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Fear and respect

Reader Matthew raises some concerns in response to yesterday’s post on the fear instinct in women:

Hey Brother,

Using your own source (strongs) for Ephesians 5:33 you may be in error – the correct translation seems to be “reverence”. From my brief review of the major translations, only the ISV shows “fear” as the translation, even the KJB uses “reverence”, NKJB “respect”…

Just CTRL+F the Ephesians passage in your source:

we husbands are called to love our wives as God loved His church, and God doesn’t beat us or the church into submission when we’re horrible so neither should we our wives. That’s not to say that we should not be able to defend ourselves and give her a solid slap; we need to avoid getting into the situation in the first place. Foresight, and the ability to discern a healthy minded woman is what will save us in the current year.

I’m sure it’s much more complicated when you’re being abused… and perhaps it becomes a lot simpler…

My two cents, anyway God bless!

First off, Matthew is correct that we are not called to beat our wives into submission. We are called to love and nourish her body.

I also agree that there is almost no situation where one would ever need to resort to physical violence with a woman. Foresight and communication skills are normally all that’s required to avoid violence.

It is worth noting though, unlike our present culture, God did not see the need to give any warning against “domestic abuse” or make it a sin to hit a woman.

I think there’s an important reason for that.

There are two issues here: the issue of translations, and the relationship of love and fear.

How to spot translation biases

In terms of translations, we have to remember that none of the popular Bible translations are literal word-for-word translations from the Greek. The translators make their word and phrase choices based on what they think the text means rather than choosing the closest equivalent words.

Some translations advertise themselves as “conservative”, but they don’t mean conservative to the Greek text, they mean conservative to traditional church doctrine.

The advantage of popular translations is they make for smooth reading and often use familiar poetic phrases that have become important expressions of faith in our language.

The disadvantage is we inherit the translators’ biases in the biblical text.

The biases can be easily exposed though by using a concordance and/or literal translations of the Bible. (You can find a list of literal translations online for free at Click the dropdown menu to see the options.)

The concordance for the Greek word phobeo shows that in every other case its used, even in the popular versions, the word is translated as “fear”, “afraid,” etc.

In one case it is translated as “awestruck.” But only in Ephesians 5:33 is it rendered “respect.”

Whenever you see a Greek word commonly translated into one word, but translated into a different word in one special instance, that’s a red flag. It means that the translators (intentionally or not) are probably suppressing an uncomfortable truth they’d rather keep hidden.

And a woman fearing her man is the uncomfortable truth.

Our fear of fear

Regardless, of what words we use to describe a woman’s state of submission, the important question is this:

What is the underlying mechanism that triggers “respect” or “reverence?”

Respect is an end state. We don’t automatically respect someone simply because they exist.

We respect those whom we fear.

We respect our bosses because we fear their disapproval (and subsequent loss of income.)

We show respect to police officers because we fear their power to punish us.

And we respect men who are stronger than us (at least to their face), because we fear offending them and getting an ass whipping.

Fear is a difficult subject to openly discuss today. We live in a post-Marxist culture that categorizes the world into “oppressors” and “oppressed.”

This is a relatively novel way of looking at the world. In ancient Rome, strength was virtue and weakness was “sin.” The Bible corrected the faults of this worldview, but it never eliminated the necessity of fear and respect in human relationships.

My grandfather was a great admiror of the Romans. He had a saying he told my dad, who passed it along to me:

“The day you can kick my ass is the day you can stop listening to me.”

While not entirely consistent with the Biblical ethos, it does highlight an important point:

When I become physically stronger than my father, I will no longer fear his disapproval of how I live my life. When I can “kick his ass”, I will be a completely free man.

Judging by the current trend, I expect to arrive at that point within 5-10 years.

Obviously, this doesn’t mean I’m going to physically assault my dad. What it means is there is an underlying mechanism of power.

When one person perceives another person as harmless, there is no need for fear. And without fear, we have no regard for the other’s judgments on us.

So it is when a woman perceives her man as harmless. She no longer fears his disapproval and thus has no cause to revere him.

Both the church and the state seem to be doing everything in their power to render men harmless to women.

But this is a form of depraved thinking. It goes against nature. Men are supposed to be stronger than women. Stronger means the capacity to physically overpower the woman, the capacity to humiliate her mentally with superior intelligence, and the ability to ignore her emotional manipulations.

Note that it is the capacity to overpower and humiliate the woman. Most women do not need a daily demonstration to get the point. The virtue of gentleness leads a man to hold back his strength, never exerting his maximum ability… only the amount the situation calls for.

A long-term relationship should mature beyond the point of fear. But fear is the starting point for any relationship involving authority and submission.

God always began his relationship with a people by demonstrating his power, not by showing his kindness. The power gives context to the kindness.

The strategy of reminding wives to “respect” their husbands regardless if they’re “worthy of it” is clearly not working. We need to build men that inspire fear.

Perhaps we can take a hint from the popular fairy tale:

It’s called Beauty and the Beast, not Beauty and the Kind-Hearted Prince.

How to get a little respect from a woman

I stumbled across this hard-hitting bit of advice from the Vox Day archives:

The solution is simple. It is very simple and it’s very effective. If a woman physically attacks you in a manner that indicates her serious intent to harm you, then you beat the living shit out of her. Beat her so badly, so painfully, that she fears for her life.

– Vox Day, “What to do when a girl hits you”

At first glance, this is shocking to read, but Vox brings up an important point about female nature.

Women are primarily motivated by fear… and they have a different relationship with fear than men do.

Women instinctively submit to those they fear the most. And fear in the presence of power is an instinctive arousal trigger to women.

Furthermore, it seems that women despise male passivity and respond with aggressiveness, verbal abuse and (in some cases) even physical violence towards the docile male.

Most men do not live with a physically violent woman, so Vox’s advice would not apply.

But the larger principle here is that, at the primal level, a woman needs to fear her husband.

And this is precisely what the Bible teaches:

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular love his wife as himself: and let the wife fear her husband.

– Ephesians 5:33

Modern translations sugar-coat this passage by changing “fear” to “respect.”

But “fear” is the appropriate translation:

And how does one cause a woman to fear him?

Not by politely requesting it.

A woman needs to be keenly aware of the power that a man has.

She needs to feel like she is living with a lion rather than a puppy.

This is why it is necessary for a woman to be “man-handled” from time to time at some level.

Not by beating her, of course.

But things need to get a little rough in the bedroom sometimes to remind her of the nature of the beast she is living with.

It is only when she fears her man at an instinctual level, that she will submit to him.

So there’s a little motivation to stay in shape.

Also, if you’re an SJW, this would be a great article to quote out of context.

“How do I know if it’s a shit test?”

I’ve noticed one of the biggest challenges married red pill men deal with is figuring out when their wife is “shit testing” them.

I’ve struggled with this for awhile as well. After all, to the untrained eye, all emotional outbursts simply look like a distressed woman.

I would always wonder if I came down with a strong hand when comfort was needed, or vice versa.

Recognizing a woman’s manipulations is one the most essential skills a man can have. His refusal of her manipulations will lead to happiness. His failure to recognize them, to misery.

In order to get the bottom of the matter, we have to understand precisely what a “shit test” is.

To paraphrase chapter 1 in The Rational Male, a shit test is a power play. She is subtly testing to find out who needs the other more. Who is willing to compromise to “hold the peace.”

As an example, if your boss asked you to stay at work an extra few hours, you’d probably say “yes” even though you had other plans. You need the paycheck, more than he needs you (or so he assumes.)

Whoever needs the other person more has the power in the relationship.

A “shit test” is nothing more than a woman finding out if you’re willing to compromise yourself in order to appease her (i.e. keep having sex with her.)

Now, there will always be some compromise. It’s exhausting (and ineffective) for a man to attempt to “win” every conflict of interest. The crucial question is, “how important is this to me?”

If it’s a difference of opinion on the color of curtains, probably best to let it go. (Unless you’re an interior designer by trade.)

But if she asks you to compromise on your mission, your strategy on how you achieve your goal, or one of your core values, this is a definite shit test that you don’t want to fail.

Everything else is more of an art than a science. If you’re playing video games and she asks you to do a chore, should you do it? Probably not… at least not right away. You’re communicating that not offending her is more important than your present enjoyment. You just failed a shit test.

What if she had an upsetting experience and wants to vent when you get home from work?

This probably is NOT a shit test. She’s just needs to vent her feelings.

However, if it’s important to you to have a few minutes of “down time” before talking, you can ask her to wait a few minutes.

I think what qualifies as a “shit test” is somewhat relative. You have to define your boundaries for yourself beforehand. Then you have to ask yourself in the moment:

  1. What is she asking me to compromise?
  2. Can I do so without violating my boundaries?

The man who continually compromises his boundaries implicitly reveals that he needs sex from his wife more than she needs his approval.

Better to hold your ground. If necessary, rub one out in private. To borrow Bill Burr’s line, “it’s the champagne of victory.”

Which Sexual Role Models Are Right for You?

Let’s talk about “man crushes” today… in a completely heterosexual way.

One of the limitations I’ve noticed of red pill blogs is that the prescriptions rarely take a man’s personality into account. Sure, we can all agree that Donald Trump is a super-alpha, but is it really practical for every reader to try to imitate him?

Donald Trump is who he is… partly because of his work ethic… but also partly because of his natural personality. I could never be like Trump no matter how hard I worked.

This is why I think it’s useful to learn frame and game by studying men that are suitable for one’s own personality.

***WARNING: Nerdy Talk Begins Here***

The most useful personality system I’ve found is the Myers-Briggs typology. I’ve studied this system on-and-off over the years and my opinion of it has varied from thinking it was fascinating to thinking it was deeply flawed. Now I realize the problem isn’t the system itself, but rather how it’s typically used.

First off, the letters you’re probably familiar with, such as the ESFJ or the INTP, are misleading. They are just the shorthand and are rather misleading to those uninitiated to the underlying functions.

One of the biggest errors people make is they assume someone is either extroverted or introverted. But the reality is that everyone has both extroverted and introverted functions. An extrovert is simply someone who uses their extroverted functions more frequently than their introverted functions, and vice versa for introverts. This is why you can have an introvert being outgoing in a social setting or an extrovert who is perfectly content doing solitary activities.

It’s also worth noting that “extroversion” refers to how you interact with any part of the external world, not just people.

Another error people make, that is encouraged by the shorthand version, is they assume that people are either “judgers” (i.e. making decisions and getting things done) or “perceivers” (i.e. exploring new ideas and possibilities). Just as with the extrovert-introvert dynamic, this is also a misunderstanding. Every person has cognitive functions for both making decisions and exploring new ideas.

The other limitation of the shorthand typing system is that it only describes people’s as they are not who they are becoming. Every person has dominant functions that he uses naturally, and weaker functions which he wishes to develop. When people are young and not fully mature, they tend to be attracted to a mate who is the mirror image of themselves (i.e. their dominant functions are your weak functions, and vice versa.) (Interesting read on that by Pat Stedman here.)

Anyhow, none of these nuances are reflected in the 4-letter typing system. The more accurate system works like this:

Each person has 4 modes of cognitive functioning, two “judging” and two “perceiving” modes. And each of these modes is paired with an extroverted or introverted function. So there are 4 possible perceptive functions:

  • Extroverted-Intuition (Ne) – The Brainstormer. Generates new possibilities, synthesizes abstract ideas and picks up on cues in the external environment.
  • Introverted-Intuition (Ni) – The Theorist. Uses mental models to understand and analyze the world and anticipate future events. Perceptive of inconsistencies and always adapting their models.
  • Extroverted-Sensing (Se) – The Life of the Party. Takes in the world as it exists in the moment. Highly in tune with the sights, smells, sounds, and other physical stimulus around them.
  • Introverted-Sensing (Si) – The Observer. Takes notes of facts and events exactly as they happen and categorizes them. Like an internal filing system.

Each person has two of the above. One extroverted and one introverted.

Likewise, there are 4 possible decision-making functions. Each person has one extroverted and one introverted decision-making function function:

  • Introverted-Feeling (Fi) – The Creative. Reflects deeply on how one feels and what is right or wrong. Searches for the deeper meaning behind everything. Artistic and creative endeavors are a natural outlet.
  • Extroverted-Feeling (Fe) – The Peacekeeper. Concerned with maintaining social norms and keeping the peace. Strives to do what is best for the group.
  • Extroverted-Thinking (Te) – The Manager. Seeks to impose order on the external environment as efficiently and logically as possible. Values productivity and results.
  • Introverted-Thinking (Ti) – The Scientist. Seeks to form a framework on how the world works on a concrete, tangible level. Naturally notices inconsistencies and loves to take things apart to see how they work.

Once you identify your strongest function from each group and then your weaker (i.e. your second choice) from each group, then you can accurately identify your personality type with the four-letter system:

If you’d like to learn more about this, there’s as an excellent article written by Heidi Priebe over at Thought Catalog.

***SIGH OF RELIEF: Nerdy Talk Ends Here***

The great thing about the Myers-Briggs system is that there are helpful nerds all around the internet who have spent hours arguing about and classifying famous people by their personality types.

So… think about that.

Nowadays, no one can become famous unless they know how to present themselves well. They have to dress and groom well. They have to speak confidently. They’re looked up to as leaders.

In other words, celebrities have everything women want.

And there are celebrities that are the same personality type as you. This means you can model yourself (how you speak, how you dress, how you control the frame etc.) after someone who probably already share some of the mannerisms with.

It doesn’t matter if you personally like the celebrity or agree with what they stand for. We’re just looking for men with high sex appeal whom we can model ourselves after. It’s easy to admire high-SMV men. But we want to model ourselves after high-SMV men that we have a realistic shot at authentically emulating.

So, courtesy of, here are some ideas to get you started.


  • Christopher Nolan
  • Colon Powell
  • Elon Musk
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger
  • Vladimir Putin



  • Bill Gates
  • Stanley Crouch



  • Steve Jobs
  • Gordon Ramsay
  • Harrison Ford
  • Jim Carry
  • David Petraeus



  • “Weird Al” Yankovich
  • Adam Savage
  • Tom Hanks
  • Sacha Baron Cohen



  • Martin Luther King, Jr.
  • Nelson Mandela
  • Jimmy Carter
  • Morgan Freeman



  • Johnny Depp
  • Tom Hiddleston



  • Barack Obama
  • John Cusack
  • Ben Affleck
  • Sean Connery



  • Robert Downey, Jr.
  • Will Smith
  • Robin Williams
  • Russell Brand
  • Quentin Tarantino



  • Denzel Washington
  • Anthony Hopkins
  • George H.W. Bush



  • Vin Diesel
  • Lance Reddick



  • Frank Sinatra
  • Lyndon B. Johnson



  • Bill Clinton
  • Steve Harvey
  • Danny Glover



  • Clint Eastwood
  • Bear Grylls
  • Tom Cruise
  • Michael Jordan
  • Daniel Craig



  • Kevin Costner
  • Michael Jackson



  • Jack Nicholson
  • Eddie Murphy
  • Bruce Willis
  • Michael J. Fox
  • Nicolas Sarkozy
  • Samuel L. Jackson



  • Jamie Oliver
  • Jamie Foxx
  • Adam Levine
  • Steve Irwin


I’m guessing that none of the men listed above have (had) any trouble getting laid. Find your personality type and then start studying interviews of those celebrities on YouTube. Pay attention to how they speak, how they control the frame, how they dress, how they present themselves. They became famous for a reason.

Imitate what you like. It will probably work for you.

Some Thoughts on Genes, Authority and Frame Control

This post is a mind dump of thoughts for future development. You may safely ignore if you have no interest in my undeveloped musings.

  • The alpha male can be described as one who gives a confident display of good looks and intelligence. These attributes signal to the woman that the man has good genes and hence good sperm.
  • The field of epigenetics tells us that our “gene expression” can change based on what we eat, where we live, who we interact with, etc. In other words, one’s DNA code is only the starting point, not the final destination.
  • Similarly, our habits can highlight or hide our genetic potential. For instance, poor hygiene, poor grooming, or poor diet can mask what would otherwise be an attractive man. Similarly, a lack of communication skill can mask an otherwise intelligent mind. This is the Golden Rule of genetic display: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
  • The “ideal man” that a woman imagines plays a relatively insignificant role in determining whether she will submit her body to a man. The most important factors for sexual suggestibility are authority and frame.
  • A man can display authority through his looks by dressing and grooming like someone who should be taken seriously. This creates perceived authority before a word is even spoken.
  • A man can display intellectual authority by adapting similar language patterns of his intellectual superiors. One exercise I’ve been trying is watching videos of Vox Day and NN Taleb and making note of how they describe things with intellectual authority. For example, instead of “this person is full of B.S.” it becomes “this person shows signs of a fundamentally dishonest mind.” Or instead of saying “I disagree” they go straight to the point and talk about a “lack of integrity.” They remain calm and confident in their delivery and it inspires instinctive submission in the listener.
  • Frame is the context in which one interprets information. We don’t process information in a vacuum. We try to fit it into a story… what does it mean?
  • The first heard story sets the frame. Frame control is not so much about tapping into an elusive sense of confidence as it is about providing explanations to novel information before she can interpret it herself.
  • There are three primary methods a man can use control the frame:
    • Providing the first explanation to an unexpected event
    • Telling stories
    • Ignoring or dismissing explanations that do not fit his frame
  • Ignoring her frame is not enough. A man has to interpret the events of life and tell stories if he’s going to hold the dominant frame.
  • Frame control is a display of superior intelligence. If a man is able to process new information and come to a meaningful conclusion quicker than his woman, she instinctively knows he’s a worthy man to submit to.

The #1 Mistake Red Pilled Men Make

Had a great discussion over on the Red Pill Christians sub the other day.

A single guy was discussing his experience on a couple recent dates. It’s worth reading because, first off, the guy’s a great example on how to have humility of mind when applying red pill philosophy. He’s open to correction and willing to admit he has more to learn. I expect he will have success if he keeps at it.

But the post is also a great example of what I believe is the most common mistake made in the red pill community (both married and single):

Focusing too much on tactics, not enough on mindset.

The guy described the things he did “right”, like he brought something to do in order to look busy beforehand, how he asked them questions and controlled the conversation, ended the date after an hour, etc.

He also described his “weaknesses” – how he bought the coffee for them, how he said “I like that” too much about things she said, how he needs to make eye contact more, etc.

On the surface, his assessments sound on track. He’s distinguishing alpha and beta behaviors. But he’s never going to be able to change into an alpha by focusing on all the little things he did wrong. Alpha comes from the mindset not from surface level behaviors.

I told him instead of trying to focus on a bunch of specifics, focus on ONE thing that will pull everything else together for him. For example, imagine that he was a king of a large kingdom, and these women are being brought to him in order to see if they pleased him. If they didn’t, there’s no need to worry about it because there are plenty of other women in line to see him.

Another commenter followed up by saying to simply take attraction for granted. You don’t need to worry if you’re doing the “right” things. She’s there with you, so she’s obviously attracted to you. You’re just trying to qualify her to see if she’s suited for your lifestyle.

Rollo Tomassi has written that the core difference between an alpha and a beta is an abundance vs. a scarcity mindset. When you have an abundance mindset, she’ll end up trying to please you because she senses you’re not afraid to lose her. But when you have a scarcity mindset, you’ll engage in “mate guarding” behavior that she’ll find repulsive.

Ironically, when you try to be more alpha by imitating what alphas do, this is just another form of mate guarding. You’re trying to be more alpha out fear of “screwing up.” She’ll see right through it and perceive you as needy.

But when you simply assume she’s already attracted to you and that lots of women would want to be with you, that’s when you will naturally display alpha behavior.

In short, spend less time trying to do what alphas do and more time thinking about how lucky any woman would be to be blessed with your seed.

Because of the savour of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee.
-Song of Solomon 1:3

The Unspoken Problem That Plagues Your Marriage

Men, behold… the hidden source of all your problems:

Then to Adam [God] said, “Because you have heeded the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree of which I commanded you, saying, ‘You shall not eat of it’

The root cause of Adam’s sin was not that he was deceived. The root cause was that he stepped down from his decision-making role and followed the advice of his wife.

Women are great in management and sub-ordinate positions. They are loyal. They will work hard when motivated. They are empathetic to the immediate needs of those in their care.

But women are terrible in an executive leadership role. They cannot relax enough to make level-headed decisions. They prioritize their immediate concerns such as status and perceived safety over long-term success. They lack the testosterone necessary to take risks. They have a hard time saying “no” to outside requests.

In other words, women are great at doing things, but terrible at deciding what to do.

The problem comes when the roles are flipped. The husband is busy doing things and trying to appease his wife. Meanwhile, the wife is not busy enough (because she spends 3+ hours on Facebook) and uses all her time worrying about how she’s “not good enough.” Then she feels guilty for wasting her time so she’ll throw herself into a project she feels behind on only to give up due to feeling “overwhelmed” at the pressures of life.

This is not a good way to run a home. Men frequently work harder than they need to because they feel insecure and fear their wives’ disapproval. And without a day full of meaningful work, a woman gives into anxiety.

An effective ruler spends less time on busy work, more time on establishing values, creating a vision, setting goals, communicating progress, and making sure his sub-ordinates have everything they need to move forward.

It takes a lot of thinking to keep a wife happily busy!

For an interesting perspective on leadership, check out the short article “Use Disciples for Success” by Richard Koch. It’s about making disciples in a business context, but I think the core idea is applicable to making disciples in the home. At first glance, the idea sounds unfair. But keep in mind, sub-ordinates are happiest when they are occupied with meaningful work.


The 2 Fundamental Truths About Women

I will feel like I’ve lived a life worth living if my writing can help men embrace the following two truths about life:

Truth #1: Women are easily deceived. A man should not trust a woman for advice.

Truth #2: A woman’s most powerful desire is to be bred and dominated by an alpha male.

Everything I write is really just theme and variation on those fundamental truths.

Coincidentally, you can approximate your rank (or potential rank) in the socio-sexual hierarchy based on how you responded to the above statements.

Alpha: **Shrugs and moves on.**

Beta: “Yes. I need to remember this.”

Delta: “I don’t know about that. I take advice from my wife all the time. She’s an intelligent woman. And a woman is not a sex object. You seem to be venturing into dangerous territory here.”

Gamma: “The socio-sexual hierarchy is based subjective judgments that have no scientific proof. I find it appalling that a blog that purports to give sex advice would force men into such arbitrary categories. Do you really think God would judge men by such standards? More likely, the author is simply trying to project an alpha persona to compensate for his insecurities. But he is clearly a poser who doesn’t know what he’s talking about. If he’s so alpha, why doesn’t he show a picture of his wife? Probably because she’s an ugly overweight cow. Ha! This guy is a joke.”

Omega: “Women are so stupid. Their suffering is well-deserved. Men are better off without them.”

Sigma: “Hmm… let me think about that…”


Biblical Husbandry 101

Illimitable Men’s reflections on dominance and submission is a better marriage guide anything you’ll hear from the pulpit today:

[A] good woman is the handiwork of great men, ideally well-raised by a strong father, but at the very least young and receptive to dominant, masculine governance. A woman cannot, try it as she may, become the embodiment of what a man wants without her chosen partner having a hand in the matter, for her constitution is innately erratic, and as such, in the absence of a strong male figure in her life, she will in all likelihood fall prey to predacious dogma and sully herself.

The value of a young woman extends beyond the appeal of her physical youth and fertility, although both are covetously desirable in and of themselves, it is her malleability to be formed into a woman who complements a man that is her main draw. Older women are, much to the dismay of men everywhere, not solely lacking in beauty, but largely irredeemable in that they lack the pliability archetypal of young women.

Bitter older woman unable to secure a dominant alpha who see a young woman coupled with a man perhaps ten or even fifteen years her senior have an instinct to shame the couple, more specifically, the man. It is said by spinsters of ever-increasing opinionation that such men are no more than perverts, that they only covet a young woman’s body and sexuality, and that if such men were as refined as they, they’d look to date someone “more mature.” Be it that maturity for women is little more than bitterness that erodes their femininity, the point of maturity is an entirely moot point, for women mature little in adulthood. These spinsters disguise their vitriolic bitterness as concern for the well-being of young women, but in reality they are the jealous crabs in the bucket, scornful of the men who don’t want them, jealous of the women who can get them.

The man must act upon and mould a woman more than she does him, for if the woman is to act upon and mould the man, she will create something she finds abhorrent. More simply and explicitly stated, a woman will mould a man into someone she despises, but a man will mould a woman into someone he loves.

For the “how to’s” of moulding a woman, check out my latest guest post on the Sigma Frame blog.

Persuasion 101

Forget everything you learned in English class. This is real-world communication 101.

Lesson #1: Without frame control, your opinion doesn’t matter

Frame control primarily means three things:

  1. Call out B.S.
  2. Get to the point and don’t let people waste your time
  3. Don’t be the dancing monkey*


Lesson #2: Right Frame + Right Proposition + Trust = Agreement

Right frame:

  • Do you have her attention?
  • Does she understand your jargon?
  • Is it directly relevant to her needs? (see Maslow’s hierarchy of needs)
  • Is she capable of understanding and using what you’re telling her?

Right proposition:

  • Does it easily to connect to what she already understands and believes?
  • Is the proposed change simple and easy to implement?


  • Do you live consistently with your values?
  • Does she know your intentions are for her own good?
  • Have you shown yourself to be a capable man who can achieve his goals?


Lesson #3: Speak the unspoken

Guess what she’s thinking and say it before she does. This creates an instant mind-meld that allows you to direct her thoughts.

Lesson #4: Claims create objections

Our most automatic form of communication is a self-centered sequence: opinion > reason > evidence. Unless people already agree with you, they will almost certainly disagree with your claim.

But if you want someone to have the same epiphany as you, let them discover it themselves. Inverse the order: evidence > reason > suggestion.

This is not to say you should never lead with a claim. Claims expose people to new ideas. Just don’t expect anyone to agree with you if it’s a new idea. But repetitious exposure creates belief.

* The “dancing monkey” is a metaphor coined by freelance writer Bob Bly. It refers to the barrage of questions potential clients use to intimidate inexperienced freelancers into lowering their fees to barely livable wages: “have you worked in this industry before?” “what kind of results have you gotten?” “What makes you so sure you can do the job?” etc. etc.

Women do the same thing to their husbands when she demands explanations and “proof” to back up everything he says, bringing attention to his inadequacies and past failures in attempts to lower his confidence and force submission.

Further Reading: