It’s not unreasonable to compare marriage to a war zone.
God describes this conflict in Genesis 3:
Your desire shall be contrary to your husband,
but he shall rule over you.
This is a conflict that the man must win. The unhappiness that results from the woman “winning” is obvious to anyone not deeply invested in the feminist narrative.
So with that said, here are what I believe are the 7 essential tools (or “weapons” if you prefer more violent terminology) that a man needs to have a sexually fulfilled, God-honoring marriage:
#1: A High Sexual Market Value
Most men think that after they get “hitched” they no longer have to think about being attractive to women. This is a big mistake. One of the biggest reason men are afraid to provide strong masculine leadership is because they are terrified of losing their wife.
The man who knows he can get a younger, hotter wife should his current wife ever go psycho and leave him or give him legitimate cause for divorce is a man who has the confidence to subdue his wife. And though she’ll never admit it, your wife will sense this and become aroused by it.
When it comes to getting laid, attraction is more powerful than “the Bible says…”
Improving your sexual attractiveness is the best framework for self-improvement and the benefits go beyond just the sexual. I hope to publish a test soon to help married Christian men estimate their sexual attractiveness. Until then, use the one at Chateau Heartiste and make ethical adjustments accordingly.
#2: Frame Control
Watch this five minute video. Realize that this exact thing happens in your marriage.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that learning to recognize and control frames will change your marriage and your life. The simplest way to control the frame is to imagine that your wife is a child.
#3: The Ability to Refrain from Compulsive Masturbation
In spite of what some Christians teach, it is clearly unbiblical to call masturbation a sin. It’s a perfectly natural thing to do once in a while if you need to relax or if you feel like a raging animal and your wife is not available.
However, if you feel the need to grab your dick and jerk yourself off every time you get a boner, this is a sign of weakness. You’ll have difficulty lasting in the bedroom. You’ll be drained of masculine energy and less likely to take risks. You’ll imagine confronting your wife like a man or dominating her in the bedroom… then you’ll chicken out at the last second or else your execution will be so flaccid that she’ll just wonder what in the hell you’re trying to do.
I don’t recommend trying to go “cold turkey” but it’s good to embrace the feeling of being “on edge.” Save the self-release valve for when boldness is really not advantageous or for when you’ve reached your limit and your wife is unavailable for you to unleash the beast.
#4: Irrational Confidence
Most men base their confidence on their achievements. That’s a perfectly valid basis for confidence. But in order to achieve a masculine pursuit (like subduing a woman) you need an even deeper source of confidence… an irrational confidence.
When you’re around your wife, it doesn’t matter how much of a loser you are objectively. Your confidence comes simply from the fact that you have balls. Your wife needs your cock. And she needs your semen. She is unable to fulfill herself. You allow her to feast upon your manhood because of your kindness.
In your household, you are the alpha male.
#5: Good Genes to Show Off
Being nice doesn’t get you laid. Neither does being a jerk. It’s all about your genes.
I think Scott Adams said it best:
A man who thinks humans are rational creatures might try to attract a woman by being extra nice. That seems reasonable because people like nice people more than they like mean people. But seduction-wise, niceness is boring, and nice people are a dime-a-dozen. Niceness can only get you so far.
A far better seduction strategy would involve participating in any kind of coed group activities at which you happen to excel. When you display any kind of talent, it triggers other humans to want to mate with you. We’re biologically hardwired to be attracted to anything that helps the gene pool, and talent is a signal for valuable genes. So instead of being nice, focus on being talented, or attractive, or smart, or muscular, or something that suggests you have good genes.
A common misconception is that because nice guys seem to finish last, and jerky guys seem to get the women, being a jerk must have some sort of seduction advantage. It doesn’t. That’s an illusion caused by the fact that people who have OTHER advantages – such as wealth or beauty – have the freedom to act like jerks because they can attract mates no matter what. If you don’t understand what motivates people at a deep level, you might be fooled by your observation that jerks often do well in romance. If being mean were useful to getting sex, you would see ugly people doing it more often with great success. But keep your eyes open and you’ll notice that attractive people can get away with being mean, and ugly people can’t. Attractiveness is the key correlation.
Even though the vast majority of sex does not lead to conception, signs of good baby-making is always the foundation of sexual attraction.
Don’t try to flaunt what you don’t have. Identify your best attributes and constantly put those on display. Sexualize your talents. Then take her into the bedroom to remind her why she once yearned for your seed.
#6: Manipulation Immunity
Never panic in the face of adversity. When you make a decision, don’t let her fears and anxiety derail you from following through. Don’t let her guilt-trip you.
Be open to negotiation without compromising your mission. And it’s always your mission. It’s your interpretation of what God wants you to do. She has the privilege of joining you on this righteous mission.
Don’t be so quick to act upon the things she feels are urgent. They are probably not.
Keep calm and carry on.
#7: Ego Control
If you’re reading this, you have an ego problem. We all do.
I’m not talking about “ego” in a Freudian sense. I’m talking about our unhealthy focus on status. It’s the need to be better than others, have more than others, be recognized by others.
Our egos are what distorts our sense of reality and prevents us from achieving our goals, sexual or otherwise. The ego craves recognition more than genuine success and real blessings.
The biblical definition of a fool, in modern lingo, is someone who lets their ego govern their life instead of wisdom.
Ego is why we talk about the “war on men” but we don’t put in the work needed to become more masculine.
Ego is why we settle for approval and recognition from others (e.g. church, parents, boss, wife) while neglecting to do what we know God wants us to do.
Ego is why we refuse to accept truths about women discovered by those with more sexual experience than us (even if those truths don’t always come from the most godly sources).
Ego is why we vent our frustrations about women without coming up with a strategy to fix the problem.
Ego is why we become bitter or even lash out at our wives rather than accepting that they may never understand us but we can love them anyways.
Ego is why we choose to settle for watching porn rather than face the initial awkwardness of trying to be a real man in the bedroom.
Ego is why we overestimate our sexual attractiveness.
Ego is why we make good intentions to change ourselves but then procrastinate. It’s always easier to watch another TV show, play another video game, or spend another half-hour goofing around on the internet than it is to accept the amount of work we have to do and learn to enjoy it.
All this and more is how ego sabotages our ability to achieve a happy marriage. (For more on the ego, I cannot recommend highly enough Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday.)
Remember, it’s the fear of the Lord that’s the beginning of wisdom.
When you care more about what God thinks of you than what your wife or other men think of you, you will understand wisdom. And wisdom is the key to obtaining blessings, including the “blessings of the breasts.”
Now go forth and conquer!
NOTE: These “tools” were adapted and expanded from the principles found in the 16 Commandments of Poon.