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Toxic femininity

Femininity is good. But “the dose makes the poison.”

This is why maintaining frame control and passing shit tests is so difficult for most men. We’ve been trained from our youth to seek female approval.

This is made doubly difficult because men naturally pity women. This pity is good, but it can be easily manipulated.

Be mindful of your reaction time between feeling pity and responding.

The “nice” approach isn’t always advantageous.

Pity is a choice.

And your woman has no authority over your life.

I’m tweeting with the big birds now

I’ve finally decided to give this newfangled Twitter a try. Here’s why:

The second wave of the red pill is growing fast. There is a huge audience of young men hungry for masculine mentorship. And they’re mostly hanging out on Twitter and YouTube.

Gotta fish where the fishes are.

I’m already getting some traction. This tweet of mine was picked up by Rollo Tomassi and went semi-viral:

I’ve almost got as many followers in less than 1 week on Twitter than I do readers from almost a year of blogging.

Granted, a blog reader is more engaged than a Twitter follower. But Twitter is a great first contact medium.

Btw, “Unbound Men” is a “re-branding” experiment I’m doing.

I originally wanted to help Christian men mold better women and have a better sex life.

Now I’m realizing the problem is more fundamental:

We need to heal the inner man.

We cannot “save Eve” when we can’t even stand up straight as men.

“Put your own oxygen mask on first” as the saying goes.

Anyhow, I expect I’ll be updating my blog soon to better align with this mission.

In the meantime, if you’re into Twitter, you can follow my latest musings and brain farts.


A strong disagreement

OKRickety “strongly disagrees” with my claim that the line “God hates divorce” is unbiblical:

I, along with many others, do not agree with your statement that “the scriptures do not say that God hates divorce”. In fact, the BibleHub link you provide to Malachi 2:16 transliterates the text as “Yahweh says divorce that He hates”. And, if you follow the link it has to Strongs Hebrew 7971 shalach, its reference to Malachi 2:16 states that the sending away, shalach, in that instance is equal to divorce.

As to the concept that divorce was “for wives”, I find that impossible to reconcile with the fact that the Mosaic Law only allowed men to divorce their wives, not the other way around. Nor do I see any suggestion that Deut. 24:1-4 is primarily to prevent women from being abused.

Just for good measure, I will point out that it is very common for Christian  women to maintain that they are shamed into remaining in abusive marriages by “modern religion” when they would much rather divorce.

While I am generally in agreement with the rest of your post, I disagree strongly with your footnote (asterisk).

Let’s unpack this a little further:

The belief that God hates divorce depends upon the definition of a Hebrew term shalach. This word is translated as “divorce” in many modern English translations in Malachi 2:16. Older translations use “putting away.”

Usage determines the meaning of a word, not a single translators choice. A dictionary is only as good as it accurately summarizes the uses of the term.

So how is the term shalach used in the Bible? We can find out with a concordance. I’ve bolded the English phrases translated from shalach:

God sent him forth from the garden (Gen 3:23)

Send me away unto my master. (Gen 24:54)

The Lord said unto Moses, Put forth thine hand (Ex 4:4)

These are just a few of 847 examples. There is no doubt about the biblical usage of the term. It simply meant “to send” or “put forth.”

The Hebrews had a separate concept for divorce: kerithuthIt’s only used 4 times in the Old Testament. Twice in Deuteronomy 24.

The context reveals God’s heart for divorce:

When a man takes a wife and possesses her, and it comes to be that she should not find favor in his eyes, because he has found in her the nakedness of anything, then he would write for her a scroll of divorce, give it into her hand and send her away from his house. When she goes forth from his house, goes and becomes another man’s, and the man (the latter one) dislikes her, then he would write for her a scroll of divorce, give it into her hand and send her away from his house. Or when the man should die (the latter one who took her to himself as a wife), then her possessor (the former one who had sent her away) shall not be able to reverse himself to take her back to become his wife after she had had herself defiled, for that is an abhorrence before Yahweh.

Clearly, the point of the divorce law was to prevent the woman from having to remain bound to or return to her first husband. The woman had been “defiled” (through abuse) and so it would be abhorrent before God to have her go back to an abusive husband.

A lot of red pilled men seem to forget that abuse of women at the hands of men really does occur. We are living in unusual times today in that the man is always assumed to be guilty.

Painting men as rapists by default is harmful to both men and to the women who truly are being abused. How can we tell if a woman’s testimony is legit or if she’s just an attention whore?

Regardless, many Christians believe hatred of divorce is the righteous attitude regardless of circumstances.

But like many of the so-called “tenants of the faith”, this belief comes from ego-investment in man-made religion rather than from the Scriptures.

I suspect there is a certain objection to this argument. I will delve into this in more detail if someone brings it up.

The manipulated man

A long time ago, there were clear rites of passage for a boy to become a man.

Today, we have no such rituals. Perhaps the closest common experience we have is graduating high school or college.

What does it take to graduate school?

Do your assignments.

Pass the tests.

Tolerate boredom.

It takes no feat of courage to graduate school. To the contrary, boys are trained to seek the approval of the teacher (usually a female). In negative terms: don’t be rejected and you will succeed. This is the opposite of courage. It’s the opposite of what real life requires of a man.

It is rare that a teacher will encourage boys to experiment… to try a new idea… an idea that could be wrong.

Instead, we’re trained to ask, “will this be on the test?”

If a boy passes enough of these tests, he supposedly becomes a man and is ceremoniously released into the “real world.”

But inwardly, he does not feel like a man. He lacks direction. The burden of performance is great. And he feels unable to cope.

Assuming he does not immediately give up, he is forced to initiate his own rite of passage. He must find his own “Hero’s Journey.”

Yet the inner boy is not prepared for this journey.

He soon discovers that there are no adequate role models of mature, successful men in his life.

It’s “every man for himself.”

In desperation, he attempts a move. He takes a stab at what he was perhaps created to do.

His first attempt is unsuccessful.

His efforts are met with hostility. He is ignored and belittled.

He failed the “test.” He got the “wrong” answer.

So what is he supposed to do?

The “correct” answer is given to him:

It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. Be grateful for what you have. Work hard and try to keep your job. It’s a tough economy out there. Remember that family comes first. And you better treat your woman well. You’re a lucky guy. Don’t blow it.

OK. Now he knows how to pass the test:

  1. Keep the boss happy
  2. Keep the parents happy
  3. Keep the wife happy

Oh, and what about God? Doesn’t he have the highest authority?

Well, turns out He wants the same things:

  1. “One who does not provide for his own is worse than a heathen”
  2. “Honor your father and mother”
  3. “Love your wife as Christ loved the church”

So the young man sets out to pass these tests.

Yet as time goes on, he finds himself losing energy. Perhaps he needs to do something for himself?

He goes back and attempts his rite of passage again. That difficult but important project that’s been buried in his heart for all these years.

But soon enough, his “selfish” pursuits interferes with his ability to pass “the test.”

His boss demands more time. His parents disapprove. He has less time to help his wife.

He faces resistance. Clearly this is not what God wanted him to do.

So he compromises.

It’s a balancing act. How can he keep all his key relationships afloat and still sneak in some time for his passion project?

In the end, he ends up being just another guy who “doesn’t have it together.”

He’s the bad employee. The bad manager. The bad husband. The bad father. The disappointing son. The weak Christian.

And, on top of that, he never became the king that his heart yearned to become.

So it is that the manipulated man never completes his journey into mature manhood.

The test was rigged from the start.



Now we’re stressed out

Yesterday, my bank account balance hit a new low:


A few weeks ago, I burned through the family’s emergency cash to repair our Subaru Forester. Blew out the radiator. Temperature gauge was broken. My own fault for not checking the coolant frequently enough.

The week after that, I sent my wife to a health clinic to get some necessary blood tests. It was one of those “sliding scale” clinics for poor people. They told her to get some ultrasounds done at the local hospital.

My wife went into the hospital with the expectation that it would cost around $50 – $100. Nope. They sent us a surprise bill for almost $800. Plus the $200 she already spent at the previous clinic.

And guess what the hospital said after all the expensive work?

“You’re fine.”

(Which is good I suppose. But still…)

Then immediately after that our bank card got hacked and drained out what little cash we had remaining in the account.

So once again, I am broke.

Furthermore, when I’m preoccupied with closing the next deal and paying the next round of bills, my libido plummets. Failure to produce in one area produces failure in another.

It’s a vicious downward cycle.

I say this not to solicit pity. I’ll be fine. I have a couple clients I’ll be invoicing next week. I’ve got several prospective clients “in the pipeline.” I’m all too familiar with how to survive this game.

Add my wife’s part-time income from music teaching and the food stamps and we can just manage to pay our bills, feed our child, and put a mild dent in my student loans (plus my credit card debts from all my naive post-graduation screw up attempts to make money.)

The question always running through the back of my mind is “Why don’t I have my shit together yet?”

Supposedly, I’m a member of one of the most privileged classes in the world: a young educated white male from a middle class background.

Yet I can’t help but feel my first decade of adulthood has been more like the refrain from the 21 Pilots song:

We used to play pretend, give each other different names
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money”

Wish we could turn back time, to the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out

If I’m honest, it was my long string of screw ups that led me to the red pill and masculine development. I had to learn how to recover my dignity as a man, and handle a woman who witnessed a long string of objective “non-successes.”

I had to get her to believe in me again. To believe in my purpose. To believe that I could not settle for being a cog in a machine or living someone else’s life script.

Or at least, if she wouldn’t believe it, I had to believe it myself and become indifferent to her response.

A woman cannot perceive or appreciate the growth that happens in a man beneath the surface. She cares not for the inner boy struggling to become a man. She is not designed to empathize with a man.

Honestly, I can understand why many men give up on life. The burden of performance is unrelenting.

And it’s not just about money. Every man I’ve known feels he doesn’t “have his shit together” in some way.

Bad father. Bad husband. Bad in bed. Bad manager. Bad student. Bad health habits. Bad Christian. Bad at getting dates. etc.

Men are quick to condemn themselves for their shortcomings. And wives, preachers, teachers, and the media are all-too-happy to quickly reinforce this condemnation.

There is no neutral ground for a man. The pressures of life will either make or break a man.

Men today don’t necessarily need more advice.

We need healing.

Heal the boy and the king will emerge.


Spot the sociopath

Have you ever felt like your life was ran by a bunch of sociopaths?

If not, you should.

Courtesy of a commentor on the Heartiste:

According to Martha Stout, the author of “The Sociopath Next Door”, the most reliable sign of a sociopath is their appeal to a normal’s person sympathy, despite their abusive, destructive, manipulative, and mendacious behavior.

“If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.”

Hmm… this sounds strangely familiar. Can you think of any institution that constantly appeal’s to men’s sympathy while continuing to abuse and manipulate them into submission?

Now the spirit is saying explicitly, that in subsequent eras some will be withdrawing from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and the teachings of demons, in the hypocrisy of false expressions, their own conscience having been cauterized… (1 Tim 4:1-2)

As best I can tell, the manipulation and abuse of men at the hands of these religious sociopaths can be summed up by these 4 lines of rhetoric

  1. “Servant leader”
  2. “Every man’s battle”
  3. “God hates divorce” *
  4. “One woman man”

Each of these lines to appeal to a man’s noble sympathies. But the real message is this:

  1. Put away your “selfish” dreams. A servant leader compromises his priorities for the real master, the wife.
  2. Your wife is your only sanctified source for releasing your semen… so don’t you dare offend her
  3. You can never walk away from this woman for any reason. You are trapped. Best to learn to cope with her drama. Lower your standard of happiness if necessary.
  4. This is the only woman you will ever have. Don’t bother improving yourself as a man in order to be attractive to women. Making her jealous is evil. Instead, shower her with confessions of your unyielding love for her. Then come to us for marriage counseling when you’re having “bedroom problems.”

Choose for yourself whom you will follow: the word of God, or the religion of man.

* The scriptures do not say that God hates divorce. Malachi 2:16 says God hates when wives are “sent away” treacherously. This was a common practice in ancient Israel where a man would decide he no longer liked his wife, marry another woman, kick his first wife out while still claiming her as his own (i.e. no other man could legally touch her.) It was treacherous because the man was deliberately abusing the woman by cutting off her food and sexual rights but not allowing her to be free to marry another man.

Apparently, the modern abusive man is much less subtle than the ancient Jew… preferring to just bash her head in the wall or slap her around instead of devising such an elaborate passive scheme of abuse.

Needless to say, this is not the same concept that we call “divorce.”  Check the terms. Divorce was God’s gracious allowance for wives who needed to be released from abusive husbands (Deut 24:1-4). But modern religion has twisted the concept to shame ordinary men into believing he has no escape plan from a rebellious woman.

God himself sent Israel away many times without treachery. He even divorced her in the end. An exit is rarely needed, but it gives a man power to know he has the option.

“How do I know if it’s a shit test?”

I’ve noticed one of the biggest challenges married red pill men deal with is figuring out when their wife is “shit testing” them.

I’ve struggled with this for awhile as well. After all, to the untrained eye, all emotional outbursts simply look like a distressed woman.

I would always wonder if I came down with a strong hand when comfort was needed, or vice versa.

Recognizing a woman’s manipulations is one the most essential skills a man can have. His refusal of her manipulations will lead to happiness. His failure to recognize them, to misery.

In order to get the bottom of the matter, we have to understand precisely what a “shit test” is.

To paraphrase chapter 1 in The Rational Male, a shit test is a power play. She is subtly testing to find out who needs the other more. Who is willing to compromise to “hold the peace.”

As an example, if your boss asked you to stay at work an extra few hours, you’d probably say “yes” even though you had other plans. You need the paycheck, more than he needs you (or so he assumes.)

Whoever needs the other person more has the power in the relationship.

A “shit test” is nothing more than a woman finding out if you’re willing to compromise yourself in order to appease her (i.e. keep having sex with her.)

Now, there will always be some compromise. It’s exhausting (and ineffective) for a man to attempt to “win” every conflict of interest. The crucial question is, “how important is this to me?”

If it’s a difference of opinion on the color of curtains, probably best to let it go. (Unless you’re an interior designer by trade.)

But if she asks you to compromise on your mission, your strategy on how you achieve your goal, or one of your core values, this is a definite shit test that you don’t want to fail.

Everything else is more of an art than a science. If you’re playing video games and she asks you to do a chore, should you do it? Probably not… at least not right away. You’re communicating that not offending her is more important than your present enjoyment. You just failed a shit test.

What if she had an upsetting experience and wants to vent when you get home from work?

This probably is NOT a shit test. She’s just needs to vent her feelings.

However, if it’s important to you to have a few minutes of “down time” before talking, you can ask her to wait a few minutes.

I think what qualifies as a “shit test” is somewhat relative. You have to define your boundaries for yourself beforehand. Then you have to ask yourself in the moment:

  1. What is she asking me to compromise?
  2. Can I do so without violating my boundaries?

The man who continually compromises his boundaries implicitly reveals that he needs sex from his wife more than she needs his approval.

Better to hold your ground. If necessary, rub one out in private. To borrow Bill Burr’s line, “it’s the champagne of victory.”

Male vs. female values

An interesting survey done back in the ’70s comparing the privately ranked values of men and women:

(Screenshots from Mind Access by Kevin Hogan.)

It’s interesting to note that the value rankings were similar with one major difference:

Women care little about a comfortable life and value salvation instead.

As 60 Years of Challenge put it, “Women are comfortable being uncomfortable.”

A woman can thrive in discomfort and even take pleasure in pain. This is confusing to men who place a high value on comfort.

Just remember:

A woman does not necessarily want a man who will make her environment comfortable. She wants a man who will save her from herself.

21st century feudalism

If you’re under the age of 40, you need to realize that the middle class may very well be dead before you finish your career.

An interesting article was published yesterday on the Atlantic called “The Coders Programming Themselves Out of a Job.”

It’s a story about a couple of programmers who automated their entire workload then got fired because their employee realized they weren’t doing any work.

Supposedly, automation is designed to liberate workers from tedious tasks and long hours. But, as the article describes, most workers face a reality more like this:

Automation continues apace; millions of jobs once carried out by humans are accomplished by software and mechanized factories, while Americans are working harder and increasingly longer hours. The gains from automation have generally been enjoyed not by those who operate the machines, but those who own them.

I faced a similar problem in my last job. I got a full-time job writing emails designed to sell a software-as-a-service product as well as a bunch of business coaching programs. Once I wrote a couple hundred or so emails covering every product, everything was automated. There was nothing left for me to do except send out an occasional social media post on the rare occasion I could get my overscheduled boss to review them.

Those emails I wrote could be worth hundreds of thousands of dollars to the company. They paid me what I agreed to be paid. Then they let me go when they no longer needed me.

Somehow, all the problems I avoided causing while being an employee went unappreciated 🙂

As comforting as it is to say, “not everyone has to be an entrepreneur” I think this reality is changing. If you can’t figure out how to own something… even just a part of it… you might find your income suddenly disappears.

There will be 3 classes of people:

  1. Those who own the machines (or the assets the machine works on)
  2. Those who work long hours on the machines
  3. Those who get replaced by the machines

Yes, there probably will be a rising market for servants. But the competition will be high and the wages relatively low. Probably not the ideal position to be in to attract women or comfortably raise a family.

Advice for young single men, pt. 2

Reader AH responds to my previous post on advice for young single men:

I was hoping you would talk more on “urgent question” #3. Jobs are easy, and anyone with 2 brain cells can get one. Getting a wife seems more difficult

First off, I need to clarify something:

A job is not the same thing as a career.

A job is what you do to pay the bills now.

A career is what you want to be doing 3 years from now.

What you’re doing now speaks volumes about what kind of man you’ve been in the past. And a woman’s hypergamous instincts pick up on this. If you haven’t arrived yet, she needs to at least detect that you’re going someplace interesting. No woman wants to be with a man who is content with mediocrity.

Examples of high sexual market value careers:

  • Doctor
  • Lawyer
  • Stockbroker
  • Entrepreneur
  • Successful artist
  • Professional athlete

Examples of mid-level sexual market value careers:

  • Engineer
  • Programmer
  • Accountant
  • Mid-level manager
  • Owning a non-innovative business (e.g. franchise, inherited business, etc.)

Examples of low sexual market value careers:

  • Low paid blue collar
  • Janitor
  • Food service
  • Struggling freelancer

This isn’t exhaustive list, but it should give you enough examples to give you the idea.

High SMV careers involve leadership, risk-taking, and persevering through obstacles. When successful, not only do men with these careers provide financial security, but they become more sexually attractive by the nature of their work.

Mid SMV careers require above average intelligence and work ethic. Men with these careers provide women with the comfort of financial security, but don’t create sexual attraction. Women will see these men as good options if they have some other attractive quality (e.g. good looks, cocky humor, popularity, a strong frame, high testosterone).

Low SMV careers don’t require much intelligence or risk-taking and can actually be quite difficult to even get a job in due to competition. A man with this kind of career has a difficult life and is probably invisible to most women unless he has exceptional women skills.

Obviously, you should pursue a career that will be enjoyable to you, not just because it has a high SMV.

The higher SMV careers are more difficult to attain and often involve a temporary lowering of status. I’m pursuing what could be classified as the “successful artist” (writer) path. But right now, I’m closer to the “struggling freelancer” status.

Once you’re career is established, the key is to go after girls that appreciate your value.

If you’re a doctor, go after health-conscious girls.

If you’re a lawyer, go after girls who want to help bring about justice (though maybe stay away from “social justice warriors.”)

If you’re an artist, go after creative girls.

If you’re an athlete, go after fitness girls.

If you’re an entrepreneur, go after entrepreneurial girls.

If you have a mid-level SMV career with no intentions of pursuing a high SMV career, then find a hobby that you can display your masculine attractiveness through:

If you’re an outdoor guy, go after outdoor girls.

If you’re into traveling, go after women that want to travel.

If you’re into classic literature, go after chicks that dig that stuff.

You get the idea. No man can be appealing to every type of women. You’ve got to fish where your kind of fish are.