The Unspoken Problem That Plagues Your Marriage

Men, behold… the hidden source of all your problems:

Then to Adam [God] said, “Because you have heeded the voice of your wife, and have eaten from the tree of which I commanded you, saying, ‘You shall not eat of it’

The root cause of Adam’s sin was not that he was deceived. The root cause was that he stepped down from his decision-making role and followed the advice of his wife.

Women are great in management and sub-ordinate positions. They are loyal. They will work hard when motivated. They are empathetic to the immediate needs of those in their care.

But women are terrible in an executive leadership role. They cannot relax enough to make level-headed decisions. They prioritize their immediate concerns such as status and perceived safety over long-term success. They lack the testosterone necessary to take risks. They have a hard time saying “no” to outside requests.

In other words, women are great at doing things, but terrible at deciding what to do.

The problem comes when the roles are flipped. The husband is busy doing things and trying to appease his wife. Meanwhile, the wife is not busy enough (because she spends 3+ hours on Facebook) and uses all her time worrying about how she’s “not good enough.” Then she feels guilty for wasting her time so she’ll throw herself into a project she feels behind on only to give up due to feeling “overwhelmed” at the pressures of life.

This is not a good way to run a home. Men frequently work harder than they need to because they feel insecure and fear their wives’ disapproval. And without a day full of meaningful work, a woman gives into anxiety.

An effective ruler spends less time on busy work, more time on establishing values, creating a vision, setting goals, communicating progress, and making sure his sub-ordinates have everything they need to move forward.

It takes a lot of thinking to keep a wife happily busy!

For an interesting perspective on leadership, check out the short article “Use Disciples for Success” by Richard Koch. It’s about making disciples in a business context, but I think the core idea is applicable to making disciples in the home. At first glance, the idea sounds unfair. But keep in mind, sub-ordinates are happiest when they are occupied with meaningful work.

 

The 2 Fundamental Truths About Women

I will feel like I’ve lived a life worth living if my writing can help men embrace the following two truths about life:

Truth #1: Women are easily deceived. A man should not trust a woman for advice.

Truth #2: A woman’s most powerful desire is to be bred and dominated by an alpha male.

Everything I write is really just theme and variation on those fundamental truths.

Coincidentally, you can approximate your rank (or potential rank) in the socio-sexual hierarchy based on how you responded to the above statements.

Alpha: **Shrugs and moves on.**

Beta: “Yes. I need to remember this.”

Delta: “I don’t know about that. I take advice from my wife all the time. She’s an intelligent woman. And a woman is not a sex object. You seem to be venturing into dangerous territory here.”

Gamma: “The socio-sexual hierarchy is based subjective judgments that have no scientific proof. I find it appalling that a blog that purports to give sex advice would force men into such arbitrary categories. Do you really think God would judge men by such standards? More likely, the author is simply trying to project an alpha persona to compensate for his insecurities. But he is clearly a poser who doesn’t know what he’s talking about. If he’s so alpha, why doesn’t he show a picture of his wife? Probably because she’s an ugly overweight cow. Ha! This guy is a joke.”

Omega: “Women are so stupid. Their suffering is well-deserved. Men are better off without them.”

Sigma: “Hmm… let me think about that…”

 

Biblical Husbandry 101

Illimitable Men’s reflections on dominance and submission is a better marriage guide anything you’ll hear from the pulpit today:

[A] good woman is the handiwork of great men, ideally well-raised by a strong father, but at the very least young and receptive to dominant, masculine governance. A woman cannot, try it as she may, become the embodiment of what a man wants without her chosen partner having a hand in the matter, for her constitution is innately erratic, and as such, in the absence of a strong male figure in her life, she will in all likelihood fall prey to predacious dogma and sully herself.

The value of a young woman extends beyond the appeal of her physical youth and fertility, although both are covetously desirable in and of themselves, it is her malleability to be formed into a woman who complements a man that is her main draw. Older women are, much to the dismay of men everywhere, not solely lacking in beauty, but largely irredeemable in that they lack the pliability archetypal of young women.

Bitter older woman unable to secure a dominant alpha who see a young woman coupled with a man perhaps ten or even fifteen years her senior have an instinct to shame the couple, more specifically, the man. It is said by spinsters of ever-increasing opinionation that such men are no more than perverts, that they only covet a young woman’s body and sexuality, and that if such men were as refined as they, they’d look to date someone “more mature.” Be it that maturity for women is little more than bitterness that erodes their femininity, the point of maturity is an entirely moot point, for women mature little in adulthood. These spinsters disguise their vitriolic bitterness as concern for the well-being of young women, but in reality they are the jealous crabs in the bucket, scornful of the men who don’t want them, jealous of the women who can get them.

The man must act upon and mould a woman more than she does him, for if the woman is to act upon and mould the man, she will create something she finds abhorrent. More simply and explicitly stated, a woman will mould a man into someone she despises, but a man will mould a woman into someone he loves.

For the “how to’s” of moulding a woman, check out my latest guest post on the Sigma Frame blog.

Persuasion 101

Forget everything you learned in English class. This is real-world communication 101.

Lesson #1: Without frame control, your opinion doesn’t matter

Frame control primarily means three things:

  1. Call out B.S.
  2. Get to the point and don’t let people waste your time
  3. Don’t be the dancing monkey*

 

Lesson #2: Right Frame + Right Proposition + Trust = Agreement

Right frame:

  • Do you have her attention?
  • Does she understand your jargon?
  • Is it directly relevant to her needs? (see Maslow’s hierarchy of needs)
  • Is she capable of understanding and using what you’re telling her?

Right proposition:

  • Does it easily to connect to what she already understands and believes?
  • Is the proposed change simple and easy to implement?

Trust:

  • Do you live consistently with your values?
  • Does she know your intentions are for her own good?
  • Have you shown yourself to be a capable man who can achieve his goals?

 

Lesson #3: Speak the unspoken

Guess what she’s thinking and say it before she does. This creates an instant mind-meld that allows you to direct her thoughts.

Lesson #4: Claims create objections

Our most automatic form of communication is a self-centered sequence: opinion > reason > evidence. Unless people already agree with you, they will almost certainly disagree with your claim.

But if you want someone to have the same epiphany as you, let them discover it themselves. Inverse the order: evidence > reason > suggestion.

This is not to say you should never lead with a claim. Claims expose people to new ideas. Just don’t expect anyone to agree with you if it’s a new idea. But repetitious exposure creates belief.

* The “dancing monkey” is a metaphor coined by freelance writer Bob Bly. It refers to the barrage of questions potential clients use to intimidate inexperienced freelancers into lowering their fees to barely livable wages: “have you worked in this industry before?” “what kind of results have you gotten?” “What makes you so sure you can do the job?” etc. etc.

Women do the same thing to their husbands when she demands explanations and “proof” to back up everything he says, bringing attention to his inadequacies and past failures in attempts to lower his confidence and force submission.

Further Reading:

The Allure of the Absent Husband

A noteworthy observation:

The more I’m away from the house, the more my wife wants to have sex with me.

Robert Greene’s Law of Power #16:

Use absence to increase respect and honor.

Or, to paraphrase King Solomon:

Let your foot be seldom in your [own] house, lest [she] have [her] fill of you and hate you. (Prov. 25:17)

How to Argue with a Woman (or Gamma Male)

The other day I got in a Twitter “fight” with some random girl named Sherry.

I’ve reproduced the argument below for instructive purposes. Comments are in brackets.

Tony Reinke: Al Mohler (June 2014): “If you get any report of any kind of sexual abuse, certainly involving a minor, you be committed before that ever happens, that before you leave that room you are going to dial 9-1-1 and you’re going to call for help.” [Virtue signaling]

JT: Translation: Always assume the man is guilty and turn the matter over to the secular courts. Hmm…

Sherry: He only said pastors aren’t qualified to investigate. Let the authorities do that. The ‘secular courts’ have presumption of innocence with burden of proof that has to be met. Not like the kangaroo courts we’ve seen in colleges where students can be railroaded with no defense.

JT: Perhaps you don’t know that it is shameful for Christians to go to court? (1 Cor 6)

Sherry: You can’t be serious to think there is a correlation between neighborhood litigation and sexual assault. Perhaps you don’t know that Christians are also sinners and commit crimes. Is this a parody account? [Both women and gamma males argue the same way: address an imaginary argument (“so you’re saying…”) rather than what was said. Then they attempt to change the topic with pseudo-logic and discredit the messenger.] 

JT: Taking a sexual assault accusation to court is litigation by definition. Christians are called to use wisdom to judge each case fairly.

JT: Again, have you read 1 Corinthians 6?

Sherry: Yes I have and you’re definitely a joke.

Sherry: Christians are also called to follow the law.

JT: So turning a brother over to the court is following the law?

Sherry: I’m probably foolish to answer, but in this case Yes. @AlbertMohler is referring to sexual abuse. I stand by my first comment. 1 Cor 6 doesn’t apply. This isn’t a trivial or small matter to be handled between believers. Especially if a child is involved. [This is where she has given up. People who argue on an emotional level are quickly exhausted by logic. Also note the callout to @AlbertMohler. She is hoping a higher authority can affirm the opinion she cannot defend.]

JT: Sherry, you are allowing emotion to cloud your judgment. Just because a child is involved doesn’t automatically mean the man is guilty.

JT: 1 Cor 6 is a universal principle for all disputes between Christians. Each case must be examined with wisdom… without knee-jerk reactions

From what I can gather, there are three Christian goals to arguing:

  1. To shame opponents of truth into silence (Tit 2:8)
  2. To instruct a watching audience (Prov 19:25)
  3. To give the opponent opportunity to repent (2 Tim 2:25)*

My recent Twitter exchange inspired me to come up with a simple argument formula that Christians could use that I think meets all the above criteria:

  1. Decode the jargon – most opening statements from angry women and false teachers are nothing more than virtue signaling disguised with righteous sounding jargon. Decode the B.S. so that everyone can see the plain meaning.
  2. Have you not read? – call attention to the Scripture passage that corrects the false assumption. Phrasing it as a question makes it irresistible to the ego. No one wants to be ignorant. The intensity of the rhetoric here depends on the type of person you’re dealing with (e.g. man vs. woman, teacher vs. layman, educated vs. naive, etc.)
  3. Correct and dismiss the false argument – most of the time, you’ll be arguing with a gamma male or a woman. They won’t address your point and will almost without fail counter with a “so you’re saying…” line or something similar. Quickly correct and dismiss the false argument and immediately move to the next step.
  4. Restate the question. Go back to Step 2. Repeat Steps 3 & 4 if necessary.

* Note that the biblical concept of “gentleness” implies using strength. It’s an expression of power, but with reserve. In other words, only use as much strength as necessary for the situation.

The Secret Life of a Woman’s Brain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOTE: This is a summary & red pill application of the book Incognito, an excellent primer on how the human brain works.

This week I read a fascinating book about the subconscious mind.

This is a topic that I think many Christians are woefully ignorant of. Probably due to it’s negative association with Freud.

But advertisers, propagandists, and even the more intelligent teachers have known (at least through practice) about this stuff for decades. And now it is confirmed by recent neurological findings.

So if you’re not familiar with this stuff, buckle up and get ready for a mind trip…

I’ve summarized the big ideas below along with some application ideas for a red pill marriage.

Conscious thought is like the “national headlines” of a vast and complex economy.

Conscious thought is just the tip of the iceberg. If you truly want to help your wife change, you have to be aware of this vast economy of brain activity that she’s not even aware of.

We see what we expect to see

Take a look at the famous illusion below:

Do you see a glass… or two faces?

It depends on what you expect to see.

Your wife does not see things objectively (and neither do you). We see what we’ve been primed to see. This is why frame is everything. Changing the frame is the root of deception. Recovering the biblical frame is the key to freedom.

The brain pays attention to unexpected information

The brain attempts to construct a mental model of reality that will accurately predict what will happen next. So long as we can fit the facts into our model, our brain assumes everything is fine. But our brains pay extra close attention to mistakes (i.e. things that “don’t compute.”)

So if you want to change your wife’s mind, don’t communicate in ways that can be easily explained away (such as abstract rational arguments.) Use paradoxes. Make her feel confused. Show her examples that contradict her present beliefs. Even if she experiences some “cognitive dissonance” for a time, her brain will be forced to reconstruct her mental models.

The brain can learn complex, even inexplicable tasks with nothing more than “yes” or “no” feedback

Don’t worry about trying to explicitly explain how you want your wife to behave. Simply show signs of approval when she’s “good” and disapproval when she’s “bad.” Her subconscious mind will figure out the rest.

We are attracted to things and people that remind us of ourselves.

When conscious communication is necessary, always talk about ideas in terms of her interests. How is it going to make her more beautiful? More intelligent? A better mother? A better lover? etc.

People are more likely to believe and like what they’ve been exposed to before… even if they’re unaware of that exposure

If there’s something you want to do that would seem batsh*t crazy to her current worldview, “prime” her mind for a while so she’s exposed to the idea in indirect ways.

For example, if you want to live on a homestead and she’s a city girl, watch movies that incorporate rural settings. Get a painting of a beautiful rural landscape. Go to the fair and look at the animals. Start watching Little House on the Prairie when she’s around even if she’s not (initially) interested.

Even if her initial reaction is negative, the more exposure she has, the more she’ll warm up to the idea.

We get “gut feelings” about the right or wrong decision before we consciously decide

Hence the limited utility of reason in persuasion. She’s already made up her mind before you even talk. Reason is useful for helping people believe what they want to believe or for having discussions where intellectual curiosity is the frame. Don’t waste your time trying to reason with a woman under any other circumstances.

The conscious mind sets the goals… the subconscious mind learns how to meet them

One critical task of the husband is to set goals for his wife. Give her the why, the how, and the what (in that order.) If you don’t know how to communicate a vision, watch this.

Instincts do not need to be learned. They run so efficiently that we are not consciously aware of them

Women are not aware of their sexual instincts and their conscious thoughts will even contradict what her instincts want.

To put into to terms closer to home, you do not talk your wife into giving you blowjobs. You just put it front of her face, pull down her head, and let her instincts kick in.

The brain runs on multiple competing programs

Your wife’s brain is in a constant state of tension. She wants to have sex but doesn’t want to be slutty…yet she likes it when you call her one… yet it makes her feel dirty… yet she likes being a dirty girl… but is that a sin?… she doesn’t want to be bad… and yet if she’s bad, she might as well have fun… I DON’T KNOW, SOMEBODY SAVE ME FROM MYSELF!!!

Men are better at sorting out the brain’s conflicting programs than women. This is why she craves for you to make the decision for her. Always assume that she has several conflicting motives and desperately needs you to make a confident decision about what’s happening next.

The context determines whether people respond emotionally or rationally

Would you allow a train to run over one man for the sake of saving five men from getting ran over? Yes?

Would you deliberately push a fat man out of a boat to save the rest of the crew from sinking?

The net result is the same, but when it becomes personal, we make decisions based on emotion. The human brain cannot simultaneously hold a detached rational perspective and a personal emotional perspective at the same time.

As a husband, you need to be aware which frame is more advantageous for the situation. If she’s upset and feels like the current trial is too great to bear, a rational perspective is more helpful. But if she’s in a private investigator mode and demanding you reveal incriminating details (in her eyes), you’ll want to switch it to a personal frame as quickly as possible.

The rewards closer to now or more valued than those in the distant future

Many people think that those who work hard are sacrificing present pleasure for the sake of future gain. But that’s not how the brain works. The brain always maximizes present pleasure… whether that’s sensual pleasure or the pleasure of doing the wise thing or the pleasure of doing what others expect of you.

Distant rewards will not motivate. How can you make the present enjoyable? Or what false assumptions are preventing her from enjoying the present?

We can be easily convinced to give up control in exchange for protection against our future selves

Why do people allow the government to hold onto the money until tax returns? Why do we allow other people to manage our money? Why do people sign up for apps that will shame them on social media if they don’t do their habits?

It’s because we instinctively know that, at some point, we will do something stupid or lazy if left on our own.

Thus we prefer (or can be easily convinced) to give up some control to someone who can prevent us from making bad decisions.

This makes a good starting point for talking about submission. You are not asking her to submit because you want to hold her down. You’re asking her to submit because, as she knows, when she’s caught up in her emotions, she can make decisions that will hurt herself. Position yourself as the responsible adult that can protect her from her future self.

Our brain always invents stories to explain what we observe… often times, these stories are wrong

Something happens. She invents a story to explain it. But she’s not confident in her interpretation. You come in with a confident frame and “mansplain” what’s going on. She now believes your interpretation.

Secrets are unhealthy for the brain to conceal; they need to be released

A secret is essentially a perpetual mental state of holding two conflicting motivations: the desire to share what’s on the mind vs. aversion to sharing due to fear of hurting someone or being ostracized.

The husband can provide a non-judgmental context for his wife to confess her secrets. In many cases, he may need to probe and draw out the secrets. This is analogous to how God wants us to offer up our anxieties to him through prayer.

Simply saying aloud what’s going on in her head will free up mental energy to focus on more important things.

On the flip side, you can plant “secrets” into her head that can only be resolved by having sex. This is the foundation of erotic tension.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Husband as “Cult” Leader

Perhaps the most remarkable red pill phenomenon I’ve witnessed in my life was the radical transformation of my mother after she and my step-dad divorced.

I grew up in various Pentecostal churches. While some were into the “end times” craze, my family never gave it much attention. My step-dad was always a “just the basics” kind of guy: saved by grace, show grace to others.

My mother, too, had always been more concerned with practical matters.

But all that changed after the divorce.

My mother met this guy who was a former undercover cop. He said during his career he had went deep into the inner layers of the Free Mason society and discovered many of their disturbing secrets.

The man believed he had a calling of God to be a prophet and preach the truth in the latter times when the “shit hit the fan.”

My mom went crazy for the guy. Married him months after the divorce. No ceremony. Just a quick trip to a judge.

The guy had a knack for coming up with novel ideas about a wide variety of topics and tying them in to biblical prophecy.

Every day, it was something new. A news story. A new insight from the Scripture. A new health discovery. Something novel every day.

Her new husband was her primary source of information and relief from boredom. Whatever he reported framed her worldview.

He claimed he could understand the “deeper meaning” behind the Greek Septuagint… so she accepted his interpretations as the authoritative Word of God.

He boldy claimed that the modern church was apostate… so she stopped listening to the preachers she used to listen to.

He showed her research on how pharmacy and food companies were poisoning us… so she denounced what she learned in college and her 20 years of experience as a nurse and adapted his philosophy.

Unlike my step-dad, who encouraged my mom to pursue whatever she wished, this guy kept a fairly tight reign on her, only allowing her to go out for pre-approved activities or meet with pre-approved people.

I don’t know much about their sex life, but my younger siblings overheard them one time and said all they could hear was a lot of “thumping.”

The guy also kept my mom busy. He had various health problems so she was always preparing him special food, running errands for him, doing chores on the mini-homestead.

Just a year or so into the marriage, my mom quit her high-paying government job so she could be home full-time with him.

Keep in mind, they have no children to take care of.

Nowadays, they spend their time bunkered down on their mini-homestead preparing for (his) vision of the end times.

I found the transformation remarkable because my mother was always stubbornly independent… even from her childhood. So to witness such a complete transformation in such a short period of time was remarkable.

Now, my point isn’t to judge the veracity of the guy’s claims. I just find it amazing that he was able to transform a woman so quickly.

It reminds me of something I read in Eric Hoffer’s True Believer, a book on the nature of mass movements:

It is a truism that many who join a rising revolutionary movement are attracted by the prospect of sudden and spectacular change in their conditions of life.

He then goes on to describe the difference between self-improvement and a mass movement:

The practical organization offers opportunities for self-advancement, and its appeal is mainly to self-interest. On the other hand, a mass movement, particularly in its active, revivalist phase, appeals not to those intent on bolstering and advancing a cherished self, but to those who crave to be rid of an unwanted self. A mass movement attracts and holds a following not because it can satisfy the desire for self-advancement, but because it can satisfy the passion for self-renunciation.

I’ve noticed that women rarely want to improve the current version of themselves. They want sudden change that allows them to get rid of a hated self.

Thus the appeal of feminism, fad diets, mysticism, and any other thing women go for.

But after observing my mother’s recent marriage, I realized that it is possible for a man to create a “mass movement” of his own within his own household. He only needs one convert: his wife.

It’s not entirely unlike creating a cult: you must draw her away from the world, cut off distracting influences, inspire her to be completely devoted to your cause… which of course should be the same as God’s cause.

I intend to study and experiment with this further and report my findings.

For now, pay attention to your wife’s actions and words:

Does she act out of self-assurance and a desire to improve herself?

Or does she reveal a self-loathing attitude and an aversion to improvement?

If the latter, she is ripe for a radical change… either one of your own devising or one devised by another man.

Test Your Intelligence

Here’s a practical way to test how smart you are.

A woman will often make demonstrably false statements about topics she is unqualified to judge. Furthermore, her argument will either have no point or her point won’t have any reason.

Don’t be fooled by the surface. She is not making an argument.

She is testing your intelligence.

Deep down in her loins, she wants you to intellectually humiliate her. This reassures her that she’s not married to an idiot.

While there’s different ways to demonstrate superior intelligence. Here’s one way to do it:*

  1. Ask her “what’s your point?” or “why?”
  2. Point out how she’s not qualified to have an accurate opinion
  3. Correct her

In situations like these, the point is not to change her mind. The point is to demonstrate that you’re smarter than her. No woman wants to be married to a man of inferior intelligence.

* Lest anyone think I’m being unfair to women, this is how you can challenge ANY one who spouts off nonsense, not just women. But men expect to have their opinions challenged so they normally have a good reason behind what they say. And men normally remain silent when they can’t back up their opinions. Women, on the other hand…