A cautionary tale for red pill married men…
MJ Davis over at Doing Marriage Right has written a superb fictional essay on the sexual frustrations of modern married men.
It’s okay if your sex life is like this today. But don’t get used to it.
The difference between the “Nice Guy” and the Alpha Husband is that alphas don’t settle for bad sex.
Consider this a wake up call.
Full story here:
I thought this blog post I read over at Doing Marriage Right might be an encouragement to some of my readers.
Sadly, sex does not always get off to a good start in a marriage. As the author writes:
As I’ve stated before sex for us began with difficulty. Physical pain and inexperience, with a side of an inability to communicate like adults about sex, led to disappointment for both of us for many years. We have moved past that and sex is now regular and pleasurable. I have chronicled our success in the past.
Orgasm for my wife first came with vibrators, primarily the Hitachi Magic Wand, for many years. She found oral and manual stimulation painful. She said during intercourse, she felt nothing, and if it went too long (like more than a minute or two) it became painful.
But after I read his full story, I was reminded of two important truths:
- Bad sex today doesn’t mean it’s going to remain that way… even if it’s been going on for years
- Couples can still have great sex even after decades of marriage
Sexual problems are almost entirely psychological at the root. And the brain can be rewired over time with effective communication of the truth.
The belief in change is the first step towards healing.
Read the full story here:
Read a sad story over at F My Life:
Today, my wife walked in on me changing and apologized. That’s how sexless our marriage is. FML
Women will frequently do and say things that deeply wound a man’s self-esteem without even realizing what they’re doing. She thinks she’s being “nice.”
This is why the first step to “getting your balls back” is to remove your ego attachment to your wife. You want to get to the point where it doesn’t matter how she responds to you. You’re becoming a better man to please God, not to please your wife.
The next time she makes a hurtful comment, just look at her with pity and think (or say aloud) “You have no idea what’s in store for you, my little kitten.”
Marriage game works. Sometimes even on the brink of divorce.
Take this man for example who was stuck in a sexless marriage with a wife who wanted out:
In the beginning of all this change she was desperate. I will never know what she was thinking and why she wanted a divorce, she wont tell me, and I will not ever ask. She needed something in life and she was striking out every possible way to find it. Think of a cat being thrown into a pool. So the red pill had to be Acta, non verba. I could not discuss anything with her, I just had to deal with her shit tests, improve my SMV, and be the kind of man my son could look up to. Never engaging in fights or insults. The first days were a war zone of nasty comments and snippets such as “Who are you getting all dressed up for?” and “Why do I get stuck with our son and you get to go out?”. She would constantly engage me out of desperation so I didn’t press anything. There was push back with A&A [agree and amplify] and AM. I did follow NMMNG [No More Mr. Nice Guy] and set my boundaries by not engaging and walking away. In a way all I did was pull as a means of pushing. She learned all my boundaries without ever being told what they were.
The problem was there was no sex to begin with. Instantly I had to withdraw and act like divorce was the only solution. Of course we had to interact on day to day business. She came to the conclusion that I had even stopped doing that. One night she had gotten a bit tipsy and in a momentary lapse of judgement she had sex with me. Only it wasn’t the usual foreplay for 3 straight hours with 2 minutes of intercourse. This was passionate kissing her up against a wall, throwing her on the bed, and taking her from behind harder than I ever had in my life. She only had time to say to me “Wow, I wanted fucked but damn if I had known that…” and I was in the shower.
The next day she woke up and came downstairs. I was cheerful and she made me a cup of coffee while I cooked breakfast. We caught up some bills and paperwork and spent about an hour acting like real adults. Time goes on, wash, rinse, repeat, she is beginning to learn. At first she uses alcohol because then after two drinks she is magically not responsible for her behavior. Don’t care. Then in the coming weeks she is actively seeking out sex with me without a drink or two. Attention and time is poured on correspondingly.
Full post here.
You never know when or how the initial spark of passion will catch fire. Just focus on improving your SMV and keep experimenting.
Expect to deal with a lot of “shit tests” in the beginning. But always remember that you’re playing the long game. Do not panic in the face of adversity.
Carry on, good soldier!
(Caption reads: [Woman] “Sex really isn’t that important in a relationship to be honest.” [Commenter: “I’ve never seen a bigger cry for help in a man’s eyes.” Source)
Rumor has it that this viral image was captured from a Christian documentary about “purity through marriage.” Wouldn’t surprise me.
All Satan has to do to make the church impotent is emasculate the men. Make them feel guilty about their sexuality. Make them feel like they’re sinning every day just for being a man. Turn them into eunuchs (i.e. servant “leaders”). Make them submit to their wives. Cut off all channels of help. Make them feel trapped and hopeless.
And raise up church leaders who reinforce this narrative and cast out those who speak against it.
It has taken many years to do this and Satan has almost succeeded. But there is a remnant of righteous men who refuse to submit to this wicked agenda. The bride of Christ will not be so easily debased.
Thought I’d tackle another question from the Grace Centered forum today.
In this case, a guy says he and his wife have vastly different libidos. He feels the need for sexual release 4-5 times a week, while she is only receptive once a month.
After a few years of marriage he took to “helping himself” several times a week to take the edge off. This was easier than getting constantly rejected. He said that since he started doing this, he is not miserable every day like he was during the first few years when he was trying to refrain from “indulging.”
He said that the trouble now is guilt. He doubts that his behavior could be Christian, especially since not every thought in his head is about his wife during masturbation.
He asks if he is fooling around on his wife by having frequent solo “encounters” without her knowledge. Then he expresses the Catch-22 that many Christian guys can relate to:
If so… what the heck is a guy supposed to do? Ive spoken to her about it (believe me!) numerous times and she is sympathetic but please, the girl cant have sex on demand, no should she be expected to ‘manually’ service me on a regular basis should she?
This poor guy’s situation is a prime example of what the Apostle Paul warned about in Colossians 2:
If you have died with Christ to the elementary principles of the world, why, as if you were living in the world, do you submit yourself to decrees, such as, “Do not handle, do not taste, do not touch!” (which all refer to things destined to perish with use)—in accordance with the commandments and teachings of men? These are matters which have, to be sure, the appearance of wisdom in self-made religion and self-abasement and severe treatment of the body, but are of no value against fleshly indulgence.
The masturbation = sin teaching probably wrecks more men’s conscience than anything else. It has a certain “appearance of wisdom” because jerking off is not exactly something to be proud of. It feels good to call it evil and say you’ll never do it again.
But think of it this way:
Your sex organ is certainly something that is “destined to perish with use.” You are not going to be stand before God’s throne on judgment day and be judged for how many times you did or did not tug on your dick. That stuff doesn’t matter. It’s perishable.
What does matter is whether you do the things God actually said in His word, which includes not defining things as “sin” which God did not call sin.
Now I do think that limiting masturbation is a good exercise in self-control and can help increase your masculine energy. But this guy doesn’t have a regular outlet for that masculine energy, so it’s a pointless exercise at this phase.
In terms of guilt about thinking of other women while masturbating… it’s important to distinguish between lust and arousal. Having a sexual thought about a woman or even a sexual act does not automatically equate to sinning. The sin is when you seriously desire to illegitimately have sex with her… like in real life.
Probably not a good idea to intentionally think about another woman while you’re taking care of your business… but I wouldn’t get too bent out of shape if the thoughts cross your mind. It’s normal.
The guy’s real problem is not masturbation (for he’s right, other than sexual immorality, there’s really no practical way for a man to relieve his needs in a situation like that.)
His real problem is how he sees his wife.
First off, he assumes that the problem is his wife has a drastically lower sex drive than he. Possible. But this is often just an excuse men use to protect their own egos. She probably does have a well of sexual energy inside; he just hasn’t tapped into it yet.
It is more likely that she has simply been turned off for a very long time (or is having an affair with an alpha male.)
He refers to his wife as a “a well adjusted and healthy young woman in her 30s.”
If she only has sex once a month, she is not well adjusted… not to marriage at least.
He then says, “the girl cant have sex on demand, no[r] should she be expected to ‘manually’ service me on a regular basis should she?”
“Sex on demand” is a more difficult challenge. But “manual service on a regular basis” would be a good start. I’d say that’d be the bare-minimum to fulfilling Paul’s command to not deprive each other.
In a situation like this, a direct confrontation is probably best. Even many pastors would agree that a wife only giving sex once a month is a serious problem. Confront her about the issue first. Go over 1 Corinthians 7:5. Then bring it up with your church elders if the problem persists.
Even a turned off wife ought to be able to muster up once-a-week duty sex. Otherwise, there’s really nothing bonding the marriage together. Very serious matter.
One of the most popular threads at Grace Centered’s Christian Men Sexual Topics forum is about oral sex.
A man says his wife is resenting him for asking for oral sex almost every day. She wants more romance in the marriage. She wants him to be more sensitive to her needs… not just sexual, but physical and emotional as well.
He said a few years ago, his wife asked him if he would like to receive oral every morning when he woke up. Of course he was thrilled with the idea.
But now she only gives him oral once every few weeks and they “make love” about once a month.
He tries to do a lot of extra favors for his wife like cooking, feeding the pets, washing the clothes, etc. He does all the driving and all the shopping. Because of all these favors, he feels like he should have a “right” to ask for oral sex and not have to beg for it.
But his wife continues to seem irritated that oral sex is the only form of sexual contact he asks for. She gets angry and says “that’s all you want, isn’t it?” or “I would give it to you if you DIDN’T ask for it.”
Both he and his wife are frustrated and trying to resolve the issue.
So what’s going on here?
The guy’s primary mistake is he’s approaching sex with a “tit for tat” attitude. He’s assuming that if he does favors for her, she’ll do favors for him.
This is a common mistake and one that I made myself for several years.
But you’ve got to realize that the favors you do for her around the house have nothing to do with sexual attraction. If anything, they could backfire on you if you do too many. She’ll begin to see you as her man-servant rather than as her sexual man.
Put it this way, if you’re wife doesn’t want to suck your cock, you’re not doing it right.
Never ask for sexual favors. This comes across as needy and is unattractive to women.
Instead, arouse her passions by triggering her sensual imagination. Then when she signals her readiness, give her a command.
Once you tap into that desire, all the other problems will go away.