I’m going to guess that the following two statements are true for most men:
- Men do not want to be porn addicts
- Men do not want to spend 30+ minutes “warming up” a woman every time they feel horny
The two statements are more related than I realized.
Most sex advice I’ve read emphasizes the importance of taking your time with the woman, making sure she’s comfortable, pleasuring her body to get her in the mood, etc.
This is obviously not the instinctual preference of a young man. When a young man is on, he’s like a rutting buck… ready to mount as soon as opportunity presents itself.
The Christian sex manuals I’ve read emphasize that learning to slow down and pleasure a woman is part of learning sacrificial love and patience.
There may be some truth to that.
I think this advice is harmful when it’s presented as the primary sexual strategy for a married man.
I’ve noticed that there are two “schools of thought” when it comes to arousing a woman:
- Focus on her pleasure
- Focus on your pleasure
Both of these approaches can work. But the first is difficult to sustain.
It takes tremendous willpower to spend an hour “warming up” a woman night after night.
Willpower rapidly depletes over time. Maybe you can pull it off a night or two. But if it takes that much heavy lifting to get a woman ready, it’s just not a sustainable strategy.
The more a man tries to please his woman, the more frustrated he gets and the more likely he is to be driven back to porn.
Now, I’ll confess: In terms of skill, I am not very good in the bedroom (yet.) I have good frame control and can keep the desire alive, but my bedroom performance is rather dull.
Whenever I try to please her, it doesn’t go well. But I’ve noticed that whenever I focus on my pleasure–even with my lackluster skills– she ends up having a good time.
From a red pilled perspective, this makes sense. We know that women desire to be used by a man. So when a man takes raw primal pleasure in her body, it’s going to be arousing to her.
Now here’s where things get interesting:
Most pornography is a Type 1 fantasy. It’s all about her pleasure.
The camera is centered on the woman the whole time and she’s moaning and groaning. The man is in the background and contributes nothing more to the scene than a ridiculously sized plowing tool.
Based on my experience and what I’ve read in the manosphere, this is not at all how real women behave during sex.
Porn is designed to appeal to the ultimate beta male fantasy:
Pleasure a woman to ecstasy. Cut out the boring 30+ minutes of foreplay.
Contrast this to the erotica that women read:
The man takes primal pleasure in the woman. He uses her body when and how he pleases. The sexual encounters are centered on the man and his primal urges.
While men are often vilified in Christian circles for looking at pornography, the irony is that porn is just reinforcing the same message men get in the church: the pussy and her pleasure is the focal point of the sexual relationship.
Men are told to “sacrifice” their pleasure and instincts in order to please their wives.
Ironically, this leaves both parties unfulfilled and frustrated.
If we truly want to help men overcome their porn addictions, we shouldn’t shame them for wanting to look at.
We should make fun of porn. And not just porn, but all ineffective sexual strategies that place the pussy on a pedestal.
It’s only when men begin focusing on their own pleasure that we will finally have happy women.
Btw, my posting frequency on this blog may slow down for a bit. Focusing on growing an audience on Twitter. I’m at 210 followers right now. If I can get up to 500 in the next several weeks, I’ll take that as validation that I’ve got a good message-audience match. If you come here looking for updates, you can read my compressed thoughts on Twitter.
One thing you all may or may not know about me is I’m a hardcore productivity nerd. This is stereotypical of the INTJ personality type.
Even as young as 10 years old, I was jotting down thoughts in my notebook, trying to figure out the best practice routine to become good enough to become an NBA basketball player. (That goal didn’t quite materialize obviously, but the process was valuable.)
I’ve experimented with dozens of productivity systems over the years and all of them have proven to be ineffective at dealing with the demands of the 21st century man. It’s been an intriguing, yet frustrating journey.
But a few months ago, I finally found someone who’s really figuring it out. How to actually produce value in an age of endless distractions and “information overload” without closing yourself off to opportunities.
His name is Tiago Forte.
His writing is rather detailed, so if you’re not a productivity nerd like myself, you may find it difficult to get into. But his solutions are simple and effective.
I’d like to share two key lessons and thoughts I’ve taken away as result of studying his stuff. (I’m blending some of my red pill perspective to his concepts here, so don’t take this as an accurate summary of his work.)
Lesson #1: Define your projects, or someone else will define them for you
Defining your own mission is Masculinity 101. But after studying Tiago’s work, I’ve decided it’s more useful to say define your projects.
Projects are more tangible than a mission. Projects are what we actually spend a good portion of our lives on. So if someone else is defining your projects, it means someone else is controlling your life.
An eye-opening exercise is to write down all the projects your working on now and then see if you can map your projects to a goal that you’ve defined.
Many times, we work on projects that have no goal attached to them… or at least, no goal of our own.
A few common examples:
Are you doing yard work because your wife wanted you to… or because you set the goal of upgrading your yard?
Do you complete all the assigned projects from your boss because you’re afraid of getting fired… or because it’s helping you move towards a career goal that you set for yourself?
Are you changing your diet because someone shamed you for your bad health habits… or because you set a goal that requires you to be healthy?
Tragically, most men spend their lives working on projects that advance the goals of other men, but not their own.
Awareness is the first step to changing that.
Lesson #2: There is no value in “getting things done”
Tiago opened my eyes to the fact that their are 3 common “schools” of productivity:
The Energy School – keep your energy level high so you can complete your tasks. Eat healthy, work out, etc.
The Focus School – get yourself into a state of flow and stay there as long as you can. Cut out distractions. Block out large chunks of time.
The Efficiency School – cut out all unnecessary activities to save time and money. Automate and eliminate.
All of these schools of thought have their merits. But the underlying flaw is that they all focus on completing tasks without taking into account the value that is created from completing the tasks.
In the 21st century, it’s becoming increasingly risky to undertake large projects. The flow of information is so rapid, that by time you complete a project, it might no longer be relevant. Or you discover that no one cared in the first place.
Furthermore, a “task” is nothing but an abstract unit with no inherent value. If someone came and deleted your task list, would your work be destroyed? No.
The value of your work is what you deliver to someone else. Not the tasks you completed or your task list.
This is why Tiago advocates a 4th “school” of productivity:
The Value School – deliver value in smaller chunks. Create the smallest unit of value you can and show it to someone.
This is one reason I started using Twitter. I have lots of ideas in my head that are never “released” simply because of the time and effort it takes to write a post. Some of those ideas might add value to someone’s life, but I’d never know if I never released it.
Or some of my ideas might be bad ideas, but I’d never know until I release it and get feedback.
Even with my sloppy quick-hit style posts, I still need to have a minimum of 10-15 minutes focus to release my ideas into the wild. That takes too much energy to do for every notable idea. But with Twitter, I can release a complete idea in less than 1 minute and get feedback on it.
Don’t measure your productivity by tasks complete. Measure it by value delivered.
Alright. Enough nerding out. Go follow me on Twitter if you want to extract as much value from my brain as your heart desires.
It seems that my recent tweet is striking a chord with a lot of men:
This is well on it’s way to becoming my most popular tweet yet.
Men are tired of being slaves.
Perhaps it is time to revive the ancient vision of the “land flowing with milk and honey.”
For more masculine vision, check out my Twitter page. There are currently 163 cool/smart people following me. And you want to be cool too, right?
As a follow up to yesterday’s post, I thought this “No Reason to Hit a Woman” bit from comedian Bill Burr would be appropriate:
The clip contains profanity so keep the children out of the room (unless swearing is a family pastime.)
Criminals only respond to law and punishment.
Non-criminals do not need to be reprimanded.
If someone is trying to “persuade” you to avoid evil, something fishy is going down.
There’s a rarely discussed passage tucked away in 1 Timothy that has the power to set a man free from bondage.
It took me awhile to recognize how pervasive this practice is. It’s worth pondering.
Some have strayed from [love] and turned aside to empty talk. They want to be teachers of the Law, but they do not understand what they are saying or that which they so confidently assert. Now we know that the Law is good, if one uses it legitimately. We realize that law is not enacted for the righteous, but for the lawless and rebellious (1 Tim 1:6-9)
One of the earliest tells of a manipulator (or victim of manipulation) is that they will take a law intended for criminals, and twist it in order to shame normal people (or themselves.)
A modern example of this is “toxic masculinity.”
“Toxic masculinity” is a concept that only applies to criminals: wife beaters, rapists, violent gangs, etc.
Normal men do not wish to harm a woman. The warning is entirely unnecessary.
Yet the rhetoric is used to shame ordinary men into thinking there is something wrong with them.
Sensitive souls can be beaten down by treating them like criminals.
My percussion professor in college was a wise man. He would often speak in paradoxes.
Often, as he would stand in front of the ensemble and deliver a verbal flogging, he would close with this remark:
“If you’re worried about this, you’re not the one I’m talking to.”
Severe warnings are only necessary for the rebellious.
You’ll read a lot on the manosphere about the importance of having or purpose or “mission.”
And I realized:
A lot men are constantly wondering, “Great, but how in the hell do I find it?”
Some guys simply say getting in shape is your mission, or making money, or whatever your trying to improve.
For some men, that can work. But if you’re like me, you need something more compelling than self-improvement to motivate you to stick through the tough times.
Here’s a simple method I recently came up with for discovering your true purpose.
- Ask yourself what you want to improve
- Ask yourself “why?” until you can answer no further
The answer you’re left with is what is truly driving your actions. The sooner you admit and embrace this drive, the sooner you’ll find your personal power.
“I want to lose weight.”
“So I become more attractive to my wife/women.”
“Because I want to have more sex.”
“I don’t know. There’s just something deeply satisfying about penetrating a woman and releasing my seed.”
There’s your purpose.
People tend to focus on deficiencies rather than purpose.
If the story you’re telling yourself is “I need to lose weight” or “I need to make more money” or whatever, you’ll quickly give up when things get difficult.
“Be a better person” is not a compelling (or honest) motive.
Neither is “glorify God and enjoy him forever.”
These are pseudo-purposes that make you feel like you’re a good person, yet give you no real power to change.
Which sounds more compelling? Losing a few pounds? Or penetrating a woman with the raw, unhindered strength of a warrior?
Which one are you visualizing as you improve yourself?
(And, last I checked, constant sexual activity with your woman is one of the most godly purposes a man can pursue (c.f. Ephesians 5; 1 Cor 7, et al))
Focus on the purpose, not the deficiencies.
Embrace what you truly want, even it seems “selfish” or “juvenile.”
It’s the only thing that will truly motivate you to become a better man.
For more goodies, follow me on Twitter.
This last Sunday I attended a friend’s church. It was a contemporary-style church.
I’ve been attending a more traditional church for the past five or six years, so I’ve been a bit out of touch with that world.
I will say that they’ve certainly upped their game. The worship service is essentially a rock concert.
They brought in a guest speaker who, I am quite confident, was a trained hypnotist.
Nothing wrong with hypnosis per se. It’s simply a conversational form of persuasion. Being hypnotized is actually an enjoyable part of life (e.g. listening to stories, watching a fire, etc.)
The problem I have is when the speaker’s persuasion skills are represented as the “spirit of God” that is moving people to the altar call.
It was not the Spirit of God that moved those people to go up to the “altar.” It was a carefully structured sequence of hypnotic stories.
If you’re unfamiliar with how persuasion and hypnosis work, it’s difficult to explain in a short post. I’ll just say I was surprised at how many of the elements were used. And they were so skillfully executed that there is no way he hadn’t undergone extensive training.
Anyhow, after the altar call, the pastor’s wife went up to the stage, grabbed the mic, and started speaking a “word.”
She started saying how “God was going to move in this congregation.” She shared how He was already doing mighty things. She shared her story about how the doctor said they couldn’t have any kids.
And, I kid you not, she paused her story to emphatically say,
“The reason we could not have kids is because my husband is sterile.”
Apparently, that was an important detail to disclose.
Talk about kicking a man where it hurts.
This is roughly equivalent to a man announcing to the congregation:
“As you may know, my wife has unusually small breasts. Even after pregnancy, her breasts simply could not produce an adequate milk supply to nourish our children. That’s why it was necessary to find a better endowed woman to nurse our children. And praise God, he provided!”
It may be a legitimate issue. But there’s such a thing as a showing basic respect for another’s sexual dignity by not calling public attention to their biological shortcomings.
Maybe I’m just old-fashioned that way.
All in all, it was an entertaining experience. Though honestly, a stand-up comedian would be more enjoyable. No point in trying to mix in all those bible passages. It kind of disrupts the flow.
Note: This was originally a Twitter thread I posted a week or so ago. It generated a fair amount of negative backlash so I thought I’d post it here for your amusement. Some may find it offensive. Some may find it liberating.
One of the most important lessons I learned as a man was how to recognize manipulation.
There are a group of people called “sociopaths” who (for whatever reason) have no problem hurting others.
According to Dr. Martha Stout, sociopaths make up about 4% of the population (1 in 25 people.)
These people are motivated by one thing: control over others.
They have no problem lying, taking your money, or doing whatever it takes to control you.
Thus the appeal of religion.
Sociopaths are keenly observant of human behavior.
They figured out long ago that if they make a man feel ashamed of his sexual impulses, they could control the man.
Sexual impulses never end. This creates perpetual & incurable guilt. Perfect conditions for religious control.
The person most likely to be abused by a religious sociopath is someone with a guilty conscience who is earnestly seeking relief.
Once they capture all their perfect converts, they use propaganda to manufacture guilt where none previously existed.
The surest way to tell a religious authority is about to pitch you a pile of bullshit?
He opens his argument with lofty appeals to “holiness” followed by the “unworthiness” of man.
This rhetoric is designed to turn off critical thinking. “How DARE you question God Almighty!”
Some favored rhetoric of contemporary religious sociopaths:
“Be a servant leader”
“Every man’s battle” [with “lust”]
“God hates divorce”
“Be a one woman man” [i.e. “eyes for only her”]
These are ambiguous (and un-biblical) commands that place heavy burdens on a man’s sexuality.
To be fair, many religious leaders are NOT sociopaths.
They may be victims just like the people they’re trying to help.
They may repeat the same rhetoric because that’s what they were taught.
Most pastors are too afraid to examine the Scriptures independent of tradition.
Normal people are duped by sociopaths because we have difficulty believing only certain people could be “pure evil.”
Instead, we emphasize that we all have a “sin nature.” Any of us would commit great evil in the right conditions.
Thus our abusive leaders are excused as “fallible humans.”
Sociopaths never look like stereotypical “evil” people.
They are charming, articulate, and appear to be “good” people.
They can often articulate an underlying insecurity or belief better than we can ourselves.
We tend to trust people who can articulate our own thoughts.
Never trust someone because they appear to be righteous or have authority.
Instead, ask yourself:
“Are they giving me truth that sets me free? Or pseudo-truth that keeps me in bondage?”
If a religious authority is constantly appealing to your sense of pity, and yet leaves you feeling ashamed of your sexuality…
Chances are close to 100% that you’re dealing with a sociopath.
In our day, the religious “pity play” is an appeal to the woman.
“Think of your poor wife!”
“You need to man up and be a better husband.”
“How DARE you treat a woman that way!”
Pity drives out objective thinking and puts you in perfect state for manipulation.
Follow me on Twitter for the latest.
I recently read about a fascinating study on the psychology of killing.
Brig. Gen. S. L. A Marshall was a United States combat historian in the Pacific during World War II. And he observed a fascinating phenomena that occurred many times in his studies:
Almost all soldiers would obey and fire their weapons while their leaders were present to command them, but when the leaders left, the firing rate immediately dropped to between 15-20%.
Not only would the firing rate drop, the accuracy would plummet as well. The soldiers would essentially “cheat” on they duty to kill by deliberately missing.
Marshall believed the great relief displayed by the soldiers was not so much because they realized they were safer, but because they were no longer under the compulsion to kill.
Killing another human being is unnatural. Normal men with a conscience cannot do it without extensive training (or perhaps a compelling self-defense context).
Sure, we can fantasize about killing. Yet when it comes to actually pulling the trigger, we are unable to do the deed…
Unless we are compelled to do so by a present authority.
It is this “nearness of authority” that drives much of our behavior and even overrides our conscience. Most of us will obey someone who looks like an authority and is telling us what to do right now.
War gives a graphic microcosm of human nature. It’s the ultimate contest between conscience and authority. Authority wins when it is present. Conscience wins when authority is absent.
This is why those who wish to manipulate depend on a constant present authority.
We may not be asked to fire a gun to kill, but men are asked to violate their conscience in a variety of other ways in the nearness of authority:
- You know the Scriptures say one thing, but the preacher says another thing from the pulpit… so you doubt your conscience.
- You know the right thing to do, but your wife is so upset by it… so you hold off (since you’ve been conditioned to view a woman’s approval as authoritative.)
- You decided in your conscience that something was “pure” and “undefiled” but then you read a strongly opinionated article online by a persuasive writer… so you doubt.
- You decide the life path that’s best for you, but your father disproves, so you “put your dreams on hold” for something more “sensible.”
- You want to live a certain lifestyle, but no one else in your religious circle is living like that… so maybe it’s not appropriate.
Real masculine power comes from the ability to follow your conscience in the face of present authority.
It’s easy to follow your conscience when the authority is distant. It’s when perceived authority is near that our true character is tested.
This is why it’s not uncommon to see men with a masculine exterior (a “man’s man”) who are privately fearful of their wives’ wrath on a daily basis.
A woman’s disapproval is the nearest “authority” that a man encounters on a daily basis.
It’s easy to talk about your bold politics. Not so easy to face an angry woman in the home.
The home is where the real test of manhood takes place. And there is no one there to witness your struggles and victories. It’s a private battle.
If you can face your angry woman without compromising your conscience, the more distant “authorities” will seem less threatening.
Further reading on conscience vs. authority:
Femininity is good. But “the dose makes the poison.”
This is why maintaining frame control and passing shit tests is so difficult for most men. We’ve been trained from our youth to seek female approval.
This is made doubly difficult because men naturally pity women. This pity is good, but it can be easily manipulated.
Be mindful of your reaction time between feeling pity and responding.
The “nice” approach isn’t always advantageous.
Pity is a choice.
And your woman has no authority over your life.