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When it comes to women, it’s an all or nothing game. If you’re alpha, you get all the best from a woman in increasing quantities over time. If you’re beta, you get all the worst from a woman in increasing quantities over time.

When I was a single in college, I was an introvert who was completely clueless about women. I never had a girlfriend prior to my wife. My physical appearance was sub-optimal to say the least. But I had a vision for my life. This vision translated into a genuine “IDGAF” attitude and a single-minded devotion to my cause that she found intriguing. I also had a vision for her life (an underestimated quality in game theory IMO.)

So in spite of my flaws, I had enough of an alpha vibe going to bring an attractive woman into my life. I never had to “ask her out” and she even dumped her current boyfriend at the time so she could be with me. (Vision is powerful.)

(I had also earnestly prayed specifically for a beautiful wife since I was a teenager. Another underestimated strategy for wife-getting.)

So when I met my wife, I didn’t think of it as getting “lucky” nor did I understand why she was attracted to me. I just assumed it was destiny and told her we should probably get married.

But shortly after we got married I became a beta. I tried to make her the center of my life. I started believing people when they said how “lucky” I was to have such a lovely wife. I started thinking “I better not screw this up. I’m going to do everything I can to be a good husband.”

But, much to my confusion, the harder I tried to be a better husband the unhappier she got.

I had a meager sex life the first several years of marriage. I felt lucky if I got any kind of action once-a-week. And I certainly didn’t want to bug her or pressure he to do anything more than that.

That’s the beta side of sex.

But after discovering the truth about women’s sexual preferences thanks to the red pill movement, I managed to “crack the alpha code” and turn my marriage around. The differences of experience is astounding.

It wasn’t an instant transformation. But it was a transformation that led to accelerated returns. What started as simply me feeling a little more confident turned into her nagging me less… which turned into more action and a happier woman… which turned into her doing things on her own initiative that she previously said she’d never do… and the rewards just seem to keep coming.

The marriage experience as alpha vs. the marriage experience as a beta is night and day.

“Christian” marriage advice is a scam because it doesn’t teach men and women to be happy. Rather, it only teaches men and women to reframe their standards to accept smaller blessings and learn how to cope with another “sinner.”

But, because the differences are so extreme between the alpha marriage and the beta marriage, I feel it would be a crime to merely equip men with “coping tools”. I don’t want to give you a metaphorical aspirin for your marriage. I want to help you restore your health as a man at the deepest level.

Because of this vital distinction, I think it is important to have clear and practical indicators to know whether you’re truly on the alpha path or not. It does a man no good to merely imitate alpha behaviors while never truly reaping the alpha rewards.


Alpha vs. Beta: A Practical Distinction

There are two aspects to determining whether you’re on the alpha path: the internal feedback and the external feedback.

The external feedback comes from your wife. Does she actively try to please you or does she merely comply with your demands?

A brutal, but effective test for this is as follows:

Don’t initiate sex for a week and don’t drop any hints that you’re interested. Does she initiate sex?

As Rollo Tomassi has pointed out, women have sex with alphas for validation; sex with betas is transactional. In other words, a woman needs to have sex with an alpha and if she doesn’t get it for an extended period of time she become anxious and seeks it out to validate herself. To use an analogy, it’s like a woman posting something on Facebook and anxiously checking in to see if anyone “liked” it. This is how a woman feels in the presence of an alpha husband. Every sexual act, regardless of how “good” it was, is like another “thumbs up” that validates her. It’s not so much the quality of the sex that matters, it’s the validation.

But sex with a beta is done from a sense of (reluctant) obligation. This is why wives often worry about “mismatched libidos” or ask “how often should married couples have sex to maintain a healthy marriage?” These questions indicate she’s looking for the minimum acceptable dose to qualify as performing her “Christian duty.”

My guess is that very few Christian men experience a true alpha frame. At best, they experience a beta frame with some “game” tactics thrown in to give the illusion of progress.

But do not despair. Your future is not determined by her current response to you. If you are willing to set your ego aside, there is an internal feedback you can use to recognize whether you are on your way to being a true alpha or not.

I’ll say it again: your ego is what will prevent you from becoming a true alpha in your marriage. Everybody wants to identify as the alpha. But it’s more useful to accurately identify yourself as a beta so you can finally recognize the root of the problem.

The internal feedback you need to examine in yourself is this:

Do you play to win? Or do you play to not lose?

Every time you try something, your most likely outcome on the first attempt is no success.

For example, if you call a company to see if they need your skill set, they will most likely decline.

The first time you try a new move in the bedroom, it will most likely not work.

The first time you try to assert yourself, you will most likely not be taken seriously.

You get the idea.

Your response to these kind of scenarios is what determines whether you can become the true alpha. Alpha and beta is not just about your behavior in the sexual arena. It’s how you approach all of life.

Alphas play to win. They know that every time they try something, they have a chance of winning.

Betas play to not lose. They interpret “no success” as failure and play it “safe” to avoid pain.

The alpha will contact the company unsolicited because they might have work for him. The beta will avoid the call out of fear of rejection or making some blunder that will cost the sale.

The alpha will invest some of his money in a new business venture because he might be successful. The beta fears losing his money and so he “responsibly” keeps it all in a savings account.

The alpha will pay for information that might give him a personal advantage. The beta worries about getting “ripped off” and so doesn’t buy the eBook, course, membership, etc. saying it’s “too expensive.”

The alpha will try out a novel idea he learned from a stranger on the internet because it might work. The beta will disagree with the idea and rationalize how it won’t work in his situation… or else he’ll agree with it and tell himself he’ll try it when “the time is right.”

The alpha will speak his mind or publish his thoughts because he is probably right. The beta will remain silent because he might be wrong.

The alpha will prioritize his own interests above his employer’s because he’s playing to succeed in his mission. The beta will say “yes” to everything the boss says because he doesn’t want to lose his job.

The alpha will get his “skin in the game” right away so he gets immediate feedback. The beta will spend his time prepping and organizing but avoids making first contact, telling himself he only wants to put his “best foot forward.”

The alpha will try new approaches with his wife if what he’s currently doing isn’t working. The beta will continue to use the same approach because the new approach might offend her.

Alphas are unphased by a lack of success. They know there will always be another opportunity. They do everything they can to increase their chances of success and they keep trying.

Betas are devastated by a lack of success. They think they had only one chance and they blew it. They do everything they can to avoid failure and only try things once.

I know all this because I’ve been on both sides of the equation.

If you want to become the alpha that a woman needs to have sex with, tell yourself the following statement every time you face hesitation:

I’m the type of man who plays to win.