After many years of trying to understand women, I believe I’ve managed to distill what a woman wants down to just three simple words.
Why is a woman’s behavior so full of contradictions? For example…
- Date an alpha male and eventually get pregnant, knowing in advance that he’ll leave her to raise the child alone
- Become suddenly sexually aroused when other women are interested in her man, when she was repulsed by him earlier
- Try to change her husband, then get mad at him when he does change (and even leave him for a man like he first was)
Thanks to the red pill movement, we have the observations of thousands of men’s experiences with women. We’ve seen that certain patterns emerge and that women are more predictable than they’d like us to believe.
But if I may be so bold, I’d like to suggest that there is a single unifying theme that explains everything a woman does. It’s a single, subconcious but all-consuming desire:
Loss of control.
This explains everything about women. Or at least everything that I’m aware of.
- Fitness tests? She wants to see if you’re man enough to take control away from her.
- Comfort tests? She wants to know that you still have control (of her) and she won’t have to take it back
- 50 Shades of Gray? A highly dramatized tale of losing control
- Wild and rough sex? Basically like getting drunk
- A man with a plan? He who has the plan takes control over the clueless
- Working hard to earn approval? Whoever needs approval the most is under control of the one who gives it out
- Seeing other women interested in her man? She now longer has control over him… how arousing!
- Getting pregnant? She’s no longer an independent woman.
- etc. etc.
Drama, Pain, and Arousal
Now, I don’t think this “loss of control” observation is particularly novel. It’s just a summary of the findings of many years of PUA and red pill blogs.
But here’s where things get interesting…
Loss of control doesn’t happen instantaneously. And it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s a process that occurs in time and space.
In other words, it’s a story.
We know that women love stories. They love drama. And we know that every woman is the star of her own movie that’s playing in her head.
When you break it down, a story is simple. It contains three elements:*
- A desire (or goal)
- A character
- A conflict
That’s all you need to create a story. And women crave stories. Specifically, she craves a story (either real or imagined) where she is the “victim” who experiences a loss of control.
And how does this story of her losing control happen?
Well, there’s many ways it could happen, but there is one specific way that God prescribed for it to happen:
To the woman He said, “I will greatly increase your suffering and your childbearing; in pain shall you bear children. Yet your craving shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.“
-Genesis 3:16 (Tanach: The Stone Edition)
Outside of the Garden of Eden, a woman must experience pain to bring forth children. In fact, the central theme of a woman’s life is discomfort, either in bearing and raising children or in attracting a man to impregnate her.
Blackdragon wrote an excellent post detailing the many pains an ordinary woman must go through just to get through life. Here’s just a small sampling:
- Constantly worry about her weight. Multiply by 10 if she’s even a tiny bit overweight.
- Body image issues, oppressive religious upbringing, daddy issues, etc.
- Throwing up and other complications after getting pregnant (not to mention the unbearable pain of actually giving birth)
- Trying to lose baby fat after pregnancy… then it’s back to the above
- Constant guilt over wanting sex (“anti-slut defense”)
- Sleep deprivation due to needing 90 minutes to get ready in the morning
- As she approaches 30 she (appropriately) fears that she will never marry… or she realizes she’s stuck with a sexually repulsive man… or she worries her husband will lose interest in her
In other words, a woman’s life is a never ending flow of physical and emotion pain.
And all of this pain is either preparation for, or a result of having sex with a man. Not to mention that the sexual act itself involves at least some pain for the woman… for obvious mechanical reasons.
To put it bluntly, it is simply not sensible for a woman to have sex with a man. It only brings her pain.
And yet her body craves more than anything to be inseminated by an alpha male. This is the climax of her story. Him losing control of himself and unleashing his animal-like passion upon her body. And her, the helpless victim at the mercy of a man who is smarter and stronger than her in every way.
And therein lies the conflict. She knows she should resist and keep herself safe from pain. And yet she craves so badly to have a man wrestle that decision away from her.
And where there is conflict, there is emotion. And for a woman, emotion = arousal.
I believe the process of female arousal can be conceptualized like so (in this rather crude attempt at a table):
| ||Stage 1||Stage 2||Stage 3
|Theme||safety||(potential) pain or shame||loss of control
|Response||resistance to any change||arousal and confusion||climax and addiction
To illustrate, consider the following samples. If you’ve taken the red pill, you’ll intuitively know that these fantasies would arouse almost any woman:
(Warning: X-rated language follows)
Her church friends [safety] had no idea how much of a dirty slut she was [shame]. She knew it was wrong but she just couldn’t stop doing it. [loss of control/addiction.]
She tried to get her chores done [safety] but she couldn’t stay focused. She knew he would be mad when he got back from work. [shame]. When he returned home, he bent her over his knee and spanked her until she cried like a little girl [pain/loss of control]. Then he forced her to suck his cock to remind her who was in charge. [loss of control]
Her mother wanted her to pursue a career as a lawyer [safety]. But she secretly wanted nothing more than for her tight little body to get pounded and used by a dominant man. She wanted to carry his seed and get pregnant. [shame/pain]. She was so horny she could no longer focus on her studies. She spent all her free time reading impregnation fantasies online and masturbating. [loss of control]
The story can also be non-verbal and merely implied by the actions. For example…
Starting with “just the tip” [safety]. Then getting “rougher” [pain] until the bed starts violently rocking and creaking [loss of control].
Doing chores together [safety]. Then slapping her ass [pain] and pinning her against the wall and devouring her body [loss of control]
Giving her a massage [safety]. Then biting her ears [pain]. Then turning up the heat until you’re groaning like a animal in heat and she’s gasping for air [loss of control].
I believe it is through this arousal process that a woman’s pain is redeemed. It is what she craves more than anything else.
Too Long, Didn’t Read…
Here’s the big takeaway:
As Nice Guys, we’re conditioned to yield to a woman’s resistance. But we don’t realize that her resistance, and the potential pain that follows, is the key to her arousal.
Instead of backing down at resistance, that’s when the heat needs to be turned up. Tease her about how ashamed she’ll feel or how sore she’s going to be when she finally gives in to your will.
IF you, as a man, are strong enough (physically, emotionally, mentally) to take away her control…
Then she will become aroused by the thought of the potential pain she will experience as you pull her away from sensibility and safety into a complete loss of control.
(Read that last sentence a few times and ponder it. It’s weird. But, as best I can tell, it’s true.)
* Acknowledgement to Hollywood script consultant Michael Hauge for his insights into story structure. Though he should not be held responsible for my misogynistic applications of his ideas.
Desiring God delivers another fine specimen of effective anti-male propaganda:
“It is unkind to pressure your spouse for oral sex when he or she finds it unpleasant. Outdo each other in kindness.”
I almost find it admirable how clever these guilt-inducing statements are. It should be rather fun to dissect it.
First off, we have to realize who this message is addressed to.
Ask yourself this question:
How many married men in your local church do you know who is a true alpha male?
Can’t think of any?
Yeah, me neither.
Despite the stereotype of the high-testosterone domineering Christian husband, you’ll rarely find one.
What you’ll find instead is a multitude of “nice guys.” Men who have been trained since youth to seek the approval of women.
If you’ve ever read No More Mr. Nice Guy, you know that “nice guys” constantly worry about not being seen as “selfish.” So framing oral sex as selfish appeals perfectly to the Nice Guy’s insecurities.
Furthermore, the last thing a Nice Guy wants to do is “pressure” anybody to do anything. There’s an entire industry of training programs designed to help nice guys sell without using “sales pressure” and get dates without having to “be a jerk.” *
Nice Guys never want to rock the boat and live for the approval of others. A Nice Guy will have no trouble believing it’s selfish to “pressure” a woman into doing a sexual act.
DG then covers their tracks by adding the “he or she” statement. Always exaggerate the exceptions to make the problem appear egalitarian.
Finally, DG once again displays a complete ignorance of female sexuality.
According to a study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, over 70% of women fantasize about performing oral sex on a man.
Furthermore, a woman can be sexually aroused by almost anything. If something is acceptable to her culture and/or if an alpha male is directing her, a woman will be down with just about anything. (This is probably why so much ancient wisdom warns husbands to keep a close watch over their wives.)
But this sexual “fluidity” is also good news for husbands. Just because she won’t do something today, doesn’t mean she won’t be thrilled to do it under the right conditions.
As far as I can tell, there are four reasons a wife would not want to perform oral:
- Stinky crotch or foul-tasting semen (due to poor hygiene or bad diet)
- No emotional meaning given to the act (she sees it just as something gross they do in porn)
- She associates it with “sin” due to her religious background or past sexual experiences
- Her man has not yet successfully passed her “shit tests” and thus she is not ready to submit to him sexually
Finally, DG closes with a classic use of pseudo-Scripture. “Outdo each other in kindness” sounds like something that would come from the Bible, but it’s not. The correct text is:
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor;
The Greek word translated into honor is time, which means “what has value in the eyes of the beholder.”
“Kindness” could be an acceptable word if you truly are thinking about what the other person needs and values.
But when a Nice Guy hears “kindness”, he doesn’t think “what does a woman need sexually?” Instead, he thinks “I work so hard and help out around the house. Why won’t she return the favor?!”
If you truly want to honor your wife, you’ll work on developing the masculine attributes that she needs. For most of us, that means being more dominant.
Increase your dominance, and giving you head becomes her pleasure… not something you have to “pressure” her to do.
* The alternative to “no pressure” is not “high pressure” (which is needy) but rather declaring what you want and being outcome independent.
A confused man asks for advice:
I need help because I am beyond confused and do not know what to do or how to approach the issue. I have been married for about 2 months now and have dated my wife for about 3 years. I’ve known for a long time that she has a fairly short fuse but it wasn’t often that she was angry with me prior to getting married. But since getting married it seems she gets very irritated with me 3-4 times per week. 90% of the time I don’t know why she’s mad and many times she gets mad over the most miniscule of things. On our honeymoon, I was driving and she wanted my to pull over to take a picture of something but there were about ten cars behind me and no shoulder on the side of the road so I just kept going. She was upset with me for for several hours after that. Later on that drive, I accidentally hit a bump in the road while she was trying to snap a picture and she got upset by that. Everything has to be perfect. I try to help her with things but if I’m not doing something exactly the way she wants then she gets upset and tells me to stop and she’ll do it herself. I know I have my faults but I treat her right, I can’t recall ever raising my voice in anger or talking down to her. I have a tough time expressing my feelings and don’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her how I feel. I am extremely scared that we won’t make it because I love her with every fiber of my being but lately I feel that she doesn’t even like me or that I’m just in the way. I didn’t have a very loving childhood. Nothing was ever good enough and was always getting yelled at. I was a damn good kid, stayed out of trouble, made good grades. If I made a 95 on a test I never heard “I’m proud of you or good job,” all I heard was “why didn’t you make a higher grade.” My initial reaction is to shut down and not want to talk because I don’t like confrontation and conflict. I know there is no way around it but to tell her how this makes me feel but I don’t know exactly how to approach it because I don’t want to hurt her. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Women will be women. You really don’t have any direct control over her emotions.
One of the worst things you can do in a situation like this is to assume that it is your fault. If you think it’s your fault, you’ll naturally adopt an apologetic posture. And there’s few things more repulsive to a woman than a man who’s always screwing up and apologizing.
Unless you’re refusing to work, getting drunk off your ass, or refusing to have sex with her… there’s probably never a good reason to apologize to your wife. (Well, maybe if you accidentally step on her foot or something.)
You need to get some perspective on the situation:
If a woman (or anyone) is getting angry over miniscule things she is, by biblical definition, being a fool:
Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.
The Bible gives provides a strategy for dealing with foolish people:
Do not answer a fool according to his folly,
Or you will also be like him.
Answer a fool as his folly deserves,
That he not be wise in his own eyes.
So if your wife is being petulant, you do not want to play by her rules. This will only validate her foolish behavior in her eyes. She will simply suck you into her drama until you start acting like a fool as well.
It’s like the old saying:
Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty, but the pig likes it.
Instead, you want to answer her “as her folly deserves.”
This is where you have to make a judgment call. What is the appropriate response? It will depend upon the situation.
Perhaps you just ignore her and walk away. Perhaps you take the High Ground Maneuver. Perhaps you use ridiculous exaggeration to help her see how foolish she’s being.
But whatever tactic you use, you never want to leave her feeling “wise in her own eyes.”
If you apologize to her, you’re validating her frame.
If she apologizes to you, you have won the frame.
If neither of you apologizes, you’re locked in a stalemate and you may need to rethink your strategy.
See this as an opportunity to teach her to grow up. Behind every tantrum is a frightened and hurt little girl secretly longing for a strong man / “daddy” figure to guide her.
Be that strong man. God gave you balls for a reason.
God is on the side of the righteous man. Never be afraid to lose your wife on account of obeying God.
If you focus on “saving the marriage” you might lose your wife. If you focus on obeying God, you’ll probably never lose her.
Disclaimer for the Dimwitted: I’m not saying women are pigs. I’m only saying arguing with a woman bears some resemblance to pig wrestling.
We all know that women can act childish at times.
Contrary to popular “Christian” marriage counseling, attempting to compromise in these situations is about the worst thing you can do.
She needs a grown up, not another child to get swept up in her drama.
So here’s a quick “grab bag” of phrases you can use to show her that you’re the grown up in the relationship.
When she attacks a clear mistake you made:
“Yes, I made a mistake. I processed it. I learned what to do better next time. And I’m moving on. Because that’s what grown ups do.”
When she complains about you not doing enough of something:
“Well, I’m not perfect, dear. But what I try to do is focus first and foremost on the core duties God has laid out for me in the Bible. Then, over time, all the other stuff will come together.”
When she’s behaving in an unattractive way:
“I don’t like to see you like this. Is this really the kind of person you want to be?”
When she can’t make a decision:
“You can either do [A] and [consequence.] Or you can do [B] and [consequence]. I recommend [B].”
When she had an upsetting experience:
[Explanation of how the world works] + [assurance that it works out in the end].
e.g. “Sometimes certain personalities just don’t click with each other and there’s not anything you can do about it. But there’s lots of people in the world we’ll never be friends with yet we can still have a happy life.”
When she begrudgingly or sarcastically asks for your advice:
“Well, the smart way to do it is…”
When she’s getting herself worked up:
“Let’s take a step back and…”
When she asks for details you know will only upset her:
“It’s being taken care of. What I want us to focus on right now is [the more important relationship involved].”
e.g. “The money’s on the way. What I want us to focus on right now is making sure the kids are taken care of.”
When you need to correct her behavior without causing drama:
“Often times when [general situation], we will [general response]. But what we really need to do is [wisdom principle.]”
e.g. “Often times, when we hear a teaching about the Bible we don’t like, we have a knee-jerk reaction against it. But what we really need to do is take a step back and pray about it. We ask God for wisdom. Is it something wrong with the teaching or with our own tradition and belief?”
When she’s being stubborn:
“Go ahead with your [foolish behavior]. And when you are ready to [choose wisdom], I will be here to help.”
e.g. “Go ahead and hold your grudge. And when you are ready to have a calm discussion, I’ll be ready to talk.”
These are examples of what Scott Adams calls the “High Ground Maneuver.” You become the wise adult in the room. She must either become an adult too or (shamefully) persist in her childish behavior.
If you’ve been reading this blog or are familiar with red pill philosophy, you know that women crave to be dominated by a strong man.
But once you have that vision in your head… when you can imagine yourself dominating her in the bedroom… how do you get started?
You know she’d probably not take you seriously if you tried to jump into kinky stuff right away. So how can an unplugged “nice guy” start acting more alpha without freaking out his wife?
Thankfully, I found a great guide to doing just this on Jack Murphy’s blog. He covers four beginner techniques for dominance. I’m going to give my own take on them below but I recommend reading the original post as well.
Technique #1: Handling Business
As I’ve written before, imagining that your wife is a child is often the simplest way to get in the right frame of mind for dominance. In this case, you want to take care of all the “grown up business” on her behalf.
When you go to a restaurant, you ask what she wants beforehand and order her food for her. If you need to negotiate with your landlord, you handle it. If she wants to invite a new family over for dinner, you make the invitation. Any social situation that a child would consider “scary”, you handle it for her.
This will subconsciously train her to follow your lead in other areas. She accepts you as being the leader.
Technique #2: Aggressive Sex Talk
You want to change your vocabulary on how you talk about sex. Replace wimpy words with masculine ones.
Jack recommends using the phrase “Are you ready get fucked?” before having sex. If that phrase is too intense for starters, you can try milder versions like “are you ready for the beast to be unleashed?” “I feel like a bull in heat. It’s time to mate.” etc.
Even if it’s semi-humorous or you’re not really doing anything too crazy in the bedroom yet, that’s fine. The point is to get her mind thinking in primal terms. She is going to be fucked. You are going to consume her body with animal-like passion.
Don’t worry if she’s uncomfortable with the language at first. She’ll get used to it if you stick with it. And she’ll enjoy being the object of your beastly passions.
Technique #3: Sex as Therapy
There is no better time to condition your woman’s behavior than when she has your cock in her mouth. There is something profoundly emotional about this experience for a woman that I don’t think men can fully understand.
You want to use this time to reinforce good behavior. Tell how she’s being such a good housewife. Tell her how you like how hard she works to please you. Tell her she’s beautiful. Tell her your proud of her. Teach her about the beauty of submission. Stuff like that.
Even if she isn’t ready to do oral yet (some women have hang-ups due to bad associations), you can still give her “therapy” while she’s giving you a handjob or during intercourse. The bedroom is the best place for sanctification!
Technique #4: The King’s Embrace
“Let his left hand be under my head And his right hand embrace me.”
(Song of Solomon 2:6)
Cool. Now go check out the blog post and read it carefully. It’s for your happiness… and hers.
The way I see it, a woman is always in one of three states.
The “good girl” state means she’s being pleasant, feminine, and even flirtatious. This is the “loving doe” state that every man desires of his woman.
The “bad girl” state means she is being defiant. She is not submitting to your headship and is generally making life difficult.
The “sad girl” state means she has the “bad feelz.” She is hung up on some detail that causes her to forget how good her life really is. If not handled properly, a “sad girl” can often turn into a “bad girl.”
What a lot of guys don’t realize is that sex is always the proper resolution to any state a woman is in. If a man can master each of these frames, he will master his woman.
Below, I’ve given a basic outline of each type of sex in the form of three dialogues, one for each state. For clarity, I’ve stripped out all the nuances. It’s written as if the man and woman simply spoke in logical propositions. In addition to being kinda humorous, I hope it will make the escalation process clear.
Good Girl Sex
You: “See how much better I am than other guys? You want to nurture my seed, don’t you?”
Her: “Yes I do. Let me do something sexy to win your attention.”
You: “That’s a good girl. Let’s talk about sex.”
Her: “Yes. I like this. Kiss me.”
You: “Now it is time for action. You will assume a submissive position of my choosing.”
Her: “Yes, sir.”
You: “This is what you’re going to think about while I fuck you.”
Her: “Yes, sir.”
You: “Let me check your fluids and make sure you’re ready.”
Her: “I am ready.”
You: “I’m going to use your body entirely for my pleasure like an animal. That’s what you want, isn’t it?”
Her: “Yes, sir.”
You: “I’m losing control of myself now.”
Her: “Oh, yes!”
Repeat ad infinitum. Mask the obvious with clever variations. Use physical “force” when appropriate.
Bad Girl Sex
Her: “I’m being defiant and bossy for no apparent reason.”
You: “Is this the kind of person you want to be? I’m disappointed that you would treat your own husband this way. We can talk after you’ve changed your attitude.”
Her: “I’m sorry.”
You: “Show me.”
Her: “Yes, sir.”
You: “That’s a good girl. Now get on the bed. I need to teach you a lesson so you remember who’s in charge.”
Her: “Yes, sir.”
You: “This is what you needed, isn’t it? You gonna be a good girl for me now?”
Her: “Oh, yes!”
Sad Girl Sex
Her: “I’m sad for some silly reason.”
You: “I know. But you don’t need to worry because I love you. I’ll make sure you’re taken care of.”
Her: “OK… Your hands feel so good.”
You: “Yes. Just focus on happy things.”
Her: “I am happy. Kiss me.”
You: “You know that I love you, don’t you?”
You: “Now let me love all of you.”
Her: “Yes. Give me more… more… more…”
You: “My inner beast is coming out now.”
Her: “Oh, yes!”
If your encounters with your wife aren’t resolving as you wish them to, hopefully these little dialogues will reveal the sticking point. Start by simply being aware of which of the three states she is in throughout the day. Then imagine how it should resolve if you knew what to do.
After awareness, you can pinpoint the skills and tactics you need to bring her closer and closer to the proper resolution on a regular basis.
Amidst his asshole philosophizing, the Chateau Heartiste drops another nugget of wisdom… or rather his reader “Hawk” did:
Betas acknowledge the girl’s charms prior to her acting to please, alphas do so afterwards.
Unless your wife is doing any of the following…
- Showing cleavage
- Wearing tight clothing or fashionable clothes with high heels
- Working out
- Wearing sexy lingerie or nothing at all
- Cheerfully performing her domestic duties
- Being happy and flirtatious
- Giving you head
…then it’s probably counter-productive to tell her she’s “beautiful” or “sexy.”
Saw a popular question on a Christian men’s forum where the guy asks:
How do you, as a Christian man, handle being disrespected?
Well, the standard alpha male response would be “I don’t take no shit from nobody” and you make sure you get the respect you deserve.
But biblical masculinity does not equal alpha male.
I think there’s two ways a Christian man can err when he’s disrespected… by his wife or anyone else.
The first error is the classic alpha response. You feel offended that someone isn’t acknowledging your authority so you lash back. But this behavior is really more about protecting your fragile ego than being masculine.
When I was first trying to be more alpha, I began to be more aware of ways my wife would disrespect me. Since I knew this was not good, I would tell her things like “don’t talk like that to me” or point out how she wasn’t submitting. I think a lot of freshly red pilled guys do stuff like this as an attempt to assert themselves.
But I’ve come to believe this is an ineffective strategy. It comes across as needy and, in my experience, it only made her irritated.
On the other hand, the other mistake is to not say anything at all when a subordinate is disrespecting you. We all know at least a few “pussy whipped” husbands who just let their wives walk all over them. It’s painful to watch.
So what’s the solution? How can we avoid becoming either a fragile alpha man-boy on the one hand or a pussy-whipped mangina on the other hand?
I’ve found the best solution is to administer controlled doses of ethical shaming.
You never want to get defensive. You don’t want to tell her to “stop that” in a needy way. But you do want to get her to stop and reflect upon her behavior.
There is no greater example on how to do this than God himself. Take this great example from the opening of Isaiah where God rebukes his rebellious people (i.e. his bride):
“Children have I reared and brought up, but they have rebelled against me. The ox knows its owner, and the donkey its master’s crib, but Israel does not know, my people do not understand.”
Obviously, you don’t need to use such dramatic language (unless you’re going for comedic effect.) But you can use the same strategy.
Notice how He emphasizes the relationship first and His faithfulness to that relationship. Then He contrasts that with Israel’s rebellious behavior. Finally, He acts shocked that His own people would not understand.
The next time your wife starts giving you crap, try reminding her how you give up most of your waking hours to provide her with a comfortable life and are literally sacrificing your health for her sake.
Remind her how you’ve been faithful to her and your children all these years. Then calmly tell her that you’re shocked that your own wife (who should know better) is treating you with such animosity. Tell her that maybe she just doesn’t understand how much you love her. Then tell her you’ll speak to her when she’s changed her attitude and calmly walk away.
That’ll get her thinking.
As a husband and a father you are representing God. Might as well learn to start imitating Him.
I’m actually serious. Studying Donald Trump could help your marriage.
Let me explain.
One of the primary ways a woman will attempt to control her man is by asking for details that will either make the man look bad or derail his plans.
“Wow. Isn’t this [expensive item] the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?”
“Our daughter is slower than the other kids. I’m worried. What should we do?”
“What did you do while I was gone?”
“What are you thinking?”
“When are you going to take care of this?”
…and so on.
Don’t be fooled by the simplicity of her questions. This is a battle for frame control. Whether she realizes it or not, she is attempting to sabotage your mission by shifting attention away from the goal to a troubling or irrelevant detail.
The way to deal with these questions is by using the Trump Question Dodge. You want to bring the attention away from the facts and onto the relationship behind the facts.
Almost any interview of his is good to watch. But here’s a short one (1 min):
Notice how every time the interviewer tries to get details, Trump immediately changes the focus to the relationship. “This is an un-Republican thing to say.” “I’m going to take care of everybody.” “People are going to be able to go out and negotiate great plans…”
The reason this works so well is because humans are incapable of thinking an analytical thought and a big picture thought (like a relationship) at the same time. Focus on the relationship and the details will be forgotten.
So here’s how it applies to marriage:
Normally, when a women is in analytical mode, she will gravitate towards details that cause her to worry. Your job is to “flip her switch” from focusing on the cold hard facts to the warm and fuzzy relationship. Relationships are always more interesting to women.
Here’s a few examples of fact (F) vs. relationship (R) responses:
F: We can’t afford that.
R: We need the money for something I think you’ll like better.
F: Our daughter got a bad grade.
R: Luckily, she has a good mom who can help her. That’s more important than academic success.
F: I’ve been playing video games.
R: I’ve been unwinding so I can have energy to something fun with the family later.
F: I wasn’t thinking about anything.
R: Well, right now I’m thinking about doing something with you… but it’s not appropriate to say in front of the kids.
F: I’ll do it later.
R: Right after I finish my homework, Mom! [humorously]
Whenever you sense that she is focusing on the wrong details, follow this two-step procedure:
- Acknowledge the facts in a high-level way (i.e. don’t analyze)
- Make a comment about the relationship involved
You don’t have to make your claims as grandiose as Trump, but you can use the same strategy when dealing with your wife. Control the frame, control her happiness.
Blackdragon gives a good lesson on frame control:
When my children were little, when they were misbehaving, their mother did it the standard, Alpha Male 1.0 method of commanding. She would say something like, “Clean up your mess!”
Invariably, my kids, being kids, would not clean up their mess, or would not clean it up fast enough, resulting in a mom-on-kid argument and repeated commands.
I never did that. I don’t do drama, since I don’t do unhappiness. So I raised my kids the Alpha 2.0 way. Instead of saying “Clean up your mess!” which is telling someone what to do, I would say, in a calm tone of voice, “See the clock? Good. If this mess is not cleaned up in 20 minutes, you’re going to your room for three hours with no Nintendo. Now feel free to do whatever you want.”
Result: Within 20 minutes the mess would be cleaned up, virtually every time.
Their mom argued with my kids all the time. I almost never had to.
It works the same way with women. Instead of the Alpha 1.0 frame of “You must do what I say!” my frame is, “You can do literally whatever you want, and I’ll never tell you what to do, because you can’t ever tell me what to do. But, since my time is finite, if you do something I don’t like, I’m going to spend my time with someone else.”
Biblically, you can tell your wife to do something and she should comply. But that doesn’t mean it’s always good idea. She’ll put up a fuss and life will be difficult.
Often times it’s more effective to give her a choice and a consequence. For instance…
“You can buy that if you want but then that’s all we can afford for the next three months.”
“You can stay up and watch more Downton Abby if you want, but you’re going to feel miserable in the morning.”
“You can get a burger and fries if you want, but you know how it makes you feel afterwards.”
“You can be mad at me if you want, but I’m not going to talk to you until you calm down.”
“You can make that if you want, but you know I’m not going to eat it.”
The key is to give her a choice, but frame it in such a way where she’d feel like a loser for making the wrong choice. If she accuses you of manipulation, say “Yes it is. But it’s for your own good.” Then don’t cave in about reinforcing consequences. Soon enough she won’t want to make any decisions without seeking your blessing.
Ideally, the only time you should ever have to give your wife commands is when she is ready to receive her “conjugal rights.”