. Simply show signs of approval when she’s “good” and disapproval when she’s “bad.” Her subconscious mind will figure out the rest.
We are attracted to things and people that remind us of ourselves.
When conscious communication is necessary, always talk about ideas in terms of her interests. How is it going to make her more beautiful? More intelligent? A better mother? A better lover? etc.
People are more likely to believe and like what they’ve been exposed to before… even if they’re unaware of that exposure
If there’s something you want to do that would seem batsh*t crazy to her current worldview, “prime” her mind for a while so she’s exposed to the idea in indirect ways.
For example, if you want to live on a homestead and she’s a city girl, watch movies that incorporate rural settings. Get a painting of a beautiful rural landscape. Go to the fair and look at the animals. Start watching Little House on the Prairie when she’s around even if she’s not (initially) interested.
Even if her initial reaction is negative, the more exposure she has, the more she’ll warm up to the idea.
We get “gut feelings” about the right or wrong decision before we consciously decide
Hence the limited utility of reason in persuasion. She’s already made up her mind before you even talk. Reason is useful for helping people believe what they want to believe or for having discussions where intellectual curiosity is the frame. Don’t waste your time trying to reason with a woman under any other circumstances.
The conscious mind sets the goals… the subconscious mind learns how to meet them
One critical task of the husband is to set goals for his wife. Give her the why, the how, and the what (in that order.) If you don’t know how to communicate a vision, watch this.
Instincts do not need to be learned. They run so efficiently that we are not consciously aware of them
Women are not aware of their sexual instincts and their conscious thoughts will even contradict what her instincts want.
To put into to terms closer to home, you do not talk your wife into giving you blowjobs. You just put it front of her face, pull down her head, and let her instincts kick in.
The brain runs on multiple competing programs
Your wife’s brain is in a constant state of tension. She wants to have sex but doesn’t want to be slutty…yet she likes it when you call her one… yet it makes her feel dirty… yet she likes being a dirty girl… but is that a sin?… she doesn’t want to be bad… and yet if she’s bad, she might as well have fun… I DON’T KNOW, SOMEBODY SAVE ME FROM MYSELF!!!
Men are better at sorting out the brain’s conflicting programs than women. This is why she craves for you to make the decision for her. Always assume that she has several conflicting motives and desperately needs you to make a confident decision about what’s happening next.
The context determines whether people respond emotionally or rationally
Would you allow a train to run over one man for the sake of saving five men from getting ran over? Yes?
Would you deliberately push a fat man out of a boat to save the rest of the crew from sinking?
The net result is the same, but when it becomes personal, we make decisions based on emotion. The human brain cannot simultaneously hold a detached rational perspective and a personal emotional perspective at the same time.
As a husband, you need to be aware which frame is more advantageous for the situation. If she’s upset and feels like the current trial is too great to bear, a rational perspective is more helpful. But if she’s in a private investigator mode and demanding you reveal incriminating details (in her eyes), you’ll want to switch it to a personal frame as quickly as possible.
The rewards closer to now or more valued than those in the distant future
Many people think that those who work hard are sacrificing present pleasure for the sake of future gain. But that’s not how the brain works. The brain always maximizes present pleasure… whether that’s sensual pleasure or the pleasure of doing the wise thing or the pleasure of doing what others expect of you.
Distant rewards will not motivate. How can you make the present enjoyable? Or what false assumptions are preventing her from enjoying the present?
We can be easily convinced to give up control in exchange for protection against our future selves
Why do people allow the government to hold onto the money until tax returns? Why do we allow other people to manage our money? Why do people sign up for apps that will shame them on social media if they don’t do their habits?
It’s because we instinctively know that, at some point, we will do something stupid or lazy if left on our own.
Thus we prefer (or can be easily convinced) to give up some control to someone who can prevent us from making bad decisions.
This makes a good starting point for talking about submission. You are not asking her to submit because you want to hold her down. You’re asking her to submit because, as she knows, when she’s caught up in her emotions, she can make decisions that will hurt herself. Position yourself as the responsible adult that can protect her from her future self.
Our brain always invents stories to explain what we observe… often times, these stories are wrong
Something happens. She invents a story to explain it. But she’s not confident in her interpretation. You come in with a confident frame and “mansplain” what’s going on. She now believes your interpretation.
Secrets are unhealthy for the brain to conceal; they need to be released
A secret is essentially a perpetual mental state of holding two conflicting motivations: the desire to share what’s on the mind vs. aversion to sharing due to fear of hurting someone or being ostracized.
The husband can provide a non-judgmental context for his wife to confess her secrets. In many cases, he may need to probe and draw out the secrets. This is analogous to how God wants us to offer up our anxieties to him through prayer.
Simply saying aloud what’s going on in her head will free up mental energy to focus on more important things.
On the flip side, you can plant “secrets” into her head that can only be resolved by having sex. This is the foundation of erotic tension.
Perhaps the most remarkable red pill phenomenon I’ve witnessed in my life was the radical transformation of my mother after she and my step-dad divorced.
I grew up in various Pentecostal churches. While some were into the “end times” craze, my family never gave it much attention. My step-dad was always a “just the basics” kind of guy: saved by grace, show grace to others.
My mother, too, had always been more concerned with practical matters.
But all that changed after the divorce.
My mother met this guy who was a former undercover cop. He said during his career he had went deep into the inner layers of the Free Mason society and discovered many of their disturbing secrets.
The man believed he had a calling of God to be a prophet and preach the truth in the latter times when the “shit hit the fan.”
My mom went crazy for the guy. Married him months after the divorce. No ceremony. Just a quick trip to a judge.
The guy had a knack for coming up with novel ideas about a wide variety of topics and tying them in to biblical prophecy.
Every day, it was something new. A news story. A new insight from the Scripture. A new health discovery. Something novel every day.
Her new husband was her primary source of information and relief from boredom. Whatever he reported framed her worldview.
He claimed he could understand the “deeper meaning” behind the Greek Septuagint… so she accepted his interpretations as the authoritative Word of God.
He boldy claimed that the modern church was apostate… so she stopped listening to the preachers she used to listen to.
He showed her research on how pharmacy and food companies were poisoning us… so she denounced what she learned in college and her 20 years of experience as a nurse and adapted his philosophy.
Unlike my step-dad, who encouraged my mom to pursue whatever she wished, this guy kept a fairly tight reign on her, only allowing her to go out for pre-approved activities or meet with pre-approved people.
I don’t know much about their sex life, but my younger siblings overheard them one time and said all they could hear was a lot of “thumping.”
The guy also kept my mom busy. He had various health problems so she was always preparing him special food, running errands for him, doing chores on the mini-homestead.
Just a year or so into the marriage, my mom quit her high-paying government job so she could be home full-time with him.
Keep in mind, they have no children to take care of.
Nowadays, they spend their time bunkered down on their mini-homestead preparing for (his) vision of the end times.
I found the transformation remarkable because my mother was always stubbornly independent… even from her childhood. So to witness such a complete transformation in such a short period of time was remarkable.
Now, my point isn’t to judge the veracity of the guy’s claims. I just find it amazing that he was able to transform a woman so quickly.
It reminds me of something I read in Eric Hoffer’s True Believer, a book on the nature of mass movements:
It is a truism that many who join a rising revolutionary movement are attracted by the prospect of sudden and spectacular change in their conditions of life.
He then goes on to describe the difference between self-improvement and a mass movement:
The practical organization offers opportunities for self-advancement, and its appeal is mainly to self-interest. On the other hand, a mass movement, particularly in its active, revivalist phase, appeals not to those intent on bolstering and advancing a cherished self, but to those who crave to be rid of an unwanted self. A mass movement attracts and holds a following not because it can satisfy the desire for self-advancement, but because it can satisfy the passion for self-renunciation.
I’ve noticed that women rarely want to improve the current version of themselves. They want sudden change that allows them to get rid of a hated self.
Thus the appeal of feminism, fad diets, mysticism, and any other thing women go for.
But after observing my mother’s recent marriage, I realized that it is possible for a man to create a “mass movement” of his own within his own household. He only needs one convert: his wife.
It’s not entirely unlike creating a cult: you must draw her away from the world, cut off distracting influences, inspire her to be completely devoted to your cause… which of course should be the same as God’s cause.
I intend to study and experiment with this further and report my findings.
For now, pay attention to your wife’s actions and words:
Does she act out of self-assurance and a desire to improve herself?
Or does she reveal a self-loathing attitude and an aversion to improvement?
If the latter, she is ripe for a radical change… either one of your own devising or one devised by another man.
Here’s a practical way to test how smart you are.
A woman will often make demonstrably false statements about topics she is unqualified to judge. Furthermore, her argument will either have no point or her point won’t have any reason.
Don’t be fooled by the surface. She is not making an argument.
She is testing your intelligence.
Deep down in her loins, she wants you to intellectually humiliate her. This reassures her that she’s not married to an idiot.
While there’s different ways to demonstrate superior intelligence. Here’s one way to do it:*
- Ask her “what’s your point?” or “why?”
- Point out how she’s not qualified to have an accurate opinion
- Correct her
In situations like these, the point is not to change her mind. The point is to demonstrate that you’re smarter than her. No woman wants to be married to a man of inferior intelligence.
* Lest anyone think I’m being unfair to women, this is how you can challenge ANY one who spouts off nonsense, not just women. But men expect to have their opinions challenged so they normally have a good reason behind what they say. And men normally remain silent when they can’t back up their opinions. Women, on the other hand…
After many years of trying to understand women, I believe I’ve managed to distill what a woman wants down to just three simple words.
Why is a woman’s behavior so full of contradictions? For example…
- Date an alpha male and eventually get pregnant, knowing in advance that he’ll leave her to raise the child alone
- Become suddenly sexually aroused when other women are interested in her man, when she was repulsed by him earlier
- Try to change her husband, then get mad at him when he does change (and even leave him for a man like he first was)
Thanks to the red pill movement, we have the observations of thousands of men’s experiences with women. We’ve seen that certain patterns emerge and that women are more predictable than they’d like us to believe.
But if I may be so bold, I’d like to suggest that there is a single unifying theme that explains everything a woman does. It’s a single, subconcious but all-consuming desire:
Loss of control.
This explains everything about women. Or at least everything that I’m aware of.
- Fitness tests? She wants to see if you’re man enough to take control away from her.
- Comfort tests? She wants to know that you still have control (of her) and she won’t have to take it back
- 50 Shades of Gray? A highly dramatized tale of losing control
- Wild and rough sex? Basically like getting drunk
- A man with a plan? He who has the plan takes control over the clueless
- Working hard to earn approval? Whoever needs approval the most is under control of the one who gives it out
- Seeing other women interested in her man? She now longer has control over him… how arousing!
- Getting pregnant? She’s no longer an independent woman.
- etc. etc.
Drama, Pain, and Arousal
Now, I don’t think this “loss of control” observation is particularly novel. It’s just a summary of the findings of many years of PUA and red pill blogs.
But here’s where things get interesting…
Loss of control doesn’t happen instantaneously. And it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s a process that occurs in time and space.
In other words, it’s a story.
We know that women love stories. They love drama. And we know that every woman is the star of her own movie that’s playing in her head.
When you break it down, a story is simple. It contains three elements:*
- A desire (or goal)
- A character
- A conflict
That’s all you need to create a story. And women crave stories. Specifically, she craves a story (either real or imagined) where she is the “victim” who experiences a loss of control.
And how does this story of her losing control happen?
Well, there’s many ways it could happen, but there is one specific way that God prescribed for it to happen:
To the woman He said, “I will greatly increase your suffering and your childbearing; in pain shall you bear children. Yet your craving shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.“
-Genesis 3:16 (Tanach: The Stone Edition)
Outside of the Garden of Eden, a woman must experience pain to bring forth children. In fact, the central theme of a woman’s life is discomfort, either in bearing and raising children or in attracting a man to impregnate her.
Blackdragon wrote an excellent post detailing the many pains an ordinary woman must go through just to get through life. Here’s just a small sampling:
- Constantly worry about her weight. Multiply by 10 if she’s even a tiny bit overweight.
- Body image issues, oppressive religious upbringing, daddy issues, etc.
- Throwing up and other complications after getting pregnant (not to mention the unbearable pain of actually giving birth)
- Trying to lose baby fat after pregnancy… then it’s back to the above
- Constant guilt over wanting sex (“anti-slut defense”)
- Sleep deprivation due to needing 90 minutes to get ready in the morning
- As she approaches 30 she (appropriately) fears that she will never marry… or she realizes she’s stuck with a sexually repulsive man… or she worries her husband will lose interest in her
In other words, a woman’s life is a never ending flow of physical and emotion pain.
And all of this pain is either preparation for, or a result of having sex with a man. Not to mention that the sexual act itself involves at least some pain for the woman… for obvious mechanical reasons.
To put it bluntly, it is simply not sensible for a woman to have sex with a man. It only brings her pain.
And yet her body craves more than anything to be inseminated by an alpha male. This is the climax of her story. Him losing control of himself and unleashing his animal-like passion upon her body. And her, the helpless victim at the mercy of a man who is smarter and stronger than her in every way.
And therein lies the conflict. She knows she should resist and keep herself safe from pain. And yet she craves so badly to have a man wrestle that decision away from her.
And where there is conflict, there is emotion. And for a woman, emotion = arousal.
I believe the process of female arousal can be conceptualized like so (in this rather crude attempt at a table):
| ||Stage 1||Stage 2||Stage 3
|Theme||safety||(potential) pain or shame||loss of control
|Response||resistance to any change||arousal and confusion||climax and addiction
To illustrate, consider the following samples. If you’ve taken the red pill, you’ll intuitively know that these fantasies would arouse almost any woman:
(Warning: X-rated language follows)
Her church friends [safety] had no idea how much of a dirty slut she was [shame]. She knew it was wrong but she just couldn’t stop doing it. [loss of control/addiction.]
She tried to get her chores done [safety] but she couldn’t stay focused. She knew he would be mad when he got back from work. [shame]. When he returned home, he bent her over his knee and spanked her until she cried like a little girl [pain/loss of control]. Then he forced her to suck his cock to remind her who was in charge. [loss of control]
Her mother wanted her to pursue a career as a lawyer [safety]. But she secretly wanted nothing more than for her tight little body to get pounded and used by a dominant man. She wanted to carry his seed and get pregnant. [shame/pain]. She was so horny she could no longer focus on her studies. She spent all her free time reading impregnation fantasies online and masturbating. [loss of control]
The story can also be non-verbal and merely implied by the actions. For example…
Starting with “just the tip” [safety]. Then getting “rougher” [pain] until the bed starts violently rocking and creaking [loss of control].
Doing chores together [safety]. Then slapping her ass [pain] and pinning her against the wall and devouring her body [loss of control]
Giving her a massage [safety]. Then biting her ears [pain]. Then turning up the heat until you’re groaning like a animal in heat and she’s gasping for air [loss of control].
I believe it is through this arousal process that a woman’s pain is redeemed. It is what she craves more than anything else.
Too Long, Didn’t Read…
Here’s the big takeaway:
As Nice Guys, we’re conditioned to yield to a woman’s resistance. But we don’t realize that her resistance, and the potential pain that follows, is the key to her arousal.
Instead of backing down at resistance, that’s when the heat needs to be turned up. Tease her about how ashamed she’ll feel or how sore she’s going to be when she finally gives in to your will.
IF you, as a man, are strong enough (physically, emotionally, mentally) to take away her control…
Then she will become aroused by the thought of the potential pain she will experience as you pull her away from sensibility and safety into a complete loss of control.
(Read that last sentence a few times and ponder it. It’s weird. But, as best I can tell, it’s true.)
* Acknowledgement to Hollywood script consultant Michael Hauge for his insights into story structure. Though he should not be held responsible for my misogynistic applications of his ideas.
Desiring God delivers another fine specimen of effective anti-male propaganda:
“It is unkind to pressure your spouse for oral sex when he or she finds it unpleasant. Outdo each other in kindness.”
I almost find it admirable how clever these guilt-inducing statements are. It should be rather fun to dissect it.
First off, we have to realize who this message is addressed to.
Ask yourself this question:
How many married men in your local church do you know who is a true alpha male?
Can’t think of any?
Yeah, me neither.
Despite the stereotype of the high-testosterone domineering Christian husband, you’ll rarely find one.
What you’ll find instead is a multitude of “nice guys.” Men who have been trained since youth to seek the approval of women.
If you’ve ever read No More Mr. Nice Guy, you know that “nice guys” constantly worry about not being seen as “selfish.” So framing oral sex as selfish appeals perfectly to the Nice Guy’s insecurities.
Furthermore, the last thing a Nice Guy wants to do is “pressure” anybody to do anything. There’s an entire industry of training programs designed to help nice guys sell without using “sales pressure” and get dates without having to “be a jerk.” *
Nice Guys never want to rock the boat and live for the approval of others. A Nice Guy will have no trouble believing it’s selfish to “pressure” a woman into doing a sexual act.
DG then covers their tracks by adding the “he or she” statement. Always exaggerate the exceptions to make the problem appear egalitarian.
Finally, DG once again displays a complete ignorance of female sexuality.
According to a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, over 70% of women fantasize about performing oral sex on a man.
Furthermore, a woman can be sexually aroused by almost anything. If something is acceptable to her culture and/or if an alpha male is directing her, a woman will be down with just about anything. (This is probably why so much ancient wisdom warns husbands to keep a close watch over their wives.)
But this sexual “fluidity” is also good news for husbands. Just because she won’t do something today, doesn’t mean she won’t be thrilled to do it under the right conditions.
As far as I can tell, there are four reasons a wife would not want to perform oral:
- Stinky crotch or foul-tasting semen (due to poor hygiene or bad diet)
- No emotional meaning given to the act (she sees it just as something gross they do in porn)
- She associates it with “sin” due to her religious background or past sexual experiences
- Her man has not yet successfully passed her “shit tests” and thus she is not ready to submit to him sexually
Finally, DG closes with a classic use of pseudo-Scripture. “Outdo each other in kindness” sounds like something that would come from the Bible, but it’s not. The correct text is:
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;
The Greek word translated into honor is time, which means “what has value in the eyes of the beholder.”
“Kindness” could be an acceptable word if you truly are thinking about what the other person needs and values.
But when a Nice Guy hears “kindness”, he doesn’t think “what does a woman need sexually?” Instead, he thinks “I work so hard and help out around the house. Why won’t she return the favor?!”
If you truly want to honor your wife, you’ll work on developing the masculine attributes that she needs. For most of us, that means being more dominant.
Increase your dominance, and giving you head becomes her pleasure… not something you have to “pressure” her to do.
* The alternative to “no pressure” is not “high pressure” (which is needy) but rather declaring what you want and being outcome independent.
A confused man asks for advice:
I need help because I am beyond confused and do not know what to do or how to approach the issue. I have been married for about 2 months now and have dated my wife for about 3 years. I’ve known for a long time that she has a fairly short fuse but it wasn’t often that she was angry with me prior to getting married. But since getting married it seems she gets very irritated with me 3-4 times per week. 90% of the time I don’t know why she’s mad and many times she gets mad over the most miniscule of things. On our honeymoon, I was driving and she wanted my to pull over to take a picture of something but there were about ten cars behind me and no shoulder on the side of the road so I just kept going. She was upset with me for for several hours after that. Later on that drive, I accidentally hit a bump in the road while she was trying to snap a picture and she got upset by that. Everything has to be perfect. I try to help her with things but if I’m not doing something exactly the way she wants then she gets upset and tells me to stop and she’ll do it herself. I know I have my faults but I treat her right, I can’t recall ever raising my voice in anger or talking down to her. I have a tough time expressing my feelings and don’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her how I feel. I am extremely scared that we won’t make it because I love her with every fiber of my being but lately I feel that she doesn’t even like me or that I’m just in the way. I didn’t have a very loving childhood. Nothing was ever good enough and was always getting yelled at. I was a damn good kid, stayed out of trouble, made good grades. If I made a 95 on a test I never heard “I’m proud of you or good job,” all I heard was “why didn’t you make a higher grade.” My initial reaction is to shut down and not want to talk because I don’t like confrontation and conflict. I know there is no way around it but to tell her how this makes me feel but I don’t know exactly how to approach it because I don’t want to hurt her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Women will be women. You really don’t have any direct control over her emotions.
One of the worst things you can do in a situation like this is to assume that it is your fault. If you think it’s your fault, you’ll naturally adopt an apologetic posture. And there’s few things more repulsive to a woman than a man who’s always screwing up and apologizing.
Unless you’re refusing to work, getting drunk off your ass, or refusing to have sex with her… there’s probably never a good reason to apologize to your wife. (Well, maybe if you accidentally step on her foot or something.)
You need to get some perspective on the situation:
If a woman (or anyone) is getting angry over miniscule things she is, by biblical definition, being a fool:
Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.
The Bible gives provides a strategy for dealing with foolish people:
Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
Or you will also be like him.
Answer a fool as his folly deserves,
That he not be wise in his own eyes.
So if your wife is being petulant, you do not want to play by her rules. This will only validate her foolish behavior in her eyes. She will simply suck you into her drama until you start acting like a fool as well.
It’s like the old saying:
Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty, but the pig likes it.
Instead, you want to answer her “as her folly deserves.”
This is where you have to make a judgment call. What is the appropriate response? It will depend upon the situation.
Perhaps you just ignore her and walk away. Perhaps you take the High Ground Maneuver. Perhaps you use ridiculous exaggeration to help her see how foolish she’s being.
But whatever tactic you use, you never want to leave her feeling “wise in her own eyes.”
If you apologize to her, you’re validating her frame.
If she apologizes to you, you have won the frame.
If neither of you apologizes, you’re locked in a stalemate and you may need to rethink your strategy.
See this as an opportunity to teach her to grow up. Behind every tantrum is a frightened and hurt little girl secretly longing for a strong man / “daddy” figure to guide her.
Be that strong man. God gave you balls for a reason.
God is on the side of the righteous man. Never be afraid to lose your wife on account of obeying God.
If you focus on “saving the marriage” you might lose your wife. If you focus on obeying God, you’ll probably never lose her.
Disclaimer for the Dimwitted: I’m not saying women are pigs. I’m only saying arguing with a woman bears some resemblance to pig wrestling.
We all know that women can act childish at times.
Contrary to popular “Christian” marriage counseling, attempting to compromise in these situations is about the worst thing you can do.
She needs a grown up, not another child to get swept up in her drama.
So here’s a quick “grab bag” of phrases you can use to show her that you’re the grown up in the relationship.
When she attacks a clear mistake you made:
“Yes, I made a mistake. I processed it. I learned what to do better next time. And I’m moving on. Because that’s what grown ups do.”
When she complains about you not doing enough of something:
“Well, I’m not perfect, dear. But what I try to do is focus first and foremost on the core duties God has laid out for me in the Bible. Then, over time, all the other stuff will come together.”
When she’s behaving in an unattractive way:
“I don’t like to see you like this. Is this really the kind of person you want to be?”
When she can’t make a decision:
“You can either do [A] and [consequence.] Or you can do [B] and [consequence]. I recommend [B].”
When she had an upsetting experience:
[Explanation of how the world works] + [assurance that it works out in the end].
e.g. “Sometimes certain personalities just don’t click with each other and there’s not anything you can do about it. But there’s lots of people in the world we’ll never be friends with yet we can still have a happy life.”
When she begrudgingly or sarcastically asks for your advice:
“Well, the smart way to do it is…”
When she’s getting herself worked up:
“Let’s take a step back and…”
When she asks for details you know will only upset her:
“It’s being taken care of. What I want us to focus on right now is [the more important relationship involved].”
e.g. “The money’s on the way. What I want us to focus on right now is making sure the kids are taken care of.”
When you need to correct her behavior without causing drama:
“Often times when [general situation], we will [general response]. But what we really need to do is [wisdom principle.]”
e.g. “Often times, when we hear a teaching about the Bible we don’t like, we have a knee-jerk reaction against it. But what we really need to do is take a step back and pray about it. We ask God for wisdom. Is it something wrong with the teaching or with our own tradition and belief?”
When she’s being stubborn:
“Go ahead with your [foolish behavior]. And when you are ready to [choose wisdom], I will be here to help.”
e.g. “Go ahead and hold your grudge. And when you are ready to have a calm discussion, I’ll be ready to talk.”
These are examples of what Scott Adams calls the “High Ground Maneuver.” You become the wise adult in the room. She must either become an adult too or (shamefully) persist in her childish behavior.